Falling

I'm cold Jack
Falling i am
Back to the numbing state
From so long ago
Scared and numb
I don't drive Jack
Except around the block
And now i have a rental car
In my name
And if i show up on your doorstep ill have a knife in my chest
Two knives maybe
I'm falling Jack
Tis the year for adventure
A year for stretching myself
But I'm the one who can't parallel park
Or drive comfortably on a freeway in the right direction
Going on becomes harder and harder each day
My therapist says I need to leave him
Domestic abuse it is
I should pack up the kids
Instead I slumber in the ashes
Even i can't look back
The luxury fails to afford
Abandoned
The want of affection singes my soul
I mix up reality and fantasy again
Falling
Longing for a place to call home
Unconsciously searching for a friend whose bond revels that of family
Someday I will rise from the ashes
And go on
Finding friends who are like family
The family I never had
The trailer walls are thin
Meteorologists predict an early spring
But the groundhog is right
More winter
Blackness envelopes the sky
Where is my home?
I'm scared Jack
It won't be long Sara Jean
Hold on.

Release

My curly hair swirls over his chest and face
Perched on the edge of the hotel bed,
Gripping the headboard for support
I'd let my paramour lead me into the early evening
We would start the physical intimacy
On the bed,
Scoot over to the small desk,
Whisk over to the settee in our junior suite,
And into the bathroom tub. 
Best of all was this granite bath
With the hot water and mint - rosemary
Scented bath salts
Then his conscience sets in--
the mechanical drone of his wife's voice
Leaving no room for his newfound affection
Falling yet no spot for his feet to stand
Slippery when wet
Covering up with a towel
Our natural indiscretions
Wrapped up in heated towels
Learning early
That feeling can be painful
Friendship can fail when the primordial
Nature runs amok
I put on my pjs and lie prostrate
Under the cool sheets
You tuck me in
Kiss me on the forehead
And hold me for a while
Until I feel whole again
Silently helping me for as long as it takes
Still sobbing, you breath into my mouth
Helping me regain my inner strength
I vow to not be encouraged by your advances again
I'm sorry. 

Two Tones

Part of me is fluorescent yellow--
Bright and buoyant,
Cheerful and optimistic,
Resonating with positivity and smiling as I walk through the halls.
But deep inside there is another me,
Faded gray, like a chained elephant forced to partake in circus escapades--
shy and provincial,
fearful and self-conscious,
Staying up late at night to avoid his advances
Both sides are very real
I wish one could be a fantasy.

Spring Lies

A tiny sliver opened tonight within my frozen world
A spring shoot poking through the snow
No blossoms but a smooth, silken stem
Pushing it's greenness into the March thaw
Fifty degrees today here in Wisconsin
Fer crissake it's been so long
Today though it lies bent underneath the snow, wondering still
If it was courageous or foolish
To take a chance on life. 

In My Pocket

Faded
Moisture - damaged
Black and white
Photos
Of my fallen comrades
Same platoon
Same squad
I hope to visit
The Wall
In the shadow
Of the Lincoln Memorial
Washington,  D.C.
Once it's been built
Learning about the soldiers
Who served and sacrificed
Weaving together
Visuals and narratives
Of the fallen
400,000 remembrances
Our Vietnam vets
Memorializing
Recounting
Reflecting
Honoring
Nearly fifty years ago
Never forgetting
I worry we'll forget
Their names
Their faces with such names
Please help me remember
It's been too long
I don't want to forget
I'm starting to already.

Loss of Innocence

I remember the shadow

Being out of it

Seeing world's you have never known about

Camping in Portland

With a man I had just met

Wanting to be loved

Feeling connected

But not in love

Loving

But not liking

Abusive

I don't remember much

Disassociation I think they call it

I remember him yelling at the warden

And me with my soul

Detached from my physical being

I remember walking

Away from the tent

Away from his truck

In the rain

He could have killed me

But he didn't

Too much gamma exposure

Or was it esoteric poetry

I feel like he drugged me

And penetrated me

But I don't remember

He caught me in the rain

Brought me back to the tent

Eventually I got away

Came back to Wisconsin

Never saw him again

My dad was right

This man was trouble

And I was his victim

But I lived to tell about it

Yet I remain silent

After all these years

In the fog

Risks, Benefits, and Friends

Low back pain

interrupting his
Sex life
Avoiding bedroom
encounters
Fearing more pain
No communication
His loss of interest
Strained
relationship
No
explanation
Just calling her a
bitch
If even that
Verbally
abusive
Especially when she
nags the termagant one
Failure
to provide
relief
The last resort
So much pain
The generator
and receiver
Placed under his skin
Leads right
above
the spinal cord
Transmitters accessible
Able to access
and control
Intensity
Optimal treatment
Fitting his needs
Relief from pain
More benefits
Fewer risks
Stimulating
Almost erotic
The sensation
Too sensitive
Blowing in his face
Never trying that before
Yet inadvertently
innocently
crossing the line
This feeling this device
Customized to fit
his needs
and mine
And now
Removed
Without warning

Imagining it gone

Missing
From his lower back
No more tingling
And taking up the heat
When he showers
Or rolling over in bed
It’s no longer there
No magnet
Or recharging
Normalcy
Today’s the day
The unexpected fucking day
Ender didn't know either
Or his wife
Or my husband
It won’t hurt a bit
No infection
But different
A feeling like
something is missing
Like a lost tooth
And a tongue gravitating to the
Missing spot
In your gums
Can’t find the tooth
That’s been lost
The feeling eventually passes
When a new tooth grows in
Tomorrow will be 28 days
And that feeling has yet to
Pass
With you
I keep looking for something
Your voice
Your writing
Your encouragement
Your laugh
Our friendship
But you’re not there
Anymore
And although I feign independence
I’m lost
Something is missing
That something is you
Unsuccessful trial
Battery dead
Weakness
Paralysis
Pain
Sexual dysfunction
Loss of bladder control
You’re really gone
You were the friend--
My family that I chose for
myself
I miss you.