Choking

I'm afraid I'm going to fall
And you won't be there
To wipe the blood
Dry my tears
And tell me everything
Is going to be okay.
As you touch my skin
And the flames unite
I feel whole again
For the first time
In a long time
Or ever.
And then you're gone
And I've forgotten to
Show you how much
You mean to me
Under the covers
At night
Alone
Hearing you whisper
My name
Once again
I deny myself
Any perceived pleasure
In favor
Of cradling my head
In your arms
Imagining your touch
Fatherly now
Feeling loved.

The Grace of Gratitude

In the middle of the night
One of those dark anguishing nights
Where the soul longs to leave the body
And the grueling nature of the trial by fire
Pushes me beyond the edges of this precarious thing called life,
Plummeting to the depths
And contemplating more than I could withstand,
I had to make a choice: 
Was I in or was I out? 
With despair eating a hole through my life every day
I chose life
And while the storm continued,
the wary wrath of the storm began to abate
Becoming softer
I started to relax as the miracle of gratitude began to work
Tasting the sweetness
Making peace
Recognizing the gifts
In the bleakness of the desert.  I am grateful for my beloved children who love me unconditionally,  my mom who is battling cancer and fighting for her life each and every day, not being depressed as often, the heaviness lifting some days more than others, the authentic personalities of students who use satire as a way of coping with the paradigm shifts and misaligned emphasis on standardized tesring, and finally and I am thankful for celebrating the sacrament of reconciliation with my youngest, even though two of the four priests were sick and we had to wait a long time.

Aphrodisiac

A generous portion of love
A little sex
In an aphrodisiac of moments
Molding spiritual nature
And animal nature
Celebrating that which is unique
And wonderfully human
Letting go
Trusting ones instincts
And the subtleties of arousal
Three pillows
Silk stockings--black, seamed
A blindfold
Rose petals
Two ice cubes
A feather
One hundred candles
A silk tie or scarf
Bailey's Irish Creme
Chocolate pudding
A mirror
A video camera
Listening to ones senses
Ones body
Taking time
Listening to self
Watching her
In this intimate interlude
Where God would approve
Between an imaginary husband
And his imaginary wife.  

An Exploration of Dreams

A glimpse
Into my deepest desires
A romp with a stranger
Or a romantic interlude
With an exotic dancer
An intimate dinner with a millionaire
Bachelor on his yacht
Or on a private jet
Creatively exploring
Our mutual attraction
In my vanilla nightshade
I don't live my fantasies
Life is real
And fantasies are shared
We sit across from each other
Our bedroom eyes still piercing
After 30 years
Two pads of paper
A sexual fantasy on each
Risking self
As anxiety exchanges glances
We trade papers
Read quietly
Ask questions
Clarify
We giggle and laugh
Overcoming our awkwardness
This is between the two of us
Freud would clap for me
It's easy to be bold when one is loved
Love flourishes
He is not my husband

Ode to Joy

I come to you in acts of submission
Kneeling at your feet
Our love manifests its fruition
Like two dogs humping or two cats in heat.

My body bubbles ecstasy
Blouse unbuttoned wide
You lift my chin to meet your eyes
I don't have a chance to hide

The training collar placed around my neck
Wearing it proudly I adore
Making you satisfied and complete
I am your dirty little whore

The hula slut sits on your shelf
Swaying her hips like Curly ' s tart
Unaware of your hand, the paddle, or the
belt
The Lei that binds her breasts and the whack and whack and whack that smarts

My ass is red
Heart is content
Master Sir ' s dominant head
Has this insatiable sub finally spent

He tucks me in
Spooning me asleep
Pussy still throbbing singing
Rocking my gratitude deep

When the rain drizzles on the house
And I am lost in my dreams
I am serving and giving out pleasure
Happy for the joy it brings

Reflections From the Journey

Thank you for bringing me gifts
Even those I wanted to return
I continue to heal
And whether you are from my past
Or are with me still today
I thank thee
My relationships varied:
Painful
Pleasant
Delightful
Ephemeral
Sad
Antagonistic
Caring
Short lived
Casual
Spiritual
Fleeting
Beautiful
Friendly
Unrequited
Loving
Abusive
Confusing
Jealous
Passionate
Deep
Through you
I discover me
And guide the path for others
Thank you. 

Hollows

In the hollow
Of the night
As I stand
On the icy branch
High up in the tree
Wafting in cold
I am alone
No one hears
My cries
They are frozen
Even from my ears
My existence
Futile
I wish for death
This Christmas
Sitting on Santa's lap
Respite unavailable
Muted sleigh bells
Reindeer silenced
Gagged
Giving
Bows untied
Yellowed wrapping paper
Stacks of Styrofoam containers
Water no longer running
Kitchen dishes
In the tub
Cracked panes of windows
Not able to get warm
Nightly addictions
On angel wings
Broken halos
No one cares about
Weeping
Wishes
Too late
Forgotten cocoon
Of perceived innocence
There is no balm in Gilead
To make the wounded
Whole

Behind Closed Doors

Fire
Water
Wind
Sea
Tension
in my house
Is
Killing
Me
Caterpillars
Butterflies
Cocoons
Wings
My throat
Slit
I
Can
No
Longer
Sing

Grim Reaper

Today his body rests
Returned to the earth
That gave him birth
His spirit long departed
As I scatter his ashes
Along the banks of the mighty Mississippi
I hear him laughing
In the breeze
That comes to caress my lonely soul
I see him smiling
In my bedroom
As he ties me to the chair
The one in front of the mirror
His reflection I see
Hunting for that mirror
The one I anticipated
Night after night
When I finally embrace his love
His dominance
Partnered with my submission
I find myself crying
Embracing his strong arms
And his grizzled beard
Of my imagination
Mirroring the visage
Of his tender face
In the depths
Of my continued longing
In a weeping memorial
And a celebration of life.

Severed

I wanted a friend
That's all I ever desired
And now
Strange things have happened
With no explanations
I can levitate
Really I can
And you
Your body lay frozen
In that hidden ravine
That body I nestled next to
When I was cold
I'll never know why
You severed ties once again
Every nine months so it seems
We shan't walk barefoot in the park
Any more
Why did you leave
When you clearly held out your hand
And beckoned me to take it
I knew you were falling fast
But I never imagined
The end
This way
Don't trust the amoral bastard
Don't trust the amoral bastard
This doesn't make any sense
I hope you're happy
I will burn the one book I own
Of yours
I have this strange feeling you had
Nothing to do with this
Yet confessions are not bold
The private dick will get to the bottom of this
I weep once again
Mourning the help you offered
Closing off self
Oblivious to those I used to touch
My inner sanctum
Franklin was right all along:
Three may keep a secret
If two are dead. 

Love You Like I Do

I love you like I love
The sound of a soft rain
Pattering on the rooftop
In the middle of the night
My own musical ambience
Without the cost of admission

I love you like I love
A Fall breeze
Caressing my cheeks
And ruffling my skirt
On the top of the Empire State Building
Feeling a bit like Marilyn Monroe

I love you like I love
Homemade hash brown potatoes
Grated by hand
Onions added
And sautéed in olive oil
Crispy, warm, and moist

I love you like I love
Visiting my father
On Sunday nights
Djing at WPRE
Passionately spinning records
And lighting up the moment he saw me
You make me feel loved

I love you like I love
Being tied up
With ribbons, silk, and rope
Anything that binds
Anticipating that with is primal
Dominant and intense

I love you like I love
Being loved by you
Curled up in your arms
Sexy and secure
Draping my leg over yours
Smiling
As we skip the Chinese
And fall asleep in each other's embrace
Thank you for loving me
And not abandoning me
As others have
I'll see you in the morning.  

Torn Tapestries

You are inside my mind
And my memories
Reading my mind
Walking among my memories
I am inside your mind
And your memories
Reading your mind
Walking among your memories
We are compatible
Yet alone
Separate
Despondent
Our worlds just a door away
I am afraid
But is one angel worth a thousand
Monsters?
No one is coming to help
My life means nothing
Without you
I am alone
Purpose hidden
Please hear my cries
The tapestries are torn
My body doesn't age
Here's to the slow path
Our hearts are one
The stars are aligned
But you are gone
Please visit again
Stay with me
I don't want to die alone
I say I'm all right
But we both know that's a lie
Why survive
When one only can die
Know that all things are possible
Believe
My child
We will meet again someday
Know that I loved you
I'm sorry

A

Forgotten I see
But that's okay
I've made ammends
Forgiving my soul
Moving on
Reminders of the present
The swaggering albatross
Loosened from my neck
Perched upon hidden crustaceans
And irridescent jellyfish
Usually the shoreline is in full view
Though deserted
Windmills like tiny dots
Beaches without people
Singing in the distance
Within their cloistered cottages
I am no longer welcome
Once hoping for acceptance
As I knocked on the mead hall door
Or watched the happy family
From my hovel
Poor but happy
Times they are a changing
So every so often
I weep
Mad at myself
For giving in
To the sweet temptations
Of the flesh
And of the soul
Existence is truly pain
I know that now
Cannot sleep
Until I give even more
The Deists had it right
I'm getting used to the solitude
Silencing gregarious voices
Instead I frequent
The man in black
Like Hester Prynn
There are no happy endings
I live where I've committed my sin
Hawthorne whispers
Be true be true be true
It's never to late

My Fetish

Blindfolded and tied to the door
Hands up high above my head
Legs spread ever so slightly
Not knowing what will happen next
He demands and I willingly obey
Lacy lingerie and stilettos in tact
Or an old flannel
Even a v necked tank
Or a wife beater shirt
Sounds of buttons popping all over the place
Exploding in rhythmic unison
To what we will share
Ripping or cutting my panties off
Whichever he prefers
Exposing my tits
The rest happens in our bedroom
So I'll close the door here
Later after we have pleasured each other
We may order Chinese
Or shop for more
I love when you pick out clothes for me
Or insert the plug
Firmly in private
As we're out in public
Only we know
I am yours
And you are mine
I am happy
You are so gentle
And attentive
I love you. 

Monism

If reality is one
Why are we swamped
And unfocused
Bombarded with
If onlies
I shouldn't haves
And I wonder ifs

If reality is one
Why are we out of touch
With who we are
Where we want to be
And what we've always been

If reality is one
Why are we plagued with
Suppositions and expectations
Clouded by illusions
And bound by the chains of fear

If reality is one
Why am I still living
Devoid of any joy and spontaneity
Empty only existing
Anxious, scared, and alone

If reality were one
The present would unfold
Moment by moment
Like a pink lotus flower
Set upon blooming
I would be relaxed and at peace
Surrounded by a few who love me
Instead of clutching to the tainted
Emotions and tangled vines
I try to erase
Familiar and aware am I
Descending into the dales
Deep within myself
Unable to lay the negativity to rest
Nirvana taunting me
Tickling me
The tears wash away the laughter
I'm sorry.

Him

The woman had turned away from him, her hips too.  There would be many nights like this for this was the new reality. Half asleep and half awake, she played through the past seven months wondering how things had come to this.  She had left her marriage,  her children,  her once held vocation turned job and was now with him. The crimson velvet of the comforter surrounded her and for now she was safe.  Jeffrey was still sleeping and so she had a few minutes to ponder the horrible nightmare she found herself in.  Instead she sank into the depths of sleep; she was exhausted. 

Discovering Zen

Be my teacher
You there
The one who wouldn't let me disappear
Under your watchful gaze
My invisibility cloak
Penetrated by none other than you
I hated you
Your teaching
And this class
But you wouldn't let me fall
You the persistent one
Probing into my business
Day after day after day
Encouraging me
Transmitting said wisdom
I give up
You win
Teach me
Let me see the world through your eyes
Until I can see it on my own
I want to live
Help me choose life
Until I want it in my own
I'm distracted
Yesterday I kissed my girlfriend
In the rain
As I got in the car my grandmother chastised
"What the fuck was that?"
I guess girls can't kiss other girls
Oh teacher
Reveal some great vision to me
Jazz hands enlightenment
What is the true nature of things?
I see life in the distance
Red tulips sprout
From the blackness
Let me be your pupil
The oral tradition beckons me
To come
You hold the beguiling power
Theory is dead
I will practice
And submit to your teachings
I will obey
I am yours

Uno

I wonder if it will really happen
That I'll wake up next to you
I'll be smiling of course
Because you bring out my beauty
My laughter
My smile
I'll feel thankful you know
That I brought joy to your life
As you did mine
I'll be present
And pure
Absolutely radiant
Beaming with affection
For as long as we both shall live
And when we die
Me before you
Or you before me
Or both together
The dirt will giggle
As our bones become crushed
And our flesh shrivels
The dirt continues its chuckles
And is born again
We are one
Flesh and spirit
We are one
Body and soul
We are one
Whispers and kisses
We are one
The winds and the oceans
Undulating in one breath
We are one
We have loved

Lies

She turns her head
     To glance your way
     Then back again
     Where it all began

The disquietude
     And all it brings
     To love herself
     Before loving you

Foghorn From Alcatraz

He makes a vaguely polite gesture
Buying me a $7.00 Little Orphan Annie doll from Goodwill tonight
My daughter brings it to me
There is no conversation
No excitement in his eyes
No pausing
To glance my way
I am alone like I always am
Spinning my wheels
Waiting for the right time
No nods or assurances
He looks up the price of the doll
It's worth eighty dollars
What an investment
Misguided at that
My daughter saw a skull there
She thought you might like
I'm numb tonight
Tears fall down my cheeks
Hoping my children don't notice
Marriage is a dangerous institution
Violent neglect
I sit barefooted in my Aztec leggings
Scowling now
You're so distant now
Reading the morning paper
Drinking your morning coffee
Tall wide shouldered
Ruddy complexion
Grey hair
I've forgotten the color of your eyes
Hot air in through the open patio doors
Black leather coach
Bowls of paperclips
Rubber bands
Ashes on the stained cement floor
I picture you rolling cigarettes
With deliberate care
In your boxers
Your new companion at your side
Can't help feeling alone
It's only half past eight

Between Strangers

Advancing slowly
With tentative steps
Looking through the hotel lobby foyer
Onto the busy street just beyond the lot
Her hazel eyes didn't see much
The architecture lonely in the distance
Gazing into a mirror near the front desk
Instead
Her body erect, lengthy
Long legs, high breasted
Slender hands and graceful feet
She wore two shades of taupe
To accent her eyes
Auburn curls peeked out from under her hat and her more - than - red lipstick
Enhanced her full lips.
The plink plink plinking of the hotel clerk on the computer and the ring ring ringing of the phone interrupted her thoughts
For a moment
That she didn't recognize the six foot man
When he walked in
Tan sunglasses covering his eyes
Smooth hairless scalp
He walked with a noticeable limp
One leg longer than the other
As he gazed in her direction
She only nodded a provincial hello
Because when she extended her hand
For a more formal hello
Dotted flakes of cigarette ash
Jumped out to greet her
Tightening her lips together
She coughed a little.
Her pleading eyes frantic
She kneaded the handbag slung over her
Shoulder
And without thinking
With her voice visibly shaking
She looked up to him
With his ingratiating smile
And she knew even though they were just meeting
For the first time
She knew they were going to get along
Just fine

Ecstasy of Misguided Love

Caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts
Dangerous liaisons
A little black dress
Donned for you
The you back then
When I just wanted to be loved
I would have said no
Or would I?
Yes, I would have said no.
I would have collapsed
Into your arms
Instead
And wept
Reaching out
Longing for affection
A smile
An embrace
Conversation
A laugh
An iced tea
A hike
A family
Acceptance
That was so long ago
You wiped my tears
I remember
I now forget
Abandoned
I loved you

The Line

When the time gets late
And defenses are down
And one wants to be loved
There is no room for talking

Giving it all
The very first time
I'm ready to give it all
And where is that line

Doesn't matter what you say
I see you're trying to protect me
But the outside doesn't exist
Beyond these walls

Cross the line
The present is now
There will be no regrets
No worrying about the future
That hasn't happened yet

My past is safe
Murky without love
Desires don't exist
We are here
The here is now

John Smith

When the fighting stops
And I can breathe
Gratitude fills the interstices
Of my soul
Past the noisy intersections
Where he chooses death
You are brave
Choosing change
Yet when will change come?
It isn't here yet
If you look into my eyes
You will see grief
It's time we moved on
Thank you for loving me
Looking after me
While I wait
Calculating
Pondering
Planning
Hoping
Not wanting to share
My children
If one is sick
And I'm far away
Being tied up
And happy
How can I choose happiness
When I'm still needed
To talk about boys
Or tuck him in at night
Or put a washcloth on his forehead
Aching
How can I not think about the future?
That which hasn't happened yet.
I have seen the future
And I know what needs to be done.

Hold the Applause

I feel the heat from my skin radiating
From my head to toe black
I feel the stress from the impatient
Waiting as time ticks away
I feel overwhelmed as I tackle one impediment after another
I feel myself catch my breath
As I struggle to make sense out of assumed normalcy
I feel the courage of my convictions when eyes witness the disquietude within me
And support the changes I must make
At times I feel ready to accept a need to be happy
While tonight I feel lost as the curtain closes and I am left alone
Abandoned
Lost in a New Orleans reverie of Count Basie and Louis Armstrong that improvises and swells and defies the staccato rhythms of a wayfarer ' s soul. 

Stirrings

A bed of love's security
Hear me I cry
For if my voice is denied tonight
Surely I will die
Egyptian cotton calls to me
Cradled between the sheets
My leg draped over yours
Surely can't be beat
Interstices of my mind
Fireflies of my soul
Pedestals of passion
More than you'll ever know
Please trust that I loved you
But the sad songs of guilt won
The soft earth at my feet
The assuaged damage now done
Time devours my longing
Wisdom soothes my fears
Boundaries of propriety
Warms the fallen tears
My naiveté consumes me
My curiosity swells
When good people are hurt
The residual effects dwell
With barriers of my mind open
Celebrating free at last
Your sadness will be temporary
In years it will be past
From ashes to ashes
And dust to dust
The overwhelming consciousness
Torches the scorpion's lust.

Twisted Sister

Deeper and deeper
Into the labyrinth of forgotten fear
Beyond the years of feeling
Ready for a release
Long overdue
Summoning
Until tears answered tears
Knowing I would never
Again be consumed
By complacency
And neglect
Within the chains of indifference
Worse than all the Satyrs and
Minotaurs of the night
That creature
That one who would free me
From the confines of femininity
Cumbersome as it may be
Lonely and vulnerable
Head down
Waiting for the bell to ring
A taunted freak
Stop hurting me I scream
Can't you see you're killing me?
No stopping
No safe word
Worn out
I must deserve this
Years of abuse
Is that it?  Is it over now?
My Minotaur
My Satyr
Is that you?
I didn't look up to see your face
But the fertile depths of my mind
Knew you were there
Watching
Waiting
Hoping to lure my troubled
Soul into the light.

Too Late

A sickness that consumes
A decision prolonged
Conflicting questions
Silencing the wrath of God
Edwards whispering in my ear
Might as well be damned now
The voice of God muted
Though he speaks to the child in me
That little girl who wanted to dance
Be a ballerina
In her pink tutu
At the Eastman School of Music
New York City
Tired blistered feet
But a big genuine heart
And rhythmic soul
Another voice follows you
Past the weeping willows
Of the duck pond
Saying to hell with your dreams
You will never be a dancer
You'll never take the stage in The Nutcracker
You cannot star on Broadway or imagine a supporting role
To hell with your dreams
To hell with you
To hell
Hell
And so the albatross hangs
Through years of pretend normalcy
No one's fault
Yet begetting ghosts of regret
Nights of solitude
Giving refuge to your dreams
Your embattled illusions
Hoping someday
To reconnect
Loneliness
Yellowed wedding cake
All you want to do is give
When there is no way to give
No reason to keep living
With no way out of the grave of norms
The one that binds
The voices
Silent

Like a Fairy Tale

Let my lips bid you hello

And my arms never adieu

For I want to spend a lifetime

Waking up next to you

I chose you from the start

When we were talking on the phone

You listened to me

And I was no longer alone

And we made it happen baby

Just like a fairy tale 

We made it happen baby

I believe I believe I believe in miracles

We made it happen baby

Only time will tell

I choose to have and hold you

And support you through all fears

To laugh to mourn to scream and shout

Prevent me from drowning in my tears

When you hurt I hurt

Tonight I cry myself to sleep

I want to take your pain away

So tonight all I do is weep. 

Pandora

Yellow Amnesia
Griselda Blanco
Wild Cherry
Psychosis Cheese
Vanilla Sky
Boggle Dragon
Beast Mode
Sherry Berry Chocolate
Pakistan Ryder
Panama Red
Fallen Angel
Lucky Charms
Pink Widow
Phoenix Sun
Alaskan Delight
Pineapple Princess
Point of No Return

Be Still

Be still sweet child
The time is near
Be still sweet child
I sense your fear
You're going to be with me forever
So do not be afraid
Acceptance comes
From birth to grave
Be still sweet child
I love you my pet
From the moment we met
There have been no regrets
I love you
And am always here

Beyond the Clutter

Elephant bookends
Basil leaves
Dusty pages
Summer breeze
Propeller blades
Butter knives
Silk stockings
Desperate lives
Secrets and wishes
Parcheesi and toast
Sacrament of marriage
Communal host
College campus
Books and things
Lonliness
Twisted wedding rings
Depressive darkness
Suffocating black
Sarcoma myeloma
Crucible cracks

Only an Illusion

I see a mess in the mirror
You see a girl of your dreams
I see a broken wreck of my body
You see a curvy cutie
I see a woman who isn't a good person
You see a dainty angel of grace
I see my sad countenance
You hear my laughter in your dreams
I see a depressed wife
You see a bombshell ready to explode
I see an incompetent teacher scrambling
You see a dynamic professional ready to inspire
I see a bad mother
You see a loving and compassionate one
I see a friendless girl standing by her locker alone
You see a pretty face you'd like to know
Why can't I see what you see?

Sister Moon

Sister moon
Find my
Battered soul
You lie in the heavens
Bearing your immortal glow
Irridescent
Sparkling
Sacrosanct
And pure
Juxtaposed
Against all who view
Such as me
Who am I
And why am I here?
The lies I have told
Secrets that I keep
They haunt my many walls
Beckoning monsters
Out of the deep
Deep
Deep
Deep into the heart of Texas
A sojourn to Texas
Alabama next
Searching for peace
She hasn't found it yet
The lycanthrope howls
But he doesn't
Exist
Tangible fur
With a place to rest
Lie my head down
As I loosen my mask
Unbuttoning my blouse
My panties are last
Sister moon
I crave and I lust
Hungry to quench
Wild abandon I trust
To know and submit
To dress
And stand nude
Dominant yet submissive
Seemingly crude
Tonight I give it all
I always have
Know that I love you
Please be glad
So though our hearts
Are separated
And life isn't fair
Know that I love you
I long to be there
Brother bear
Sister moon
Smile upon me
Please convince me
I am good
Rescue me
Before
It's
Too
Late

Weeps

Crying
The poor painted lady weeps
Her palette
Dry
As she falls asleep,
Dreaming of colors
Blue
And violet,
She thinks of last week
So much time had passed
It seemed not that long ago
The cat
Inadvertently
Knocking over the yellow
And then the red
It was an accident
She was angry
Her two year project
Commissioned by the Met
Ruined
Poverty her constant companion
She stopped painting
Shut the doors to her studio
A dilapidated shack
Angry and bitter
Melancholy
Sacrificing her passions
Slumping into despair
Why me she asked?
It was only later
Years later
After her cat had died
And her bungalow up for foreclosure
Did she revisit her studio
The scene of the bad
And the project
Strewn in the corner
Did she find
A sunburst of orange
For years she knew pain
Suffering
When it could have been worse
She was lucky
She had lived
And her painting
More valuable
Than before

Soon Sir

She closed her eyes.  This curious night was as all other nights one in which she would wake up alive in the morning.   It was her anniversary.   Her husband's foot got in her way, brushing up against her wearied body.   She moved over to the left side of the bed, to a little corner where she felt safe and happy, if one could call sharing a bed with this stranger happiness.  His loud breath kept her awake most nights, an incessant snoring she had never grown accustomed to.  From time to time a train rumbled in the distance,  carrying with each vibration a hope for escape, even if that meant death.  In time she would fall asleep and dream of another man, one she longed to know more than she did.  The scent of his breath, of his body, of his hair, reminded her of days yet to come.  They consumed her, and she could do nothing to shake the powerful urges from her soul.  Tonight she would remain untouched and unsullied, but her soul would dance behind her closed eyelids wishing that the child with the white woolen winter hat belonged to him, the grey fox she called Dad.  Shyly, she had let the man have his way with her and secretly she took pleasure standing naked on the brambled path as he lifted her skirt.  That night she became his.  Tonight, she would have to take pleasure envisioning the man who was capable of awakening her with his roughness.   With any rape fantasies tucked aside, the woman was slow to sink into the depths of sleep.  In her dreams she placed her leg upon his, trembling,  her cheeks wet with tears, waiting and wanting to come home. 

Tangled: Chapter 2

It was a good day.  It's even a better day when reality is pushed down in favor of surrealism or esoterism.   Hell, I might even dance with some of the other isms-nihilism, existentialism,  sado masochism, agnosticism, Buddhism.    You name it.  On the surface I am open and articulate, upbeat and motivated.  But the other part of me does not possess a sense of clarity or decisiveness but rather a strangling tightness.   The hypocrisy we live with in so many ways is deafening.   The ism that is forgotten is eroticism.   Fabricated from fragments of lust, it calls me like so many others to question that which  falsely surrounds our being.  It is the essence of humanity, urging us to be present within ourselves.  Dizzy with immediacy it calls us and our trapped spirits to soar.   I smile embracing for the first time ever, or at least in a very long time, a lyricism of the highest intensity, climaxing and embracing the possibility of impossibility.  The radiance of life consumes me.   In her fervor I celebrate today.  I no longer gasp for air in the confinement of that garage in Arizona.   That would be garage of that would be life among the scorpions and the saguaro cacti.  I'm breathing peacefully now. Let's wait until tomorrow to be suffocated again. 

Tangled: Chapter 1

I've been cleaning the garage all day and quite honestly I'm tired of it.  Now at least the weather is conducive to garage cleaning.  In Wisconsin I hardly notice if I haven't drunk my eight glasses of water.  Now if I were in Phoenix this time of year this scenario would play a little differently.   First I probably would not have a garage.  If I did I wouldn't be able to bare more than ten minutes in it without feeling sick to my stomach, lightheaded, or something worse.   I'm glad I'm not in Arizona.   I wonder if they even have garage sales in Arizona.   They surely wouldn't have yard sales this time of year would they?  I'll have to ask Jeanne the next time I'm there.  So here I am sitting in my living room, showered shaved and trimmed.  I have on beige silky underwear, grey tight shorts, and a bright red tshirt sporting an electric guitar.  Millie is laying at my feet on top of my fuzzy cheetah blanket.  She's getting ready to bark at me.  Lately she's been barking for seemingly no reason.  She has food, water, and treats. She doesn't need to go outside.  I don't think she's in any pain, though for a 97 year old dog what do I know.  I guess we will all find out soon enough.  Her hearing is going.  I think she senses stress in my marriage.   Animals know when one is sick or sad or stressed.  Perhaps she's just picking up on what's not being said.  So here I sit.  Today was a good day.  Everyday I am alive is a good day. 

The End

My deepest desires
Submerged in my soul
A life wrought with lies
Now taking its toll
What can I do
When all has been lost
Bill had been right
With the Tempest that's been tossed
I'm losing me an inch at a time
I'm losing me an inch at a time
The circus tent is all in tow
The lion tamer erect and ready
The elephants depressed and looking sad
The fat lady baritone and heady
It's not a choice so don't blame me
As I'm sitting in the stands
A hazy film wafts over me
And you may get angry and not understand
I tried to get help
And fight all I could
But my freak family didn't support me
And love me like they should
Chains of sorrow
Plagued me every day
Cortisone wreaked havoc
In each and every way
The chemical imbalance
Situational indeed
Escalated
Like your predilection for weed
There's no way out
The tent has come down
And the circus train
Rolls on to the next town
Life goes on for the lucky.

Lamenting Moon

I had been dreaming
Knew from the moment I woke
My sleep wasn't restful or serene
Even with jet lag
Tossing and turning
Tearful
In some reverie
I had been painted blue
Circles up and down
My legs
Imprints of henna
That never would fade
Not like the love
I thought I had
Long ago
When the sacrament
Was christened
And the nature worshippers
And the Buddhists didn't get invitations
Only the white Catholics
Or so it seemed
No Jews
Hispanics or Hindus
Muslims or Blacks
Native Americans
There may have been two Methodists
Now that I remember
It was so long ago
I didn't know you then
And you hadn't looked into my soul
I hadn't fallen in love with you
Had I known
I would have howled at the moon
And danced in your gaze
Instead I ate vanilla cake
And walked down an empty aisle
Of regret
Please forgive me.

The Past

It slips away
Without sentimentality
Or contempt
Some days
Out of the corner
Of my ears
I see
Places frequented
People persisting
Grounded in that which is familiar
And safe
The framework of my mind
No longer nostalgic
or commonplace
But no longer distant
Imploring me to let go
She slips
Receding a few feet
Into the sea
Each and every year
Sometimes we romanticize it
Other times we set fire to her bed
Of rocks
Stoned in the conscience
Of those who rebuke
And say I can't understand
Because I haven't tried it
Today I reminisce
That is all
Muted by new circumstances
Though grounded still
I grow frail
Death indeed stalks us every day
I remain afraid
By the choices I make
Or fail to make
Seeing that which is tangible
Pass away
As the mind overwhelms me
I feel myself longing for what is
In front of me
Nothing is perfect
Though in some ways
I strive to climb out
Of my ordinary abyss
And accept that it's no one's fault
People change
And I must move forward
Sometimes I wonder
How long it would take to bleed
To  death
That may be the only way for him
To loosen the ties that bind
To let me go
Amicably
Nobody will remember me
When I'm gone
The transcendental plebeian
Whose effort wasn't good enough
No wonder she lives alone.

City of Parks

Every map
is purely fiction
Every map
offers choices
Is it possible
to choose something beautiful
or am I trapped on
Liberty Lane?

Flickerings

The patterns
Predicted themselves
As habits became ingrained
Mireya had been in the hospital
Since July 4
And he hadn't noticed
Not really anyway
He had a passion for giving
Just not to her anyway
Not capable
Stiff
Obligatory
Christening her with obligatory hellos
She lay alone
Fourth floor
No sparklers or fountains of color
Celebrating independence
On the outside
Pale
Haggard
Lonely
Agoraphobic at times
But inside her mind flickered
Dancing
With abstractions
Mainly black and white
Beanbag chair
Red
Closet
Kiss
Fear
Bike
Chain
Caught
Foot
Blood
Gravel
Hard
Cock
Suck
Damn it was so easy
Mireya went there
Remembering
Flickerings of a former life
A fantasy
Unfulfilled
Tempting
Wanting to be loved
Trying to survive...before....
That was before
The sweet nectar
From the oleander trees
Death did not reach her in time.

Lotus

Yes, it is here
For her
For Sydney
Grief
Presenting itself
It is her story
Her narrative
Unfolding
Not petal by petal
But in its entirety
For the first time
Her room
Empty,
Not merely unoccupied.

Earth Songs

As witnessed by her sins during the past year, morality must not always enter her psyche.  Sydney believes, however,  that each of us is crucified.  Perhaps her own crucifixion is the remorse and humiliation of living the life she has woven for herself. 

High Vibrations

Crystal chakras
From the Himalayas
Lining the collar
Time to find happiness
The kind that nourishes the soul
And pleasures the flesh
Why is life so difficult sometimes?
Not yielding to matters of the heart.
Overthinking
Succumbing to expectations
The ones she places on herself
Masterbating in the darkness
And in the light
A maid comes
She cleans up
After Thanksgiving
The baster washed and dried
The gravy boat put away
In the china cabinet
The guests have gone home
She sits on the edge
Of her bed
Twisting realities
Cutting herself
Deeper
Fucking her pussy
And her ass
Better in the abstract
Making her cum

The solitary alpha gone beta
Even she is not without hope.

Cutting Some Slack

A warrior princess
Overbooked and battle weary
Like so many
She is not alone
Yet as she waves the white flag of surrender
She longs for balance
A life of purpose and soul
Rather than silent anonymity
Faith
Family
Friends
Fitness
Finances
The yin and yang of that elusive thing we call happiness
When life seems to take center stage
Pushing herself into the spotlight
She strives to find equilibrium
And trips
Yet again
Bruised and battered
Guilty that she stays
At peace if she goes
Desirous of affection
Launched into her psyche
The one that is not at peace
The doubting worrier
Who mustn't whisper defeat
Healthier
Happier
Loved

Futility

Vanilla ice cream
Started my neurosis
It must have
Sitting in a Styrofoam cup
In the freezer
I asked where it came from
And he shook his head
Maybe you should see your doctor
If you can't remember where it came from
What am I supposed to do?
I can't think about the past
Or hypothesize about the future
When I stay in the moment I worry
Or cry or get mad or overwhelmed
By a plethora of emotions and thoughts and anxieties filling my head swarming around like the wasp that was flying about our house earlier today
Nothing is definable
Or tangible like it was last week
When I was in your arms
You held me and said everything was going to be all right
Our days continue to be consumed
With emptiness and senselessness
My days must parallel others
I can't be alone in my malaise
Or am I alone?
The Hersey syrup bubbles as I squeeze the last few drops out of the bottle
The ice cream soothes my throat
Hopefully giving voice to the throat chakra that has vanished over the years
I doubt I suffer from any clinically definable neurosis yet
Yet I've been wrong before
I deleted your messages finally today
Whisperings of that little black dress
Echoing in my ear
It is time to forget
And time to remember
Time to move on
And time to reflect
Utter futility is all I have to say
That's what life is
I see my doctor at ten tomorrow
I'll tell him I enjoyed the ice cream.

Past Behind

Had a taste
Of leaving the past behind
But when my face is pressed
Up against the window
I cry
Knowing my journey
Can't be hurried
Swamped at times by the mind
That wastes the life
One longs to live
Trying to rediscover
That who I really am
And want to be
I feel the slow transformation
As my nipples are strung high up
To the ceiling
In all my confusion
I find sanity
If only for a little while
Before the waves wash over me
Moment by moment
Breath by breath
Spontaneous encounters
With you
Free from illusions
And material success
Tranquil
Relaxed
Long forgotten senses
Reminding me what I had forgotten
Fighting
Floundering
Questioning
Holding on
While letting go.

The Last Dance

We do the dance
The dance that we do
Usually flawless
Rhythmic
Syncopated
Connected on a level
Transcending looks
You're not the prettiest
Not like Eileen
The nurse who took care of me
She was fucking gorgeous
You look nice though
That smile
Those lips
Your neck
Breasts
Hips
Gyrating to the tempo
I create
B Tribe
On an island
Looking into my eyes
It is a Siren I surmise