A

Forgotten I see
But that's okay
I've made ammends
Forgiving my soul
Moving on
Reminders of the present
The swaggering albatross
Loosened from my neck
Perched upon hidden crustaceans
And irridescent jellyfish
Usually the shoreline is in full view
Though deserted
Windmills like tiny dots
Beaches without people
Singing in the distance
Within their cloistered cottages
I am no longer welcome
Once hoping for acceptance
As I knocked on the mead hall door
Or watched the happy family
From my hovel
Poor but happy
Times they are a changing
So every so often
I weep
Mad at myself
For giving in
To the sweet temptations
Of the flesh
And of the soul
Existence is truly pain
I know that now
Cannot sleep
Until I give even more
The Deists had it right
I'm getting used to the solitude
Silencing gregarious voices
Instead I frequent
The man in black
Like Hester Prynn
There are no happy endings
I live where I've committed my sin
Hawthorne whispers
Be true be true be true
It's never to late

My Fetish

Blindfolded and tied to the door
Hands up high above my head
Legs spread ever so slightly
Not knowing what will happen next
He demands and I willingly obey
Lacy lingerie and stilettos in tact
Or an old flannel
Even a v necked tank
Or a wife beater shirt
Sounds of buttons popping all over the place
Exploding in rhythmic unison
To what we will share
Ripping or cutting my panties off
Whichever he prefers
Exposing my tits
The rest happens in our bedroom
So I'll close the door here
Later after we have pleasured each other
We may order Chinese
Or shop for more
I love when you pick out clothes for me
Or insert the plug
Firmly in private
As we're out in public
Only we know
I am yours
And you are mine
I am happy
You are so gentle
And attentive
I love you. 

Monism

If reality is one
Why are we swamped
And unfocused
Bombarded with
If onlies
I shouldn't haves
And I wonder ifs

If reality is one
Why are we out of touch
With who we are
Where we want to be
And what we've always been

If reality is one
Why are we plagued with
Suppositions and expectations
Clouded by illusions
And bound by the chains of fear

If reality is one
Why am I still living
Devoid of any joy and spontaneity
Empty only existing
Anxious, scared, and alone

If reality were one
The present would unfold
Moment by moment
Like a pink lotus flower
Set upon blooming
I would be relaxed and at peace
Surrounded by a few who love me
Instead of clutching to the tainted
Emotions and tangled vines
I try to erase
Familiar and aware am I
Descending into the dales
Deep within myself
Unable to lay the negativity to rest
Nirvana taunting me
Tickling me
The tears wash away the laughter
I'm sorry.

Him

The woman had turned away from him, her hips too.  There would be many nights like this for this was the new reality. Half asleep and half awake, she played through the past seven months wondering how things had come to this.  She had left her marriage,  her children,  her once held vocation turned job and was now with him. The crimson velvet of the comforter surrounded her and for now she was safe.  Jeffrey was still sleeping and so she had a few minutes to ponder the horrible nightmare she found herself in.  Instead she sank into the depths of sleep; she was exhausted. 

Discovering Zen

Be my teacher
You there
The one who wouldn't let me disappear
Under your watchful gaze
My invisibility cloak
Penetrated by none other than you
I hated you
Your teaching
And this class
But you wouldn't let me fall
You the persistent one
Probing into my business
Day after day after day
Encouraging me
Transmitting said wisdom
I give up
You win
Teach me
Let me see the world through your eyes
Until I can see it on my own
I want to live
Help me choose life
Until I want it in my own
I'm distracted
Yesterday I kissed my girlfriend
In the rain
As I got in the car my grandmother chastised
"What the fuck was that?"
I guess girls can't kiss other girls
Oh teacher
Reveal some great vision to me
Jazz hands enlightenment
What is the true nature of things?
I see life in the distance
Red tulips sprout
From the blackness
Let me be your pupil
The oral tradition beckons me
To come
You hold the beguiling power
Theory is dead
I will practice
And submit to your teachings
I will obey
I am yours

Uno

I wonder if it will really happen
That I'll wake up next to you
I'll be smiling of course
Because you bring out my beauty
My laughter
My smile
I'll feel thankful you know
That I brought joy to your life
As you did mine
I'll be present
And pure
Absolutely radiant
Beaming with affection
For as long as we both shall live
And when we die
Me before you
Or you before me
Or both together
The dirt will giggle
As our bones become crushed
And our flesh shrivels
The dirt continues its chuckles
And is born again
We are one
Flesh and spirit
We are one
Body and soul
We are one
Whispers and kisses
We are one
The winds and the oceans
Undulating in one breath
We are one
We have loved

Lies

She turns her head
     To glance your way
     Then back again
     Where it all began

The disquietude
     And all it brings
     To love herself
     Before loving you

Foghorn From Alcatraz

He makes a vaguely polite gesture
Buying me a $7.00 Little Orphan Annie doll from Goodwill tonight
My daughter brings it to me
There is no conversation
No excitement in his eyes
No pausing
To glance my way
I am alone like I always am
Spinning my wheels
Waiting for the right time
No nods or assurances
He looks up the price of the doll
It's worth eighty dollars
What an investment
Misguided at that
My daughter saw a skull there
She thought you might like
I'm numb tonight
Tears fall down my cheeks
Hoping my children don't notice
Marriage is a dangerous institution
Violent neglect
I sit barefooted in my Aztec leggings
Scowling now
You're so distant now
Reading the morning paper
Drinking your morning coffee
Tall wide shouldered
Ruddy complexion
Grey hair
I've forgotten the color of your eyes
Hot air in through the open patio doors
Black leather coach
Bowls of paperclips
Rubber bands
Ashes on the stained cement floor
I picture you rolling cigarettes
With deliberate care
In your boxers
Your new companion at your side
Can't help feeling alone
It's only half past eight

Between Strangers

Advancing slowly
With tentative steps
Looking through the hotel lobby foyer
Onto the busy street just beyond the lot
Her hazel eyes didn't see much
The architecture lonely in the distance
Gazing into a mirror near the front desk
Instead
Her body erect, lengthy
Long legs, high breasted
Slender hands and graceful feet
She wore two shades of taupe
To accent her eyes
Auburn curls peeked out from under her hat and her more - than - red lipstick
Enhanced her full lips.
The plink plink plinking of the hotel clerk on the computer and the ring ring ringing of the phone interrupted her thoughts
For a moment
That she didn't recognize the six foot man
When he walked in
Tan sunglasses covering his eyes
Smooth hairless scalp
He walked with a noticeable limp
One leg longer than the other
As he gazed in her direction
She only nodded a provincial hello
Because when she extended her hand
For a more formal hello
Dotted flakes of cigarette ash
Jumped out to greet her
Tightening her lips together
She coughed a little.
Her pleading eyes frantic
She kneaded the handbag slung over her
Shoulder
And without thinking
With her voice visibly shaking
She looked up to him
With his ingratiating smile
And she knew even though they were just meeting
For the first time
She knew they were going to get along
Just fine

Ecstasy of Misguided Love

Caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts
Dangerous liaisons
A little black dress
Donned for you
The you back then
When I just wanted to be loved
I would have said no
Or would I?
Yes, I would have said no.
I would have collapsed
Into your arms
Instead
And wept
Reaching out
Longing for affection
A smile
An embrace
Conversation
A laugh
An iced tea
A hike
A family
Acceptance
That was so long ago
You wiped my tears
I remember
I now forget
Abandoned
I loved you

The Line

When the time gets late
And defenses are down
And one wants to be loved
There is no room for talking

Giving it all
The very first time
I'm ready to give it all
And where is that line

Doesn't matter what you say
I see you're trying to protect me
But the outside doesn't exist
Beyond these walls

Cross the line
The present is now
There will be no regrets
No worrying about the future
That hasn't happened yet

My past is safe
Murky without love
Desires don't exist
We are here
The here is now

John Smith

When the fighting stops
And I can breathe
Gratitude fills the interstices
Of my soul
Past the noisy intersections
Where he chooses death
You are brave
Choosing change
Yet when will change come?
It isn't here yet
If you look into my eyes
You will see grief
It's time we moved on
Thank you for loving me
Looking after me
While I wait
Calculating
Pondering
Planning
Hoping
Not wanting to share
My children
If one is sick
And I'm far away
Being tied up
And happy
How can I choose happiness
When I'm still needed
To talk about boys
Or tuck him in at night
Or put a washcloth on his forehead
Aching
How can I not think about the future?
That which hasn't happened yet.
I have seen the future
And I know what needs to be done.