April 26, 1988
Hi S-Person,
How is everything going? I have definitely had better days/weeks than
this myself, so I hope
things are better for you. I’m sitting here (you guessed it, at work) at
about 10:30 at night. I’ve
been sitting
here in front of two different terminals working on two different programs in
two
different languages for almost four hours now. Neither one of the programs is going worth
shit,
and I’m getting more and more frustrated as time goes on. Almost as frustrated as when I called
you the
other night, and you interrupted me at least twice. I will not tolerate interrupting Doll
Face. You know what Daddy will do should
you interrupt me again? Anyways, writing
to you is
going to be a nice little way to keep my sanity.
I just keep telling myself that I
only have six and a half months left to go…just six and a half
months…just six and a half months…just six and a half months…I’m
getting sleep…Boy am I
getting sleepy! I
think I could tell you an interesting story when I went to the bathroom
upstairs.
With my pants around my ankles, jacking off as I’m thinking of you
<sorry if I’m being a little crass;
we all do it,> I noticed a piece of graffiti
above the toilet in the stall. It said: “Acid consumes 47
times its own weight in
excess reality.” Sorry, but I just found
that kind of funny.
Anyways, at the moment I’m sort of
out of touch with reality. My brain is
getting kind of fried,
and I just don’t care.
I’m tired and weary and depressed and all I want to do is leave my
fucking job
and be done with school.
I’ve been getting between seven and eight hours of sleep each night, but
I’m still tired as well. My wife is
always leering over my shoulder demanding my attention, and I’m
sick of this
shit. I wish I could have talked to you
tonight. It may have helped with my
temperament
a little. What I need is either a twelve hour night of
sleep or a good cry or both of the above.
Somehow I don’t think I’ll get either.
So I get to play the old grin and bear it game.
I wish it was easier for us to make
connections. You called me Monday night,
but I was gone and
didn’t get back home until 1:00 a.m. Tonight I called you, and you were gone. I’m guessing you had
play practice, so the
earliest I’ll probably be able to talk to you is Thursday. It’s not like I won’t be
able to survive, but
I have to admit that I’m starting to get that falling feeling about you. While I’m
trying to keep my desires in check
and reduce the wanting, I really hope you have some time to talk
with me this
weekend.
I’ve been having some fatalistic
thoughts lately that I haven’t had for quite a while, not since before I was
married. Thoughts about how interesting
it would be to die and see what happens next.
The feeling I’ve been having has been sort of a Hindu kind of
thing: I feel my soul leaving my body
and flowing into the world, becoming one with the hills and trees, the cumulous
clouds, and the animals in the forest.
There are no singular identities, just the world as a whole. It’s a very peaceful vision, and at times very
compelling also.
Well S-Person, I’ll leave you with
a quote from the liner notes of an album by the group Propaganda. “Without love, beauty, and danger it would be
almost easy to live.” Cheers to a
complicated world that we take one day at a time. Looking forward to a hand job from you baby
<mental image>. Goodnight.
Max
6/21/88
Hi S-Person,
Surprise! It’s me again. After waiting this long to hear from me, now
I’m writing twice in one day. I just
spent the last two hours helping Margaret get ready for the holidays. Her lupus is in quite a funk and she is
exhausted. She is resting now, and I am
wrapping presents. Although she was able
to come home from the hospital, she is not doing well. Fluid has gathered around her heart and her
kidneys are starting to fail. Trying to
keep her comfortable. I’m done wrapping
and I’m chilling on my couch and watching the Stars-Kings game on my
tablet. It would certainly make my day
if the Stars were to lose this. (I might
even be forced to be happy if that happened).
I
think one reason for my being moody lately, besides all of the obvious ones, is
that I’ve been kind of tired and run down.
Getting up at 6:00 in the morning to play ball with the guys has cut
down a little on my sleep, and being in the heat can really zap your energy
after a while. Sometimes it can really
be surprising what a difference being tired makes. And while I’m on the subject of my moods, I
want to say thanks for being supportive on the phone last night. I know you had had a little more than a
little to drink, but nevertheless you were your giddy upbeat self that I so adore. I know you wanted to talk longer (granted I
did too), but you helped knock a little self-pity out of me, which is something
I needed. Delicious as always. Just whatever you do S-Person, don’t change a
thing. I enjoy our meandering, overly
personal, flirty, pouty, mildly embarrassing chats where your inhibitions are
gone and you tell me what you like in bed.
<He says, pushing his luck.>
Anyway,
I just listened to Bruce Springsteen’s “Tunnel of Love” CD a little while ago,
and I got the poetry bug in me. My poem
didn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped, but that’s okay. I’ll write it down in a minute for you to
see. I don’t know if you’re familiar
with the song “Tunnel of Love,” but it’s a view of a relationship played out
through the tunnel of love at a carnival.
There’s a line right at the beginning as the couple goes into the tunnel
that to me says volumes in just a few scant words: “The lights go out and it’s just the three of
us, you, me, and all that stuff we’re so scared of…” that line, among others was the inspiration
for the following little gem.
I want you
And you want me
I thought that’s how
It was supposed to be
But we’re spending our time
By playing this game
No fingers to point
We’re both to blame
We spend too much time
Remembering when…
Both of us scared
To be hurt again
We’re fighting ourselves
And it’s all such a shame
We keep pushing away
But we both feel the same
No matter what happens
I hope in the end
We can see it all through
And you’ll still be my friend
But will it be more?
It remains to be seen
Will love become reality
Or just stay in my dream
Okay, okay S-Person, hold your
applause. It’s kind of sing songy and
while I realize it’s not
much, it’s my way of expressing what I see going
on. I like to watch remember? Like I just shared
with you over the phone,
it’s only supposed to be an observation, nothing more. I’d like to know
your reaction to it
sometime. Not artistically, but rather
your opinion as to whether I am on track or
not. Sometime when we’re both comfortable with
each other and we’re living a little nearer to each
other, I’d like to exchange
some writings. You’ve seen my writings
on my blog, but I would like to
see some of the things that you’ve written
to.
I
hope that sometimes I don’t seem a little too forward or forceful when I talk
to you (especially our recent late evening phone calls). I’ve just gotten to the point where I feel
comfortable being open and honest with you about my feelings. Since I don’t feel like I have too much to
hide, I’m afraid that sometimes I might come on a little too strong. Although I am married, I’m not ashamed of my
feelings, just a little unsure of how to deal with them once in a while. Please bear with me and don’t let me scare
you off if I sound too serious (There’s that word again). And now it’s after 11:30, so I’m going to
sign this off and get to bed. 6:00 a.m.
rolls around awfully fast. Thanks a lot
for calling tonight. I feel lucky that
I’ve met you and am now in the process of witnessing you change your life for
the better. I have no idea if I helped
you do that <I like to think I wielded some slight influence>, and I
think you are making good choices.
S-Person, I’m sorry that the call had to end on kind of a down
note. I’ll try to make it up to you somehow
the next time we talk. Be thinking of
how I can do just that. Do you want to
try the web cam? Well, I look forward to
talking to you next week sometime, so until then be good and think about me
once in a while.
Love,
Max
July 7, 1988
Hi
S-Person,
And how
are you feeling? I do see a bit of
flushing in your cheeks. Hmmmmmm, I
wonder what you have been up to. Want to
share? While sorting through some boxes
the other day I came across a stack of rack cards and other author swag. I thought that maybe since you do not have
any pictures of me, you might enjoy a couple of these. So, it is of no use beating around the
bush. What you would like to do with our
relationship from here is up to you. I
commend myself into your hands.
I want
to thank you for all that you’ve done for me over the last few years; after our
late night phone calls in the middle of the night, our chatting on Facebook,
emails, texting, day-time phone calls, Words With Friends games, Blog following,
etc. I started realizing just how important you are to me. When I don’t hear from you, I get that pit in
my stomach that makes me question if everything is okay on your end. I think about you constantly: what you are doing, thinking, feeling. You have helped me to grow and also to feel
some things that I haven’t felt in a very long time. I learn more things from you and as a result
of you and am challenged each time we talk.
Despite the ups and downs, I would not trade my relationship with you; I
like helping you and encouraging your growth.
If you weren’t so special to me, I wouldn’t be tempted to use that word
that we’re so scared of to describe my feelings about you.
Despite
the way our conversation started last night and the awkwardness of Margaret
answering the phone, it means more than I can tell you that you called. It’s so important because it means that you
trusted me enough to turn to me when you needed someone to lean on. Now if that’s not making an incredible change
and growth in a short period of time, I don’t know what is.
I want
you to know that whatever happens to us in the future, I’ll always be there to
help you if and when you need someone.
And though it sounds like such a silly empty promise, it is really
true. That’s why I’m putting it down in
writing, so that if I ever forget or deny it, you can hold me to my word. Like Brutus, I’m an honorable man, and I don’t
make promises lightly.
S-Person, please don’t ever walk out of my life.
Just hearing you talk about it last night
scared
me.
We’d both lose so much if it
happened.
And I hate to think of losing
someone so dear.
Keep
your head up and
stay persistent, and I guarantee it will pay dividends much greater than your
investment.
I can’t prove it, so please
trust me now and look back later to see that I am right.
Thank
you my dearest S-Person.
<He pulls her leg up so it is draped over
his >
Kisses,
Max
July 15, 1988
Dear S-Person,
How’s everything? I’m sitting here at 10:00 watching Dr. Who
and fighting off the tremendous urge to call
you. God, I am missing you terribly. I always have trouble resisting this, but
after our talk today, it’s even
harder than ever. You really scared me with talk of going to
the garage and, well you know what I’m talking
about. I hadn’t heard from you for at least 32
hours, and I was worried. That isn’t
like you. Maybe you are
reading a little
too much Silvia Plath these days. Just
kidding. Please know I am here for you
always. Despite
your sullenness and
snotty nose and a not-the-most-opportune- of-circumstances moment, we finally
crossed a
bridge in our relationship didn’t we? I trust you, and you trust me. Oh well, it was only
a matter of time
before our comfort levels increased. Where do we go from
here? Well…only time will tell us
that. And as far
as that goes, you could
say the next time I’m in town will be the beginning of that time (Boy, I’m so
good at
twisting logic!) I don’t know
how I’ll wait that long to see you or even talk to you. I’m starting our list of
potential activities for the night now, and I
don’t think we’ll be too bored. No, sex
isn’t one of the things on
the list…perhaps on the long-term list, but not
quite yet.
It’s kind of like our phone call
and I asked you to take off your bra.
You asked if you could take
off anything else. Oh S-Person, our relationship is sure to
include lots of firsts. Let’s just not
use
them up all in one night. If you’re
making a list too, we should be able to merge them into a pretty
fun night the
next time we are able to get together.
I
found out today at work that I’m not going to be working on the OP system after
all. I can’t
say why (hell, perhaps they found out about my soon-to-be-announced resignation), but they picked
Peter, to do it instead. I was disappointed and upset about it when I
found out this morning. I guess I
still
am even now, but I’ll have to get over it since there’s nothing I can do about
it. They
haven’t
told me what my new specialty will be.
I do know that I’ll be learning Telon, which is good. Telon
is sort of a language in itself that’s
used to develop screens for the users.
I’ll explain it better
sometime in person. T’s used extensively in the OP system, and I
knew that the OP person would use
it. This
morning, my boss told me that Peter and I and Zach (the guy who has only been
there for six
months) would all be going to a class to learn it. That made me a little happier. When I found out
where the classes were I got
even happier: they’re in Denver,
Colorado the first week in August. I
get
to fly on a jet and everything! I’m
probably about as excited about that as I am about anything
else. It’ll be three days of expense account
living, just like real businessmen do.
Tonight
Margaret and I hung up some new artwork in our living room. Can’t wait for you to
come see me. You know our guest bedroom is always open for
you. I know that may seem a little
awkward, but I’m sure Margaret won’t mind.
You’re getting to be one of the family.
After some
interior decorating, I made a trip out to the mall and bought
50 feet of speaker wire. Don’t
laugh.
Stop it now. I can see you grimacing. While at the mall, I stopped into Radio Shack
and spent about
20 minutes talking to a clerk
about speakers. I’ve decided I’m
going to build a set of speakers rather
than buying a good set. My dad was quite the cabinet maker in his day
and <ahem> I hope a little of
that has rubbed off on me. That’s another topic I know you’ve been
wondering about. I haven’t told
you a
lot about my father, so we’ll have to put that on the list. Anyway, I was doing some looking at
woofers
and tweeters when the clerk asked me if I needed help. I said no, I was just checking prices
and
wattages in preparation for building speakers.
Turns out that he does the same thing himself, so
he gave me some little
pointers, and we had a nice conversation.
It kept my night from being too
mundane at least.
And
speaking of boring, I’ve been so fulfilled writing to you that it’s almost
midnight now. I have to get up at 7:00 in
the morning to play ball again with the guys.
S-Person, you scared me the other day with your talk of your
garage. I hope wherever we are headed
from here, that you trust me and know I will always be here for you. Believe that.
I’ll see you tomorrow. Love and kisses. Goodnight!
Max
11/1/88
Dear S-Person,
I just got your letter and
postcard in the mail this afternoon. No,
I wouldn’t say it was a “sappy”
letter.
It was very sweet, open, and honest.
You said things in it that I suspected for a while (maybe
for about a
year), but that you never really came out and said before. It probably means more to me
than any letter
I’ve gotten from you, because you let your defenses down and showed me your
true
feelings. I know how difficult that
is for you to do considering our present situation. I’ve seen you
do a lot of changing in the
last year, you’ve had to, and I’ve seen you do a lot of growing up. I’ve
told you from the beginning what a
special person you are and how much you had inside to share if
you’d ever let
anyone else in.
I
was watching the Kings tonight and their loss made me literally sick to my
stomach. We’re only about halfway into
the season, so despite their five-game losing streak, I have high hopes for
another Stanley Cup victory. Needing a
healthy diversion from my sorrow, I spent the evening reflecting on us and when
we first met. From the moment I spoke
with you online, I knew we had this special affinity. You made me smile S-Person, and although “we”
are a bit complicated, you have taken a special place in my heart. When I flew to Chicago to meet with my
publisher, I looked forward to the possibility of meeting you. Expectations and visions of our first meeting
changed a bit, when you called with the abrupt news. Instead of meeting you at my hotel in
Chicago, I drove to Janesville, Wisconsin and first met you at your husband’s
funeral. Even though it was a somber occasion,
inside I couldn’t help but feel a little joy.
I know that sounds selfish, but hey, I’m being honest. We didn’t exchange more than a dozen words,
and I didn’t see what you looked like under your mourning veil, but oh S-Person
I instantly was smitten with you. I
couldn’t help but notice your “beautiful legs.”
All along I always hoped I could be the one to be your special person. I
did everything I could to try to get you to let me in. I couldn’t force my way in; that would
destroy everything. All I could do was
try to show you what you possessed and how much more it would be worth if you
shared it. I accepted the fact that even
if I never saw the fruits of my labor, the fact that I helped you would make it
all worthwhile. Hell, I am almost old
enough to be your father. Accepting one’s
mortality and the acute possibility for rejection from you was never an easy
thing for me to do. But I found the strength I didn’t know I had by doing
it.
Now
the future stretches out just as dimly lit and unsure as ever in front of us,
but just knowing that you have let me into your private world makes everything
a little less scary. Now no matter what
happens to us, no matter how close we stay or how far we drift apart, nothing
can ever take away my knowing what it feels like to wake up next to you when we
love each other and have torn down all of the walls between us.
Please
don’t ever be afraid to be yourself, and don’t ever be afraid to tell me what
you feel. It’s not sappy and it’s not
stupid, it just makes me love you more.
Kissing you on your nose to say goodnight. I love you.
Max
11/5/88
Dear S-Person,
It’s about quarter to one in the
morning and I just got home and felt like talking to you. Since I
couldn’t do that, I danced around my
publishing group site, flirting with my silliness. Why is it that
you never introduce me to your
students? I feel so unloved and
<sniff> unappreciated. I'm really
enjoying my new job. Today Ozzie and I hung out at The Corner again for
lunch. He’s hooked.
Afterwards we went to the new Huntington
Central Park Sports Complex. It’s the
new state-of –the
art recreational facility featuring baseball and soccer
fields, children’s play areas, food concessions,
restroom facilities, multiple
parking lots, and beautiful columns and landscaping. You would love
it!
As we were walking around, I
noticed an amphitheater set in a shady eucalyptus grove within a
park. Some actors were
performing Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing. I know you
mentioned Hamlet, but is Much Ado
a play you teach? Ozzie and I weren’t
able to watch it all, but
we did catch some of it. S-Person, do you think we are more like Benedick and Beatrice bantering
back and
forth, witty, and disdainful of love? Or
we more like Claudio and Hero, who are rendered
practically speechless from
their love for one another? Benedick and
Beatrice argue with delightful
wit, and Shakespeare develops their journey from
antagonism to sincere love and affection with a
rich sense of humor and
compassion. I look forward to hearing
your thoughts.
After watching a little Shakespeare in the Park and on our way back to our
car, Ozzie and I were
listening to some music and talking about life. I had him give me a little help on a song I’m
writing;
it was one of those times when one has a chance to kind of recharge
one’s spiritual batteries so to
speak.
When Ozzie dropped me off, we both had the feeling of being a little
more alive.
What I really wanted to do after that was spend some time with you. I wanted to slip my hand
between your legs
and show you how much I missed you. To
watch you and listen to you moan with
pleasure gives me so much joy. While I like it when you reciprocate, my cock
gets hard just
watching you and hearing you get off. I like to take my fingers and fuck you with one
finger at a
time, sliding in and out of you ever so softly. And when you are on the edge and looking at
me with
your big hazel eyes, I am filled with ecstasy myself.
I know you’re often a bit squeamish when you read my stories and those
words, but oh S-Person,
I’m feeling I’m
really at my best and have a stronger sense of purpose and direction when I’m
with
you. I was so tempted to call you
at about 7:00 when I got home to see if I could hop on a plane to
come see
you. I was sure at that point; however,
you already had plans for the evening, so I
overcame my temptation. With a $397.00 price on the plane ticket,
that was probably a wise move.
Margaret
may have questioned the charges, and I wasn’t in the mood to argue with
her.
I ended up spending most of my time playing cards with Ozzie and a few of
the guys from work. I
made up for the
night we played over at the pool and lost, because tonight I was up
$30.00. On the
whole, I would consider
it to be a very good evening, relaxing with my friends. I just wish I could
have spent the time with
you, too. I guess I don’t have too much
more to say in this letter. I just
wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you and wish I could see you. My “beard” (if I can
really call it that) is
getting a little longer and fuller, but it still looks pretty shabby. Being the rebel
that I am, though, I don’t
really care that much. And the song that
I’m writing is something I really
want to share with you. It’s in the early stages right now, but I can
tell you that the working title is
“Walking Through Life in Another Man’s
Shoes.” It started as an outgrowth to
that little poem I
started writing from the last time we were together and of
my reflections on the movie Crossroads.
I
don’t know how it will turn out, but I do know that writing it is
something that is important to me.
I’ll
let you know when I finish, because if it turns out right, it will be something
I’ll really be proud
of. For now, take
care. Imagine my hand between your legs
and the way I feel about you. I love
you.
Love,
Max
Nov. 15, 1988
Hi S-Person,
It's me! It's a little after 7:00, and I
just got home from Ozzie’s going-away party. It was held at
The Corner, a
restaurant and Bar in Huntington Beach.
It’s kind of customary that whenever
someone leaves, be it quitting or
retirement, that they have a get together at The Corner. I want to
take you here someday. From the 48 hour fries and their secret sauce
to the eclectic cocktails: Dark
and
Stormy, Moonshine Mohito, and Antioxidant Intoxicants, you’re sure to find something
that will
delight. What was it that
you’re allergic to? You’ll have to remind me. Well, it was fun to see some
of the people
from work and their spouses in an-other-than-work sort of setting. For some strange
reason, though, I kept
wishing I was with you. My wife wondered
what was up. I told her I had an
upset
stomach which was partly the truth, but as much as it pains me to say it
S-Person, I am hooked.
Even
after all this time, <What has it been?
Seven years already?> I’ve been keeping a little part of myself
safe. It hasn’t been intentional, but
after being burned many times before and after reconciling my own celibate
relationship with my wife, I’ve protected myself a little. Again, it has not been intentional, and I
haven’t held anything out on you. I’ve
been totally upfront and not hidden anything from you. Somehow, even when I was falling for you, I
managed to keep something safe though. I
can see now that maybe I’m not as scared, or maybe I can’t hide any
longer. Whatever the case, I still can’t
make any promises about what will happen in the future. Only time will tell us that. But if you want to give this a shot with me, I’ll
give it a shot with you. Between the two
of us, we might just be able to make it work.
I
want so badly for it to be Christmas break already. I don’t know how I can wait to see you
again. The thought of spending an entire
weekend with you after so long…how will I survive? We should have so much fun with that time
together; plus, I’ll see to it that you get your Scarlet Letter essays graded
and your lesson planning done. I know I
can help. I’ve always liked to play
school, that along with doctor of course.
I
hate to go, but I have to go over to Ozzie’s house for the second part of the
party. I’ll be home from it early (being
the good boy that I am) because I have to be up to play baseball tomorrow
morning at 7:00 a.m. It’s a city league
that I’ll tell you more about later.
I’ll finish up after our practice.
I love you S-Person.
10:45
p.m.—Well, I just got home from Ozzie’s; it was fun, even though I felt out of
place
without a spouse. Margaret stayed
home. She had another lupus flare up and
was extremely tired.
Again, I got a
chance to talk to some people outside the atmosphere of the corporate
office: no suits,
no ties, and no
titles. Kind of refreshing. I’m going to bed now, and all I wish is that
you were here
to make my bed a little warmer and a little less empty. Although Margaret and I have grown closer,
we
still often sleep in our Jack and Jill beds.
I feel so alone. Somehow I’ll
survive for another week
until I see you <I don’t know how, but somehow…and
someday…>
Good
morning. It’s 9:30 and I got back a
little while from baseball. I didn’t
play too great, but it wasn’t terrible either.
I’m going to get in the shower soon, but first I want to tell you something
that happened to me last week. I was
sitting at work Wednesday morning working with my usual Excel spreadsheets and
the phone rang. I figured that like
usual when my phone rings, it would be for the guy who previously had my phone
number. Instead what I got was quite the
surprise. I answered it and it was
Brianna Costello, one of my good friend
Chuck’s sisters. She’s a doctor here in
town, and she invited me over for lunch today.
Chuck and Pamela are up here for the weekend, so she thought it would be
fun to surprise them and have me come over.
I’m looking forward to it; I haven’t had a chance to talk to Chuck or
Pamela for quite awhile. I’d like to
know how both of them are doing.
So,
with that slight digression, I guess I should go for now. Margaret is at the doctor’s office, and I’m
going to go shower, so I can be nice and clean for my “lunch date.” I hope “The Messiah” goes well <or should
I say went since you’ll be reading this after it’s done>. I’m sure you knocked ‘em dead. I’ll talk to you this week sometime to
finalize our plans for next weekend.
Take care and stay healthy. I’m
thinking about you silly girl!
Love, Max
Jan. 9,
1989
Dear S-Person,
I just got back to Costa Mesa a
few minutes ago and am now sitting down to write you a quick
letter before
going to bed. Margaret is resting comfortably. I like how despite this technological age,
we
are choosing to support the local post office.
We must be philatelists at heart.
All of this religion
talk lately has caused me to do a lot of
thinking. There’s no doubt that we’ve
still got quite a bit of
talking to do on the subject. However, maybe the best thing we could do
would be to give it a little
rest, for a while, even if it were only for a
week. I know you are strong in your
Catholic faith as am I
in Buddhist teachings, but maybe some down time will
give us a chance to get our heads cleared so
we can take a fresh look at
things. This might not be the best
thing, but everything is kind of jumbled
up in my head with so much happening
so fast. I need a little time to think
without any pressure.
I’m not someone who makes a lot of
promises, because sometimes they can be too hard to keep.
But I want to make one to you right now. It may sound kind of dumb or “mushy,” but
it’s what I
feel. If you give me the
chance, I’m going to show you what love is.
Not something simple, but all
of love:
all of its power, strength, compassion, support, romance, caring,
friendship, and everything
else. I’ll
show you what it means to have a true lover, even as I am still learning
myself. I won’t
hold anything back from
you, and I’ll never let you settle for second best from me or yourself. I’ll
give you something that you’ll never get
from anywhere else, now or ever in the future.
The two of
us make a dynamic duo, and I want to keep proving it to you
over and over. I don’t want you to ever
forget what it feels like to be loved, and especially to be loved by me.
S-Person, if music is my life, you
are my song. And if I make my promise,
my words and actions
will keep on playing our song forever. All you have to do is sign your name across
my heart. I love
you.
Max
January 22, 1989
Dear S-Person,
I’m sitting here at work on Sunday
night trying to finish the work I’ve been doing for the last few weeks. I’ve finally gotten the breakthrough that
I’ve been looking for for a long time.
It feels so wonderful to know that I’m almost done with this shit that’s
been plaguing me and making my life seem like hell. After putting in almost 55 hours last week
and almost 60 the week before that, it will feel like the albatross is off my
shoulders when I get all done with this stuff tomorrow. The pressure I have had on me has been the
worst I’ve ever had in my life. It’s
worse than when I was teaching.
I just finished talking to you on
the phone from the local Big Lots, and that’s the primary reason
I’m writing
this to you. There have been some things
on both of our minds for quite some time, and
we really don’t have any choice
but to get them out in the open if we want to save our relationship.
It’s gotten down to the time where we either
sink or swim; we’ve used up all our other options.
If you want me to let you go, I’m
not going to stand in your way. I’m
tired of treating you with kid gloves and being careful not to say anything
that might bother you. I write adult
fiction in my spare time and flirt and talk to other women. I’ve never not been honest with you. I love my wife, and there are other women I
love as well. I would not describe
myself as a philanderer or a gigolo, but I admire women and their beauty, on
the inside and out. I know you’re
stressed at school and on the home front.
But as we have gotten to know each other, you’d have to agree that we
too share a special affinity unlike any other.
Our long-distance relationship has quickly escalated. I didn’t plan it and wasn’t expecting it; I
like you more than I should. Know that
the present situation we’re in is as much your doing as it is mine. We’ve both made the decisions that have put
us here, and we both have to take responsibility for them.
I’m not going to baby you or pamper you about
this or anything else. Though I’m much
older than you,
I’m not going to be a substitute daddy to take care of
you. My dearest S-Person, I’m going to
give you support
and be beside you when you need me, but I’m not going to make
myself always be there when you “want”
me.
We all have to learn to rely on our inner strength to make it through
things or we’ll never become any
stronger.
If someone is always there to carry us every time we have a little
trouble, what happens the one time
there isn’t anyone there? Learning to be self-reliant is an integral
part of growing up. And since I am married,
I don’t have the luxury of
dropping everything when you decide to whine about life’s injustices. Jeez
woman.
Oh baby, you know I’m not saying
you have to do everything yourself or that we can never talk on
the phone or
anything else of that sort. But my wife
is dying. Margaret is dying, and I can’t
always
be there. I’ve been trying to tell
you for quite a while that not being in constant contact with you
doesn’t mean
that I love you any less. In fact, it
makes me love you more. I love you
S-Person, more
than is humanly possible.
Each day, I am proud of you and your accomplishments you continue to
make. But the one that impresses me the
most and makes me the most proud is seeing how much you
have grown up in the short
time that I’ve known you. You have
learned not to wear masks and put
walls up between yourself and other
people. I know how difficult these
changes are, and you struggle
with being that introverted and naïve country
mouse each and every day. But you
continue to make
them, take risks, and get out of your comfort zone. You are a better person.
But please don’t let things stop
there. There are so many more things we
both have to work on.
There’s no one in
the world who should stop trying to improve himself, because no one is
perfect. As
far as I’m concerned the
best thing I can do in my life is try to become the best person I possibly
can.
From a Buddhist standpoint it is
not up to others to make us meditate or study.
We are responsible
for creating our own suffering, and it is solely up
to us to create the circumstances for our release,
thus requiring personal
wisdom and commitment. And oh S-Person
how I look forward to that
release, but we’ll save that for another time. It’s important for us to be moral in the
things we say and
do, focus our mind on being fully aware of our thoughts and
actions, and developing wisdom by
understanding the
Four Noble Truths and by developing compassion for others.
Oh
S-Person, you know how much I love you, and you know I do not want to lose
you. But right
now as it has been ever
since the first night we met online, the most important thing to me is not us
staying together. Instead, it is trying
to help you grow so you can make things better for yourself and
be compassionate
to others around you. The two of us
together have so much going for us. If
we can
help each other to be more mindful as individuals and then together,
there is nothing that could come
between us.
Every time we grow as people, it strengthens the love we share.
If you
want to stop being in contact with me that is your choice; I cannot make it for
you. If that is
your choice, please let
me know. Most of all, I hope that
whatever your choice is that you never stop
trying to improve yourself and be a
stronger person. You have what it takes
to be able to do whatever
you set your mind to.
Very few people possess what you do inside, so do not let it go to
waste. Keep
trying to develop it for the
good of everyone. And whatever your
choice may be, know that I still
love you and always will no matter what
happens, and that I don’t want to lose you if you choose to
give to me freely. Please don’t give up on us. Please don’t give up on yourself. If I have your
permission to begin, let me
show you how much I love you and that is the truth. Forever mindful of
you my silliness.
Max
