Dear S-Person Novella

April 26, 1988

     Hi S-Person,

     How is everything going?  I have definitely had better days/weeks than this myself, so I hope

things are better for you.  I’m sitting here (you guessed it, at work) at about 10:30 at night.  I’ve

been sitting here in front of two different terminals working on two different programs in two

different languages for almost four hours now.  Neither one of the programs is going worth shit,

and I’m getting more and more frustrated as time goes on.  Almost as frustrated as when I called

you the other night, and you interrupted me at least twice.  I will not tolerate interrupting Doll

Face.  You know what Daddy will do should you interrupt me again?  Anyways, writing to you is

going to be a nice little way to keep my sanity. 

     I just keep telling myself that I only have six and a half months left to go…just six and a half

months…just six and a half months…just six and a half months…I’m getting sleep…Boy am I

getting sleepy!  I think I could tell you an interesting story when I went to the bathroom upstairs.

With my pants around my ankles, jacking off  as I’m thinking of you <sorry if I’m being a little crass;

we all do it,> I noticed a piece of graffiti above the toilet in the stall.  It said:  “Acid consumes 47

times its own weight in excess reality.”  Sorry, but I just found that kind of funny. 

     Anyways, at the moment I’m sort of out of touch with reality.  My brain is getting kind of fried,

and I just don’t care.  I’m tired and weary and depressed and all I want to do is leave my fucking job

and be done with school.  I’ve been getting between seven and eight hours of sleep each night, but

I’m still tired as well.  My wife is always leering over my shoulder demanding my attention, and I’m

sick of this shit.  I wish I could have talked to you tonight.  It may have helped with my temperament

a  little.  What I need is either a twelve hour night of sleep or a good cry or both of the above. 

Somehow I don’t think I’ll get either.  So I get to play the old grin and bear it game. 

     I wish it was easier for us to make connections.  You called me Monday night, but I was gone and

didn’t get back home until 1:00 a.m.  Tonight I called you, and you were gone.  I’m guessing you had

play practice, so the earliest I’ll probably be able to talk to you is Thursday.  It’s not like I won’t be

able to survive, but I have to admit that I’m starting to get that falling feeling about you.  While I’m

trying to keep my desires in check and reduce the wanting, I really hope you have some time to talk

with me this weekend.

I’ve been having some fatalistic thoughts lately that I haven’t had for quite a while, not since before I was married.  Thoughts about how interesting it would be to die and see what happens next.  The feeling I’ve been having has been sort of a Hindu kind of thing:  I feel my soul leaving my body and flowing into the world, becoming one with the hills and trees, the cumulous clouds, and the animals in the forest.  There are no singular identities, just the world as a whole.  It’s a very peaceful vision, and at times very compelling also. 

Well S-Person, I’ll leave you with a quote from the liner notes of an album by the group Propaganda.  “Without love, beauty, and danger it would be almost easy to live.”  Cheers to a complicated world that we take one day at a time.  Looking forward to a hand job from you baby <mental image>.  Goodnight. 

                                                                                                            Max

6/21/88

     Hi S-Person,

     Surprise!  It’s me again.  After waiting this long to hear from me, now I’m writing twice in one day.  I just spent the last two hours helping Margaret get ready for the holidays.  Her lupus is in quite a funk and she is exhausted.  She is resting now, and I am wrapping presents.  Although she was able to come home from the hospital, she is not doing well.  Fluid has gathered around her heart and her kidneys are starting to fail.  Trying to keep her comfortable.  I’m done wrapping and I’m chilling on my couch and watching the Stars-Kings game on my tablet.  It would certainly make my day if the Stars were to lose this.  (I might even be forced to be happy if that happened). 

            I think one reason for my being moody lately, besides all of the obvious ones, is that I’ve been kind of tired and run down.  Getting up at 6:00 in the morning to play ball with the guys has cut down a little on my sleep, and being in the heat can really zap your energy after a while.  Sometimes it can really be surprising what a difference being tired makes.  And while I’m on the subject of my moods, I want to say thanks for being supportive on the phone last night.  I know you had had a little more than a little to drink, but nevertheless you were your giddy upbeat self that I so adore.  I know you wanted to talk longer (granted I did too), but you helped knock a little self-pity out of me, which is something I needed.  Delicious as always.  Just whatever you do S-Person, don’t change a thing.  I enjoy our meandering, overly personal, flirty, pouty, mildly embarrassing chats where your inhibitions are gone and you tell me what you like in bed.  <He says, pushing his luck.>

            Anyway, I just listened to Bruce Springsteen’s “Tunnel of Love” CD a little while ago, and I got the poetry bug in me.  My poem didn’t turn out as well as I’d hoped, but that’s okay.  I’ll write it down in a minute for you to see.  I don’t know if you’re familiar with the song “Tunnel of Love,” but it’s a view of a relationship played out through the tunnel of love at a carnival.  There’s a line right at the beginning as the couple goes into the tunnel that to me says volumes in just a few scant words:  “The lights go out and it’s just the three of us, you, me, and all that stuff we’re so scared of…”  that line, among others was the inspiration for the following little gem. 

I want you

And you want me

I thought that’s how

It was supposed to be

But we’re spending our time

By playing this game

No fingers to point

We’re both to blame

We spend too much time

Remembering when…

Both of us scared

To be hurt again

We’re fighting ourselves

And it’s all such a shame

We keep pushing away

But we both feel the same

No matter what happens

I hope in the end

We can see it all through

And you’ll still be my friend

But will it be more?

It remains to be seen

Will love become reality

Or just stay in my dream

     Okay, okay S-Person, hold your applause.  It’s kind of sing songy and while I realize it’s not

much, it’s my way of expressing what I see going on.  I like to watch remember?  Like I just shared

with you over the phone, it’s only supposed to be an observation, nothing more.  I’d like to know

your reaction to it sometime.  Not artistically, but rather your opinion as to whether I am on track or

not.  Sometime when we’re both comfortable with each other and we’re living a little nearer to each

other, I’d like to exchange some writings.  You’ve seen my writings on my blog, but I would like to

see some of the things that you’ve written to. 

            I hope that sometimes I don’t seem a little too forward or forceful when I talk to you (especially our recent late evening phone calls).  I’ve just gotten to the point where I feel comfortable being open and honest with you about my feelings.  Since I don’t feel like I have too much to hide, I’m afraid that sometimes I might come on a little too strong.  Although I am married, I’m not ashamed of my feelings, just a little unsure of how to deal with them once in a while.  Please bear with me and don’t let me scare you off if I sound too serious (There’s that word again).  And now it’s after 11:30, so I’m going to sign this off and get to bed.  6:00 a.m. rolls around awfully fast.  Thanks a lot for calling tonight.  I feel lucky that I’ve met you and am now in the process of witnessing you change your life for the better.  I have no idea if I helped you do that <I like to think I wielded some slight influence>, and I think you are making good choices.  S-Person, I’m sorry that the call had to end on kind of a down note.  I’ll try to make it up to you somehow the next time we talk.  Be thinking of how I can do just that.  Do you want to try the web cam?  Well, I look forward to talking to you next week sometime, so until then be good and think about me once in a while.                                                         

                                                                                                            
                                                                                                                        Love,

                                                                                                                        Max 

July 7, 1988

     Hi S-Person,

     And how are you feeling?  I do see a bit of flushing in your cheeks.  Hmmmmmm, I wonder what you have been up to.  Want to share?  While sorting through some boxes the other day I came across a stack of rack cards and other author swag.  I thought that maybe since you do not have any pictures of me, you might enjoy a couple of these.  So, it is of no use beating around the bush.  What you would like to do with our relationship from here is up to you.  I commend myself into your hands. 

     I want to thank you for all that you’ve done for me over the last few years; after our late night phone calls in the middle of the night, our chatting on Facebook, emails, texting, day-time phone calls, Words With Friends games, Blog following, etc. I started realizing just how important you are to me.  When I don’t hear from you, I get that pit in my stomach that makes me question if everything is okay on your end.  I think about you constantly:  what you are doing, thinking, feeling.  You have helped me to grow and also to feel some things that I haven’t felt in a very long time.  I learn more things from you and as a result of you and am challenged each time we talk.  Despite the ups and downs, I would not trade my relationship with you; I like helping you and encouraging your growth.  If you weren’t so special to me, I wouldn’t be tempted to use that word that we’re so scared of to describe my feelings about you. 

     Despite the way our conversation started last night and the awkwardness of Margaret answering the phone, it means more than I can tell you that you called.  It’s so important because it means that you trusted me enough to turn to me when you needed someone to lean on.  Now if that’s not making an incredible change and growth in a short period of time, I don’t know what is. 

     I want you to know that whatever happens to us in the future, I’ll always be there to help you if and when you need someone.  And though it sounds like such a silly empty promise, it is really true.  That’s why I’m putting it down in writing, so that if I ever forget or deny it, you can hold me to my word.  Like Brutus, I’m an honorable man, and I don’t make promises lightly. 

     S-Person, please don’t ever walk out of my life.  Just hearing you talk about it last night scared

me.  We’d both lose so much if it happened.  And I hate to think of losing someone so dear.  Keep

your head up and stay persistent, and I guarantee it will pay dividends much greater than your

investment.  I can’t prove it, so please trust me now and look back later to see that I am right.  Thank

you my dearest S-Person.  <He pulls her leg up so it is draped over his >

                                                                                                                        Kisses,


                                                                                                                        Max


July 15, 1988

     Dear S-Person,

     How’s everything?  I’m sitting here at 10:00 watching Dr. Who and fighting off the tremendous urge to call

you.  God, I am missing you terribly.  I always have trouble resisting this, but after our talk today, it’s even

harder than ever.  You really scared me with talk of going to the garage and, well you know what I’m talking

about.  I hadn’t heard from you for at least 32 hours, and I was worried.  That isn’t like you.  Maybe you are

reading a little too much Silvia Plath these days.  Just kidding.  Please know I am here for you always.  Despite

your sullenness and snotty nose and a not-the-most-opportune- of-circumstances moment, we finally crossed a 

bridge in our relationship didn’t we?  I trust you, and you trust me.  Oh well, it was only a matter of time

before our comfort levels increased.  Where do we go from here?  Well…only time will tell us that.  And as far

as that goes, you could say the next time I’m in town will be the beginning of that time (Boy, I’m so good at

twisting logic!)  I don’t know how I’ll wait that long to see you or even talk to you.  I’m  starting our list of

potential activities for the night now, and I don’t think we’ll be too bored.  No, sex isn’t one of the things on

the list…perhaps on the long-term list, but not quite yet. 

     It’s kind of like our phone call and I asked you to take off your bra.  You asked if you could take

off anything else.  Oh S-Person, our relationship is sure to include lots of firsts.  Let’s just not use

them up all in one night.  If you’re making a list too, we should be able to merge them into a pretty

fun night the next time we are able to get together. 

     I found out today at work that I’m not going to be working on the OP system after all.  I can’t

say why (hell, perhaps they found out about my soon-to-be-announced resignation), but they picked

Peter, to do it instead.  I was disappointed and upset about it when I found out this morning.  I guess I

still am even now, but I’ll have to get over it since there’s nothing I can do about it.  They haven’t

told me what my new specialty will be.  I do know that I’ll be learning Telon, which is good.  Telon

is sort of a language in itself that’s used to develop screens for the users.  I’ll explain it better

sometime in person.  T’s used extensively in the OP system, and I knew that the OP person would use

it.  This morning, my boss told me that Peter and I and Zach (the guy who has only been there for six

months) would all be going to a class to learn it.  That made me a little happier. When I found out

where the classes were I got even happier:  they’re in Denver, Colorado the first week in August.  I

get to fly on a jet and everything!  I’m probably about as excited about that as I am about anything

else.  It’ll be three days of expense account living, just like real businessmen do. 

     Tonight Margaret and I hung up some new artwork in our living room.  Can’t wait for you to

come see me.  You know our guest bedroom is always open for you.  I know that may seem a little

awkward, but I’m sure Margaret won’t mind.  You’re getting to be one of the family.  After some

interior decorating, I made a trip out to the mall and bought 50 feet of speaker wire.  Don’t laugh. 

Stop it now.  I can see you grimacing.  While at the mall, I stopped into Radio Shack and spent about

20 minutes talking to a clerk  about speakers.  I’ve decided I’m going to build a set of speakers rather

than buying a good set.  My dad was quite the cabinet maker in his day and <ahem> I hope a little of

that has rubbed off on me.  That’s another topic I know you’ve been wondering about.  I haven’t told

you a lot about my father, so we’ll have to put that on the list.  Anyway, I was doing some looking at

woofers and tweeters when the clerk asked me if I needed help.  I said no, I was just checking prices

and wattages in preparation for building speakers.  Turns out that he does the same thing himself, so

he gave me some little pointers, and we had a nice conversation.  It kept my night from being too

mundane at least.

            And speaking of boring, I’ve been so fulfilled writing to you that it’s almost midnight now.  I have to get up at 7:00 in the morning to play ball again with the guys.  S-Person, you scared me the other day with your talk of your garage.  I hope wherever we are headed from here, that you trust me and know I will always be here for you.  Believe that.  I’ll see you tomorrow.  Love and kisses.  Goodnight!

                                                                                                                                     Max  

11/1/88

     Dear S-Person,

     I just got your letter and postcard in the mail this afternoon.  No, I wouldn’t say it was a “sappy”

letter.  It was very sweet, open, and honest.  You said things in it that I suspected for a while (maybe

for about a year), but that you never really came out and said before.  It probably means more to me

than any letter I’ve gotten from you, because you let your defenses down and showed me your true

feelings.  I know how difficult that is for you to do considering our present situation.  I’ve seen you

do a lot of changing in the last year, you’ve had to, and I’ve seen you do a lot of growing up.  I’ve

told you from the beginning what a special person you are and how much you had inside to share if

you’d ever let anyone else in.   

            I was watching the Kings tonight and their loss made me literally sick to my stomach.  We’re only about halfway into the season, so despite their five-game losing streak, I have high hopes for another Stanley Cup victory.  Needing a healthy diversion from my sorrow, I spent the evening reflecting on us and when we first met.  From the moment I spoke with you online, I knew we had this special affinity.  You made me smile S-Person, and although “we” are a bit complicated, you have taken a special place in my heart.  When I flew to Chicago to meet with my publisher, I looked forward to the possibility of meeting you.  Expectations and visions of our first meeting changed a bit, when you called with the abrupt news.  Instead of meeting you at my hotel in Chicago, I drove to Janesville, Wisconsin and first met you at your husband’s funeral.  Even though it was a somber occasion, inside I couldn’t help but feel a little joy.  I know that sounds selfish, but hey, I’m being honest.  We didn’t exchange more than a dozen words, and I didn’t see what you looked like under your mourning veil, but oh S-Person I instantly was smitten with you.  I couldn’t help but notice your “beautiful legs.”  All along I always hoped I could be the one to be your special person. I did everything I could to try to get you to let me in.  I couldn’t force my way in; that would destroy everything.  All I could do was try to show you what you possessed and how much more it would be worth if you shared it.  I accepted the fact that even if I never saw the fruits of my labor, the fact that I helped you would make it all worthwhile.  Hell, I am almost old enough to be your father.  Accepting one’s mortality and the acute possibility for rejection from you was never an easy thing for me to do. But I found the strength I didn’t know I had by doing it. 

            Now the future stretches out just as dimly lit and unsure as ever in front of us, but just knowing that you have let me into your private world makes everything a little less scary.  Now no matter what happens to us, no matter how close we stay or how far we drift apart, nothing can ever take away my knowing what it feels like to wake up next to you when we love each other and have torn down all of the walls between us. 

            Please don’t ever be afraid to be yourself, and don’t ever be afraid to tell me what you feel.  It’s not sappy and it’s not stupid, it just makes me love you more.  Kissing you on your nose to say goodnight.  I love you.

                                                                                                                        Max   

11/5/88

     Dear S-Person,

     It’s about quarter to one in the morning and I just got home and felt like talking to you.  Since I

couldn’t do that, I danced around my publishing group site, flirting with my silliness.  Why is it that

you never introduce me to your students?  I feel so unloved and <sniff> unappreciated. I'm really

enjoying my new job.  Today Ozzie and I hung out at The Corner again for lunch.  He’s hooked. 

Afterwards we went to the new Huntington Central Park Sports Complex.  It’s the new state-of –the

art recreational facility featuring baseball and soccer fields, children’s play areas, food concessions,

restroom facilities, multiple parking lots, and beautiful columns and landscaping.   You would love

it! 
     As we were walking around, I noticed an amphitheater set in a shady eucalyptus grove within a

park.  Some actors were performing Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing.  I know you

mentioned Hamlet, but is Much Ado a play you teach?  Ozzie and I weren’t able to watch it all, but

we did catch some of it.  S-Person, do you think we are more like Benedick and Beatrice bantering

back and forth, witty, and disdainful of love?  Or we more like Claudio and Hero, who are rendered

practically speechless from their love for one another?  Benedick and Beatrice argue with delightful

wit, and Shakespeare develops their journey from antagonism to sincere love and affection with a

rich sense of humor and compassion.  I look forward to hearing your thoughts. 

     After watching a little Shakespeare in the Park and on our way back to our car, Ozzie and I were

listening to some music and talking about life.  I had him give me a little help on a song I’m writing;

it was one of those times when one has a chance to kind of recharge one’s spiritual batteries so to

speak.  When Ozzie dropped me off, we both had the feeling of being a little more alive. 

     What I really wanted to do after that was spend some time with you.  I wanted to slip my hand

between your legs and show you how much I missed you.  To watch you and listen to you moan with

pleasure gives me so much joy.  While I like it when you reciprocate, my cock gets hard just

watching you and hearing you get off.  I like to take my fingers and fuck you with one finger at a

time, sliding in and out of you ever so softly.  And when you are on the edge and looking at me with

your big hazel eyes, I am filled with ecstasy myself.

     I know you’re often a bit squeamish when you read my stories and those words, but  oh S-Person,

I’m feeling I’m really at my best and have a stronger sense of purpose and direction when I’m with

you.  I was so tempted to call you at about 7:00 when I got home to see if I could hop on a plane to

come see you.  I was sure at that point; however, you already had plans for the evening, so I

overcame my temptation.  With a $397.00 price on the plane ticket, that was probably a wise move. 

Margaret may have questioned the charges, and I wasn’t in the mood to argue with her. 

     I ended up spending most of my time playing cards with Ozzie and a few of the guys from work.  I

made up for the night we played over at the pool and lost, because tonight I was up $30.00.  On the

whole, I would consider it to be a very good evening, relaxing with my friends.  I just wish I could

have spent the time with you, too.  I guess I don’t have too much more to say in this letter.  I just

wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you and wish I could see you.  My “beard” (if I can

really call it that) is getting a little longer and fuller, but it still looks pretty shabby.  Being the rebel

that I am, though, I don’t really care that much.  And the song that I’m writing is something I really

want to share with you.  It’s in the early stages right now, but I can tell you that the working title is

“Walking Through Life in Another Man’s Shoes.”  It started as an outgrowth to that little poem I

started writing from the last time we were together and of my reflections on the movie Crossroads.  I

don’t know how it will turn out, but I do know that writing it is something that is important to me. 

I’ll let you know when I finish, because if it turns out right, it will be something I’ll really be proud

of.  For now, take care.  Imagine my hand between your legs and the way I feel about you.  I love

you. 

                                                                                                Love,

                                                                                                Max 

Nov. 15, 1988


     Hi S-Person,

     It's me!  It's a little after 7:00, and I just got home from Ozzie’s going-away party.  It was held at

The Corner, a restaurant and Bar in Huntington Beach.  It’s kind of customary that whenever

someone leaves, be it quitting or retirement, that they have a get together at The Corner.  I want to

take you here someday.  From the 48 hour fries and their secret sauce to the eclectic cocktails:  Dark

and Stormy, Moonshine Mohito, and Antioxidant Intoxicants, you’re sure to find something that will

delight.  What was it that you’re allergic to?  You’ll have to remind me.  Well, it was fun to see some

of the people from work and their spouses in an-other-than-work sort of setting.  For some strange

reason, though, I kept wishing I was with you.  My wife wondered what was up.  I told her I had an

upset stomach which was partly the truth, but as much as it pains me to say it S-Person, I am hooked. 

      Even after all this time, <What has it been?  Seven years already?> I’ve been keeping a little part of myself safe.  It hasn’t been intentional, but after being burned many times before and after reconciling my own celibate relationship with my wife, I’ve protected myself a little.  Again, it has not been intentional, and I haven’t held anything out on you.  I’ve been totally upfront and not hidden anything from you.  Somehow, even when I was falling for you, I managed to keep something safe though.  I can see now that maybe I’m not as scared, or maybe I can’t hide any longer.  Whatever the case, I still can’t make any promises about what will happen in the future.  Only time will tell us that.  But if you want to give this a shot with me, I’ll give it a shot with you.  Between the two of us, we might just be able to make it work. 

      I want so badly for it to be Christmas break already.  I don’t know how I can wait to see you again.  The thought of spending an entire weekend with you after so long…how will I survive?  We should have so much fun with that time together; plus, I’ll see to it that you get your Scarlet Letter essays graded and your lesson planning done.  I know I can help.  I’ve always liked to play school, that along with doctor of course. 

     I hate to go, but I have to go over to Ozzie’s house for the second part of the party.  I’ll be home from it early (being the good boy that I am) because I have to be up to play baseball tomorrow morning at 7:00 a.m.  It’s a city league that I’ll tell you more about later.  I’ll finish up after our practice.  I love you S-Person. 

     10:45 p.m.—Well, I just got home from Ozzie’s; it was fun, even though I felt out of place

without a spouse.  Margaret stayed home.  She had another lupus flare up and was extremely tired. 

Again, I got a chance to talk to some people outside the atmosphere of the corporate office:  no suits,

no ties, and no titles.  Kind of refreshing.  I’m going to bed now, and all I wish is that you were here

to make my bed a little warmer and a little less empty.  Although Margaret and I have grown closer,

we still often sleep in our Jack and Jill beds.  I feel so alone.  Somehow I’ll survive for another week

until I see you <I don’t know how, but somehow…and someday…>

       Good morning.  It’s 9:30 and I got back a little while from baseball.  I didn’t play too great, but it wasn’t terrible either.  I’m going to get in the shower soon, but first I want to tell you something that happened to me last week.  I was sitting at work Wednesday morning working with my usual Excel spreadsheets and the phone rang.  I figured that like usual when my phone rings, it would be for the guy who previously had my phone number.  Instead what I got was quite the surprise.  I answered it and it was Brianna Costello, one of  my good friend Chuck’s sisters.  She’s a doctor here in town, and she invited me over for lunch today.  Chuck and Pamela are up here for the weekend, so she thought it would be fun to surprise them and have me come over.  I’m looking forward to it; I haven’t had a chance to talk to Chuck or Pamela for quite awhile.  I’d like to know how both of them are doing. 

      So, with that slight digression, I guess I should go for now.  Margaret is at the doctor’s office, and I’m going to go shower, so I can be nice and clean for my “lunch date.”  I hope “The Messiah” goes well <or should I say went since you’ll be reading this after it’s done>.  I’m sure you knocked ‘em dead.  I’ll talk to you this week sometime to finalize our plans for next weekend.  Take care and stay healthy.  I’m thinking about you silly girl! 

Love, Max 



Jan. 9, 1989

     Dear S-Person,

     I just got back to Costa Mesa a few minutes ago and am now sitting down to write you a quick

letter before going to bed.  Margaret is resting comfortably.  I like how despite this technological age,

we are choosing to support the local post office.  We must be philatelists at heart.  All of this religion

talk lately has caused me to do a lot of thinking.  There’s no doubt that we’ve still got quite a bit of

talking to do on the subject.  However, maybe the best thing we could do would be to give it a little

rest, for a while, even if it were only for a week.  I know you are strong in your Catholic faith as am I

in Buddhist teachings, but maybe some down time will give us a chance to get our heads cleared so

we can take a fresh look at things.  This might not be the best thing, but everything is kind of jumbled

up in my head with so much happening so fast.  I need a little time to think without any pressure. 

     I’m not someone who makes a lot of promises, because sometimes they can be too hard to keep. 

But I want to make one to you right now.  It may sound kind of dumb or “mushy,” but it’s what I

feel.  If you give me the chance, I’m going to show you what love is.  Not something simple, but all

of love:  all of its power, strength, compassion, support, romance, caring, friendship, and everything

else.  I’ll show you what it means to have a true lover, even as I am still learning myself.  I won’t

hold anything back from you, and I’ll never let you settle for second best from me or yourself.  I’ll

give you something that you’ll never get from anywhere else, now or ever in the future.  The two of

us make a dynamic duo, and I want to keep proving it to you over and over.  I don’t want you to ever

forget what it feels like to be loved, and especially to be loved by me.

     S-Person, if music is my life, you are my song.  And if I make my promise, my words and actions

will keep on playing our song forever.  All you have to do is sign your name across my heart.  I love

you.                                                               

                                                                                                Max

January 22, 1989

     Dear S-Person,

     I’m sitting here at work on Sunday night trying to finish the work I’ve been doing for the last few weeks.  I’ve finally gotten the breakthrough that I’ve been looking for for a long time.  It feels so wonderful to know that I’m almost done with this shit that’s been plaguing me and making my life seem like hell.  After putting in almost 55 hours last week and almost 60 the week before that, it will feel like the albatross is off my shoulders when I get all done with this stuff tomorrow.  The pressure I have had on me has been the worst I’ve ever had in my life.  It’s worse than when I was teaching. 

     I just finished talking to you on the phone from the local Big Lots, and that’s the primary reason

I’m writing this to you.  There have been some things on both of our minds for quite some time, and

we really don’t have any choice but to get them out in the open if we want to save our relationship. 

It’s gotten down to the time where we either sink or swim; we’ve used up all our other options. 

If you want me to let you go, I’m not going to stand in your way.  I’m tired of treating you with kid gloves and being careful not to say anything that might bother you.  I write adult fiction in my spare time and flirt and talk to other women.  I’ve never not been honest with you.  I love my wife, and there are other women I love as well.  I would not describe myself as a philanderer or a gigolo, but I admire women and their beauty, on the inside and out.  I know you’re stressed at school and on the home front.  But as we have gotten to know each other, you’d have to agree that we too share a special affinity unlike any other.  Our long-distance relationship has quickly escalated.  I didn’t plan it and wasn’t expecting it; I like you more than I should.  Know that the present situation we’re in is as much your doing as it is mine.  We’ve both made the decisions that have put us here, and we both have to take responsibility for them. 

     I’m not going to baby you or pamper you about this or anything else.  Though I’m much older than you,

I’m not going to be a substitute daddy to take care of you.  My dearest S-Person, I’m going to give you support

and be beside you when you need me, but I’m not going to make myself always be there when you “want”

me.  We all have to learn to rely on our inner strength to make it through things or we’ll never become any

stronger.  If someone is always there to carry us every time we have a little trouble, what happens the one time

there isn’t anyone there?  Learning to be self-reliant is an integral part of growing up. And since I am married,

I don’t have the luxury of dropping everything when you decide to whine about life’s injustices.  Jeez

woman.   

     Oh baby, you know I’m not saying you have to do everything yourself or that we can never talk on

the phone or anything else of that sort.  But my wife is dying.  Margaret is dying, and I can’t always

be there.  I’ve been trying to tell you for quite a while that not being in constant contact with you

doesn’t mean that I love you any less.  In fact, it makes me love you more.  I love you S-Person, more

than is humanly possible.  Each day, I am proud of you and your accomplishments you continue to

make.  But the one that impresses me the most and makes me the most proud is seeing how much you

have grown up in the short time that I’ve known you.  You have learned not to wear masks and put

walls up between yourself and other people.  I know how difficult these changes are, and you struggle

with being that introverted and naïve country mouse each and every day.  But you continue to make

them, take risks, and get out of your comfort zone.  You are a better person. 
    
     But please don’t let things stop there.  There are so many more things we both have to work on. 

There’s no one in the world who should stop trying to improve himself, because no one is perfect.  As

far as I’m concerned the best thing I can do in my life is try to become the best person I possibly can. 

From a Buddhist standpoint it is not up to others to make us meditate or study.  We are responsible

for creating our own suffering, and it is solely up to us to create the circumstances for our release,

thus requiring personal wisdom and commitment.  And oh S-Person how I look forward to that

release, but we’ll save that for another time.  It’s important for us to be moral in the things we say and

do, focus our mind on being fully aware of our thoughts and actions, and developing wisdom by

understanding the Four Noble Truths and by developing compassion for others.

     Oh S-Person, you know how much I love you, and you know I do not want to lose you.  But right

now as it has been ever since the first night we met online, the most important thing to me is not us

staying together.  Instead, it is trying to help you grow so you can make things better for yourself and

be compassionate to others around you.  The two of us together have so much going for us.  If we can

help each other to be more mindful as individuals and then together, there is nothing that could come

between us.  Every time we grow as people, it strengthens the love we share. 

     If you want to stop being in contact with me that is your choice; I cannot make it for you.  If that is

your choice, please let me know.  Most of all, I hope that whatever your choice is that you never stop

trying to improve yourself and be a stronger person.  You have what it takes to be able to do whatever

you set your mind to.  Very few people possess what you do inside, so do not let it go to waste.  Keep

trying to develop it for the good of everyone.  And whatever your choice may be, know that I still

love you and always will no matter what happens, and that I don’t want to lose you if you choose to

give to me freely.  Please don’t give up on us.  Please don’t give up on yourself.  If I have your

permission to begin, let me show you how much I love you and that is the truth.  Forever mindful of

you my silliness. 

                                                                                                Max