Can't take much more
Mentally
Physically
Spent
Weak
There are no heroes
To comfort me
While I am down
Inside I know
I have the strength
To thrive
Endure
Prosper
But what does it matter
If this world is one person less--
One less person to feed
Pollute
Lie
Deceive
Cheat
Hurt
Sin
Please tell me it's going to be ok?
That the hurting will stop
And I can come back into the fold
For this I pray.
A memory from long ago
Though not much time has really passed
Brings the salt tears to my eyes
Or a smile to my lips
I breathe in the fragrance of your love
With the sound of your voice
I step back in time
If only for a moment
I remember
A distant time and place
When things were better
Hard to remember
And yet I can't forget.
I love you
And I always will
You're not mine though
And I'm not yours
But in the deep recesses of my heart
You're mine
And I am yours
I can fantasize in my private place
And think of all the things I'd like to do
I am happy knowing
I had what I most value
At least for a little while
Your friendship and your love
Without that
I am dead
Saw myself floating in the Rock River
The other day
Tired of feeling
Loss
Sadness
Guilt
Anger
There's a piece of you in me
And a piece of me in you
I can't ask for that back
Though I'd like to every day
I still cry
Especially times like now
When I'm sick
And the man I married
Doesn't nurture
I will always love you
Hoping you're well
I've given up hope that someday
We can be friends
And for now have to know
This is for the best
That both of you can heal
Without me
I'm angry you didn't keep us safe
And now I have nothing
But the thoughts of your
Friendship
Before I crossed the line
Wish you would pick up the phone
Tell me it's going to be okay
Aching.
When I close my eyes
I can feel your breath on my face
Taking time to remember
Each and every day
You are with me
From the cafe
Or your bedroom
Encouraging my desire
We have fun
We laugh
We are young again
I love you
And I don't need you to say it back
It's enough pleasure to feel
Yesterday though when I closed my eyes
You weren't there
I saw the old railroad bridge
From when I was a little girl
You were speaking
But I couldn't make out the words
Muffled sounding
Scratchy
Instead of smiling and laughing
I couldn't breathe
My body was dangling from that bridge
With a tight rope around my neck
But instead of struggling
Gasping for air
I swung like a trapeze artist
Accepting the lack of breath
As the circus patrons
Crowded under the big top
Choke me please I begged
I always had this rape fantasy
And you are the stranger
I wanted to role play
And here I was giddy and lightheaded
In a reverie where you were dominant
And I was getting off
Yes oh yes
Rubbing your penis around my vagina
I tell you no
You suck on my breasts
And keep asking me
I say no
You penetrate me
With just the tip of your penis
You ask again
With my faint breath I tell you no
You penetrate me all the way
Slowly
Grabbing my neck as I orgasm
Hmmmmm
Maybe it's good you haven't called
I'm glad you weren't there
When I closed my eyes
You were getting too familiar
Now we keep getting better and better
Come on
I trust you
You bastard
I better be careful
I'm liking this sensation too much
No intention of slowing down
Though I've had a minor setback
One week and I'll know
If California calls my name
Looking forward to authentic friendships
And a willingness to forgive
Fostering community
Supporting new endeavors
Creating that tight knit society
One that increases awareness
Encourages leadership
And taking risks
Knowing that if I fall
I won't be ostracized
I can begin again
Embodying values
That cross cultures
Being community driven
Rather than personally driven
I am a go getter
Relaxed
Passionate
Creative
Compassionate
Investing in others
When I'm not sad or selfish or grieving still
I am focused and invested
Making a difference
In the lives of others
I am me.
Age 16
From Mexico
Youngest of two children
Brave
Leaving all she knows
For the year
We picked her up
From the airport
Sweet smile
She is part of our family
Lots of conversations:
Peer pressure
Household chores
Cell phone etiquette
Academic expectations
We started watching Dr. Who together
Shopped for her Prom dress
Stayed up past our bedtime
Waiting for her to come home
We may need to rethink that curfew
I started following high school
Girls' softball
Supporting
Validating
Understanding
I admit I'm green
My oldest is twelve
So I don't have much experience
With this teen
Living under my roof
We promised to provide
A safe and loving environment
I wish you had been around
To help answer some questions
You said you were sorry
And couldn't provide more
I just thought
You raised a teenager of your own
And look at her
She turned out well
But we're on our own: Tom, Grace, Miles, and Isaac
We're figuring it out
Her name is Regina.
Where is my courage
To live my dreams
Under a rock perhaps
Or so it seems
I woke up today
With a smile on my face
Like all the previous stressors
Had been erased
I'm not naive to think
They're suddenly gone
But I'm finding pleasure
In not having that frown
I'm connecting with self
Getting reacquainted with who I am
Stumbling recently
But it's not too late to begin again
My dreams are just
A courageous step away
And when I'm done crying
Perhaps I'll remember what it's like to play
Time to live my dreams
And love my life
I had forgotten my role
I am a wife.
Indulging in good eats
Tis the season
Bringing interest to your dish
Tis the season
Spice of Life
Tis the season
Rosemary
My mother always put it on pork
Tis the season
Cayenne
A spicy surprise I tended to avoid
Tis the season
Garlic
My cardiovascular superhero
Donning his red cape
Tis the season
Cinnamon
Mixed with sugar
My favorite
Monkey bread my children will remember
Tis the season
Thyme
I wish I had more of it
Infusing my cooking
And my life
Wishing I could turn back the clock
When you were a healthy addition
With surprising health benefits
Savory and sweet
That's what I remember
Tis the season.
I am a writer
Not good or great
Getting better
Long
Labyrinthine
Journey
Testament to the power
Of perseverance
Immobilized
Until he saw in me
Believed in me
Made me believe in self
Taking that first step
Inspired by lots of things
When not working
Or sleeping
I write
Sometimes only liking a word
Or a phrase
A sentence if I'm lucky
Already comfortable with rejection
Lots of it
Maybe someday when I'm dead
The impressive accolades
Will come in
Accumulating on the kitchen counter
With the Publishers Clearinghouse mailings
And last night's spaghetti and meatball dinner
Crusty on the plate
Hardened
Wonder if my agent is comfortable
Working with a dead person
Our journey begins and ends
In so many ways
Always having that soft spot for him
The one who believed in me
And was willing to
Take a chance
Against the existing odds
Languishing as I sleep
Yet I still read an occasional review
And smile
Knowing I refused to have
My dreams squashed
And a publisher cradles me
In her arms
Like the first time.
Celebrating you
Your smile
Your spirit
Your life
Appreciating chapters
Yet to unfold
In a special place
Something else is stirring
Nourishing my soul
Gently guiding
Needing a sense of calm
And heightened self esteem
Fondly remembering
Another time
And place
Recapturing the memories
The good and the bad
Passionately embracing
That which was
That which could have been
That which is
Memorializing our fantasies
In an artistic expression
Vibrantly melancholy it is
Tucked away
Always present
Never forgetting
In my heart.
In bed
Sick
Just wanting
to hear
The grimace
in your voice
And tell me
it's going to be
Okay
But I lost it all
Stupid girl
Why couldn't I have
Wasted that stupidity
When I was 17
Instead I wait until I'm
Grown
A grown woman
And then I fuck up
To hell with
Life
Is it really worth living?
I slide my money
Across the glass
Counter
Two for one Tootsie Rolls
Those were the good old days
At Hammons Variety Store
Now life isn't so good
Anymore
But do I want to go back?
If I do, I'm going to have to face
My mean sister
The one who chased me around
The house with a knife in her
Hands
Though difficult,
I'd go back
Rectify my decisions
Make different choices
May mean I may never
Get to talk with you
But at least then
She wouldn't hurt
I struggle with my choices
Everyday
Everyday
The time is getting closer
To say goodbye
To accept my knife - wielding
Sister
Of yesteryear
Move on
This is out of my control
Feeling powerless
The despondency
Never leaving me
Just masked by life
That got in the way
For a little while
And made me forget
Now I cry some more
Aching
Incomplete soul of mine
It's a bitch to feel
Sometimes I stay up all night,
Thinking of how your hands sometimes bother you,
Or how lonely you must be no longer living in California.
I'd think about how long I'd probably wait,
Just to have the chance to hold you,
Cry in your arms
And tell you that I really loved you
They say when you fall for someone
They'll be the one you'll keep coming back to for the rest of your life
So I hope years from now
When you are sitting in a cafe
And you are writing and reading the morning paper
You'll look up
And I'll be standing at your table,
With your cup of hot chocolate and your unedited manuscripts
And you'll smile at me,
Because the day your wife forgave me
Was the day I never left
And sometimes I stay up at night,
Wondering if that day will ever come
Or if I deserve your love and adoration
And friendship
I only hope I get the chance
To be forgiven
Because when I look at you,
There's something about the way
You're looking at me.
He said:
She was nine when it began
Ella is her name
The apple of my eye--
My granddaughter
Started pulling out her eyelashes.
She saw a counselor for a while
I was scared
What grandfather doesn't want to protect his baby?
My daughter's child
My lineage
My wife and I were both relieved when she stopped
That is until she started again a year later
Then her 6 year old brother began pulling hair out of his head
My daughter has an education degree
As does her husband
Their marriage seems okay
Ella and Henry do well in school
They seem happy
Life is funny though
Appearances can be deceiving
Like with us
What's that you say?
She said:
On the outside it looked like
I was ready to fuck you once
I got you alone
And while I may have harbored
Thoughts
And fantasies
I never would have compromised
My marriage
Your marriage
Or our friendship
I love you
Add four years to your age and you're old Enough to be my father
Granted I was swept away
By our descriptive writing
Swooning from your every word
Challenged by your writing
And your intellect
And your laughter
Stressed out by my own failing marriage
Filled with anxiety
And fatigue
What's that you say?
He said:
Ella and Henry eventually stopped.
Looking back I wonder if there was some
Genetic predisposition
Or if it was hormonal
Or emotional
Or environmental
Or a combination that triggered
The pulling out of their hair.
What's that you say?
She said:
Is stress causing any of this?
I thought about defriending you on
Facebook
Maybe that's the right thing to do
To what extreme should I go?
Do I have a moral obligation
To ban our sparse interaction
When his good wife has yet to heal
And hasn't forgiven either of us
But mostly me?
Suffering each and every day
Missing my friend
Yes the elephant remains
In the room.
He said:
Kids grow up
Trichotillomania it's called
Someday we can be friends
Ella ' s eyelashes never grew back
And Henry's bald spot is about an
Inch in diameter
You?
How are you doing with the mole
On your face?
Are you still obsessing about
The hair that grows in it
An adult compulsion nevertheless?
Life is funny
As we all face our own compulsions
And grow up
The more things change
The more things stay the same
Time for some counseling my dear?
I tried that.
If it's fake show me
Dad
I'm telling
He's not letting me get out of my room
He's a big fat liar
He has my coin
Go sit down on the couch
I'm tired of you whining
Can you please get it back from him?
It's my coin
What?
I don't have his coin
Leave him alone
Tell me
I want to get up
Hey
Ow
Sorry
What did he do?
He hit me
It was an accident
Having a nervous breakdown here
But at least he's putting up the new drapes in the living room
We're making progress
I'm cold Jack
Falling i am
Back to the numbing state
From so long ago
Scared and numb
I don't drive Jack
Except around the block
And now i have a rental car
In my name
And if i show up on your doorstep ill have a knife in my chest
Two knives maybe
I'm falling Jack
Tis the year for adventure
A year for stretching myself
But I'm the one who can't parallel park
Or drive comfortably on a freeway in the right direction
Going on becomes harder and harder each day
My therapist says I need to leave him
Domestic abuse it is
I should pack up the kids
Instead I slumber in the ashes
Even i can't look back
The luxury fails to afford
Abandoned
The want of affection singes my soul
I mix up reality and fantasy again
Falling
Longing for a place to call home
Unconsciously searching for a friend whose bond revels that of family
Someday I will rise from the ashes
And go on
Finding friends who are like family
The family I never had
The trailer walls are thin
Meteorologists predict an early spring
But the groundhog is right
More winter
Blackness envelopes the sky
Where is my home?
I'm scared Jack
It won't be long Sara Jean
Hold on.
My curly hair swirls over his chest and face
Perched on the edge of the hotel bed,
Gripping the headboard for support
I'd let my paramour lead me into the early evening
We would start the physical intimacy
On the bed,
Scoot over to the small desk,
Whisk over to the settee in our junior suite,
And into the bathroom tub.
Best of all was this granite bath
With the hot water and mint - rosemary
Scented bath salts
Then his conscience sets in--
the mechanical drone of his wife's voice
Leaving no room for his newfound affection
Falling yet no spot for his feet to stand
Slippery when wet
Covering up with a towel
Our natural indiscretions
Wrapped up in heated towels
Learning early
That feeling can be painful
Friendship can fail when the primordial
Nature runs amok
I put on my pjs and lie prostrate
Under the cool sheets
You tuck me in
Kiss me on the forehead
And hold me for a while
Until I feel whole again
Silently helping me for as long as it takes
Still sobbing, you breath into my mouth
Helping me regain my inner strength
I vow to not be encouraged by your advances again
I'm sorry.
Part of me is fluorescent yellow--
Bright and buoyant,
Cheerful and optimistic,
Resonating with positivity and smiling as I walk through the halls.
But deep inside there is another me,
Faded gray, like a chained elephant forced to partake in circus escapades--
shy and provincial,
fearful and self-conscious,
Staying up late at night to avoid his advances
Both sides are very real
I wish one could be a fantasy.
A tiny sliver opened tonight within my frozen world
A spring shoot poking through the snow
No blossoms but a smooth, silken stem
Pushing it's greenness into the March thaw
Fifty degrees today here in Wisconsin
Fer crissake it's been so long
Today though it lies bent underneath the snow, wondering still
If it was courageous or foolish
To take a chance on life.
Faded
Moisture - damaged
Black and white
Photos
Of my fallen comrades
Same platoon
Same squad
I hope to visit
The Wall
In the shadow
Of the Lincoln Memorial
Washington, D.C.
Once it's been built
Learning about the soldiers
Who served and sacrificed
Weaving together
Visuals and narratives
Of the fallen
400,000 remembrances
Our Vietnam vets
Memorializing
Recounting
Reflecting
Honoring
Nearly fifty years ago
Never forgetting
I worry we'll forget
Their names
Their faces with such names
Please help me remember
It's been too long
I don't want to forget
I'm starting to already.
I remember the shadow
Being out of it
Seeing world's you have never known about
Camping in Portland
With a man I had just met
Wanting to be loved
Feeling connected
But not in love
Loving
But not liking
Abusive
I don't remember much
Disassociation I think they call it
I remember him yelling at the warden
And me with my soul
Detached from my physical being
I remember walking
Away from the tent
Away from his truck
In the rain
He could have killed me
But he didn't
Too much gamma exposure
Or was it esoteric poetry
I feel like he drugged me
And penetrated me
But I don't remember
He caught me in the rain
Brought me back to the tent
Eventually I got away
Came back to Wisconsin
Never saw him again
My dad was right
This man was trouble
And I was his victim
But I lived to tell about it
Yet I remain silent
After all these years
In the fog
