Games Men Play

Can't sleep
My refrigerator hums loudly
There is silence
For a while
Until the bedroom door opens
And closes quietly
A few moments later he comes in
To where I am
By the computer
Let the damn dog out he slurs
His speech left of center
It's 2:21 and Millie is still up
Waiting for me to join her
On the bed
Where she'll curl up
Behind my knees
Safe and warm
While he
The stranger beside me
Snores
Later when I'm still awake
Staring at the ceiling fan
I'll hear him get up
Piss in the toilet
And come back to bed
If I'm lucky he'll leave me alone
For another night
For another few hours
I'll be safe
Strictly speaking
I'll never tell the truth
Both he and Anthony
Move around like chessmen
Keeping me in between them
One of them is always blocking me
From the stairs
Checkmate.

Blowing out the Candles

Looking back, I can see where some would say, "Dude, that's weird," but for us we knew we were meant to be together, till death do us part, in sickness and in health.  We didn't overthink it.  I met my husband when I was just eighteen.  He was 43.  It was 1974.  I was wild.  On our first date I asked Ron how he felt about swinging.  He was by no means receptive.   Just a month later he was banging Heidi in the back of our Ford...Heidi ' s girlfriend wasn't all that desirable to me, but I knew for Ron seeing me with Shannon really made his pants tight.  Ron and I had this no touch understanding between us.  When he was with Heidi I could watch but I couldn't join in.  And when I was with Shannon, he wasn't allowed to touch either of us.  While I won't be graphic in my descriptions I'll just say while Shannon and I were licking each other's pussies, Ron would lay on the bed with us and stroke his own cock.   That really turned me on and then Shannon would put the dildo between my legs and pound it until my crotch was ready to rip open.  If she got tired, I would rub my clit raw in ecstasy and moan as Ron stroked his own penis and came.  He would shout out my name or Shannon ' s and his cock would go limp soon after. Nervously with a hint of embarrassment,  Ron would zip his semen-soaked pants, get up without saying anything, and head down to the basement bathroom.  Seconds later,  I'd hear the hum of the washing machine as Ron washed his stained underwear in the big machine.  Our swinging ritual became pretty routine. I liked dressing up in sexy lingerie I wouldn't normally wear in public.  Ron had a little OCD so he'd fuck Heidi on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.  On Mondays,  Wednesdays, and Fridays I got to romp with Shannon.  On Fridays, Ron would put a football game on in the living room and synch the game with my fucking with Shannon.  I'm not a big sports fan but I just did what he told me.  He made Shannon and I each pick a team.  Each time my team scored, I had to go down on Shannon.  Each time her team scored she had to go down on me.  If the game was tied, well that's a whole other story.  Ron and I went on with this arrangement for quite a few years.  Feeling pretty secure in my relationship and having that adventurous spirit spiced up our marriage.  I felt desired and confident,  that is until one Tuesday when he was fucking Heidi.  As I was watching, I noticed a look in his eyes.  It was a look I hadn't noticed before.  He was falling for her.  I didn't say anything during that very moment,  but the next time Ron and I were intimate I couldn't continue.  Call me the queen of bad timing, but I looked at him and told him I couldn't do it anymore.  He was angry and wondered why I had suggested it in the first place.  Mind you we had been swinging for three four years.  Though he was disappointed,  he agreed to end our swinging predilections.   Weeks went by and our marriage was obviously strained.  Without fucking Heidi on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays and without me romping on Mondays, Wednesdays,  and Fridays, Ron and I had a lot of time on our hands, time with each other.  He was in a constant slump, making no more than small talk with me.  He was distant;  I was angry and felt betrayed with the indelible impression of of my life partner connecting to another woman.  I was jealous and becoming more insecure as the days passed.   So as the old cliche goes, I took matters into my own hands.  I invited Heidi out to lunch and shared with her my intentions for resuming our swinging.   Ron was out of town visiting his sister in Iowa, so when Tuesday rolled around Heidi came over as usual. I took her coat, offered the bitch some brandy, and stabbed her right then and there.  She didn't see it coming. When Wednesday came, Shannon popped over.  I told her we wanted to spice things up so I blindfolded her before she enteted my apartment.  Not wanting to waste a good fuck, I led Shannon past Heidi's bludgeoned corpse into the bedroom.  Since we have a no touch policy she wasn't even aware that Ron wasn't there.  We fucked each for a long time.  I loved feeling her tender flesh against mine.  Her tongue did amazing things, licking every inch of my body and sending me into perpetual orgasms.  She would blow into my mouth and on my face until I couldn't take it any more.  Laying in a tousled  heap on the bed, our bodies sticky with cum, I got the already- bloody knife out of the nightstand drawer and killed her.  Sanguinary visions danced on the ceiling.   I guess looking back swinging wasn't for me.  I got too jealous and it ruined my relationship with Ron.  When Ron came home he must have been in shock seeing three hacked- up women.  The police didn't come for a while.  Ron was how shall we say...preoccupied.  He didn't go to work that week.  You see when Ron and I got married he had a fetish I abhorred,  never could quite get my mind around it so he suppressed it while we were together. We would have celebrated Ron's birthday next week.  Happy birthday baby.  A little necro... at last.  This is what you've been waiting for.  I love you.  Perhaps insecurity has it perks.  Although I'm gone, I'm looking at us with fresh eyes.  I always loved you babe.  Happy birthday. 

Peripheral Neropathy

Indelible mark I say-
But not quite in that poignant way.
The way I imagined very dear-
Fantasizing that you were near.
Holding you close as friends do-
Stroking my hair and getting me through.
It's the married part that helps define-
That which is yours and that which is mine.
Strangers online connecting hearts-
Both parties giving each other
respite from the dark.
Like a savior you came when I needed you the most-
And now circumstantially crucified
With sins and nothing to boast.

My hands they tingle now as do my feet-

Burning damage and pain not obsolete.

I guess I learned my lesson
Lots of them in fact-
It's unfortunate though
Because there's no going back.
I too miss the friendship; I miss it the most-
The other "sexy" stuff dissipates
Like Nina Dousman's burning hair
The Villa Louis ghost.
I saw her once from the front parlor window
Her hair on fire
Bright flaming and red-
But as one knows appearances can
Deceiving
And for all intents and purposes
The neuropathy signals I must be dead.

Wake Up Goblin

Snow is melting here,
Turning to grey slush.
But the theatre scene is vibrant
Kitschy musical ambience
Flooding the auditorium with
Notes from "You Make me feel like a natural woman."
From the terrace window
Looking in
There is a lone woman
And a lone man
Sitting at the kitchen table
With a plate of cold chicken
Between them
Together but apart
With a roller coaster
Of experiences and interactions
And miscommunication--
Impatience and prejudices
Around them too
They did share a child
One child
Who possessed the inclination to
Grow up as a fool
Her mother's distorted wish
I waited outside
Among the shadows until I was sure
She was safe
If he found out,
Tom would be mad
I needed to protect her
If need be
I was willing to wait all night.

Sara Smiles

Relishing sunlight
On my skin
If only for a moment
Today is a good day
And you
Oh sweet friend
Helped if only a little
Is it wrong for me to have hope?
Hope for a friendship
Stronger than before
Afraid to open my heart
And unbutton my blouse
One button at a time
Breaking free from a winter
Of below - average temperatures
Forecasters call for a considerable
Amount of wind
Enough to tousel my hair
I do live in Wisconsin you know
Mercury remains frozen
At least for now
Dipping
Below his belt
With warming trends unlikely
I won't go there again
Blowing on your denim pants
As you drive through the desert
Idling down to 40
And adjusting my carburetor
This year the cold air
Ended up here in Wisconsin
Iowa too
When normally it would end up in Siberia
Will we ever break free from the
Wintry mix
Swirling around us
Us in the fog
That's a funny word
Us
Fog is funny too
I giggle
Taking life with a grain of salt
Being patient
Guarded
My blouse stays buttoned now
Would it have then?
Mother Nature can be cruel
Air from the Arctic flows in
Reaching this far south
The sun penetrates my skin
It feels right
This crush as you call it
Relatively warmer today
Enjoying the sun
And the fog
And thoughts of us
Rekindled
Chance of an early spring.  

  

Independence

I grope around the floor
Looking for something
The key that I dropped
Perhaps or the pillow from the settee
Can't find
Frustrated
In a rage
Throwing things around the room
Fortunately the unbreakables
This time
Anthony hovers over me

Eccentric looking, white pants, brown leather belt

Tousled hair and glasses

He brandishes a small leather notebook

Upon which he writes

Takes notes

As I unable to see

Continue to grope in the darkness

I hear the rustling of a newspaper

Headlines detail a murder

In Greenwich Village

Anthony shuffles

Towards the Venetian blinds

Looking out across the street

There's a police car in the distance

Watching the house

I am scared

I wish I could have told him about my husband

That he was abusing me

But I didn't want to play the victim

And get any sympathy from you

He hurt me

And now that you've cut me out of your life

It's too late for that

I got to know you very well

In a short amount of time

And you have hurt me more than he

Waiting just outside

Waiting all day

I am frightened

And you don't fucking give a damn

I sprinkle the gasoline at the top of the stairs,

And around the bedroom

Things are dark now

And I wait to take the matches out of my cardigan pocket. 

 

Pushing and Pulling

He's up close
Supporting me
Every step of the way
Even when I haven't eaten
For thirty six hours
And my bubbly personality and
Optimistic outlook has diminished
Difficult imagining Eliza
Experiencing any pain
But now the pain rules her life
With the prospect of being normal,
Just out of reach. 
Forced to persevere this weekend
On stage
When all she feels like doing is sobbing
Chronic pain in her heart
Because intent was misconstrued
He stood there silent
Facing his wife saying nothing
With his tail between his legs
While she blames herself
Wanting to give up
And not work through the pain
The road to recovery isn't possible
Not now
Perhaps when their marriage has healed
And she forgives me for the intent that wasn't there
And she can feel safe
And whole
And know we would not have crossed the line
Maybe then after time
We can repair our friendship
Until forgiveness comes
I have no choice
As she does all the talking
Silenced again
Neutered
Until then I hope I don't shut the garage door
With the car running
Until then you will have to breathe for me
Pushing me when I need to be pushed
And pulling me when I need to be pulled along
Holding you and squeezing your hand
Until then I weep
At my desk, in my bed, behind closed doors
Pretending not to be in pain
Lesley held me yesterday
And I sobbed in her arms
Unable to explain why
She rubbed my leg and said I would be okay
Until then I'll punish myself
For intent that wasn't intent
Misconstrued, misunderstood.
It is my fault
And there are no second chances when perceptions
Threaten a marriage
I only wish he was a man
With integrity
And a voice who could have a solid relationship with his spouse
And have me as a friend
But I came along a year ago
Not being a part of his past
Only his present
And now because I have crossed the line
There is no future
No friendship
The Arizona landscape calls to me
I'll enjoy the sunsets on my own
And the saguaro cacti
Hoping to dry up in the desert
Desert Fury
Desert Pain
Desert Love
Desert Misunderstanding