At First Blush

I guess I'm drowning
Or am I?
Waiting to be pulled under
At any moment
Slipping from above and beyond
Behind drawn curtains
And nonexempt from
The pervasive pangs of humiliation
And defeat
Artificial ties that bind
The empty corridors echo
As my shaky legs surf
Above the ocean
Noble and agile
Balanced and innocent
No longer
The strain of till-death-do-us-part
Consumes me
The false narrative
Insisting I believe
Instead I embrace the libido-killing boredom
Unstoppable waves of
Swirling sexual frustration
Dysfunctional on all levels
Resigned to confusion
And shame
And unhappiness
Sacrificing desire for family stability?
Eroticism come to me
Emotional intimacy of isolation
Free me from the transitory coldness
You adorn
The ball and chain cloak
Around my neck
Am I drowning?
Sometimes awakenings
Can feel wet.

Up My Sleeve

It's one of those times.
None of this is pleasant.
Long and nauseating
As I face day after day
Trying to do what's best
For everyone involved
Yet failing
No longer free
Or supported
Harassed and alone
Intimidated
Exacerbated and disrespected
Personally
And professionally
Absolutely devastating
Unstable
Waning dedication
Fear
Climbing back into the hole
Like Alice
None of this makes sense. 

Sepulcher

She's dead
The blue electricity sizzling
Syncopated notes
Underneath her blouse
As she sheds her last tear.
Why doesn't the preacher tell us?
He passes the buck
Between the mortician
The coroner
The doctor
The therapist
Caught in a system
Of numbers and quotas
A long time ago
She met someone she really liked
He looked straight at her
Piercing
Probing
Returning her gaze
As if she counted
She loved him
And he loved her.
One day all of it faded
Seeing her meant nothing.
To him,  she was like all the others
His favorite subject himself
Her eyes were closed
A silhouette hanging
In the darkness
Her arched brows penetrating
The silence of the morgue
With stern cheekbones
And pierced lips
A terrible whisper stifled while
The emptiness fingered the cold walls
Like granite, imploring her to let go
Of the throbbing voice that brought
Her here within the tomb.

Dropped Eyes

We drop our eyes
At responsibility
Quickly
Forgetting
Oaths to protect
And raise
Cherishing self
Instead of her
Surrounding yourself
With pain
And addiction
Degradation
Around each corner
Poor and afraid
Beyond the mask
You wear
My bleeding smile
Rising up
To create
The legacy
That which lives after us
We create ourselves daily
Realities that are both
Paranoid
And real
Destructive planks
The whip
And the lash
Out of evil
Comes no good
Nodding like broken
Candles
Flickering
In the blackness
That is no more
Cowardly
And afraid
Indifferent once again
Unable to create
Art from cynicism.

Imperfections

Held up to the public gaze
My imperfections shouting
Back at me
Why can't you take a risk
Professionally
They're grooming you
Job descriptions handed to you
Before the public posting
Invitations to San Jose
In two fucking weeks
Conference last week
And next
We'll pay for your sub
They say
Tell us what you need
You have to act fast
5 applicants already
Submit your papers now
Everything's a blur
A rush of decisions
With no chance to reflect
Or breathe
She buckles under pressure
Succumbing to the present
The future already behind her
Asking questions
And getting only silence
Or vague generalities
She is a teacher

What If

What if tonight were the night?
It could be.
I'd get blamed for being selfish
Leaving my children
The cowardly thing to do.
But what if?
The pain would be gone
And I would be free.
The tears would dry up
My acquaintances wouldn't
Miss me
And the people who pretended
They loved me would whisper
In hushed tones
Saying she had a dysfunctional
Marriage
After a few weeks the quiet voices
Wouldn't talk anymore
The sympathy cards would stop coming
And they'd go on living
Just like they did
When I was here
Staring bleakly into the sunset
Until it was their time
To return to the earth
Let the composting begin
We all must go sometime.

In the End

I struggle today
With self-imposed
Feelings of inadequacy
Tightening around my neck
Like the scarf wrapped
Too tightly around the mannequin
In Long Beach
I don't loathe myself
Entirely
Truly blessed am I
Smiling
Laughing
Glowing
Thankful for my parents
Children
Friends
One perhaps
On the edge of thriving
Peripheral expectations
If only I could break free
Take a risk
Today is messy and uncertain
Joy thiefs lurk under
The Golden Gate Bridge
I pound my fists against
My limitations
If I surrender
I have a chance
But I'm not one for happy endings
Hope remains illusive
Overspending
Overdoing
Overperforming
Self compassion dead
Dirty laundry piling up in baskets
Beckoning me
Succumbing to the temptation
Of chaos
Death should follow soon
But I've never been the lucky one

Monitoring Manners

When you told me you loved me
I believed you
My heart sang
Songs of truth
Freedom
And affirmation
Now I'm lost again
Feeling abandoned
Undeserving
And unhappy
My dreams continue to perish
Like drops of blood
Upon the filthy rats
I'm at my wit's end
How many times did I hear it?
The nursery rhyme at my mother's feet
Summoning some power
Deep within
Changing
Prophecies  must do their bidding
So I can survive.

Never Underestimate

In the stillness of the night
After everyone is asleep--
The cicadas and frogs
Crickets and larks--
And I am alone
I think of you
And your touch
Having the power
To transform
Right before your very own eyes
And the funny thing is
You go through life
Wanting affirmation
And love almost more than me
Searching
Never quite finding what
You're looking for
Dinners and parties
Always on the go
Attracting sirens
And women
Who do everything right
You've been there
Done that
And here I am
Isolated
As no human should be
Craving a smile
A hug
A massage
A foot rub
Someone to sit next to
Hold my hand
Look into my eyes
And fall in love
And now that I'm here
I'm afraid
You're too afraid
To explore the possibilities.

Take Me Home

Permeating the River Delta
With catfish in my mouth
You slink along Eudora ' s path
Worn
Slavery
Segregation
Civil rights
Poverty
King Cotton is a sprouting
To the distinct voices
And cries
I hear the blues
In rollicking juke joints
Along that same Mississippi River
Where I was born
Collard greens
Fried okra
Neck bones
Emmet Till cries again
From the graves of injustice
There's more to come
But I'm too tired
To read Falkner tonight
We march on Saturday.

Getting Technical

Soft voices
Fluid movement
Improvisation
Devotion to you
The capstone awaits
Managing conflict
Embracing change
Anticipating love
Individualized attention
Maximizing the distance
Calmly dynamic
Our successful ensemble
Exploring all over
Imaginations
In slow motion
Becoming aware
The way you look
The way you think
The way you feel
Moving
From the death trap to you
Applications encouraged
Apply early.

Faint Smiles

Behind her closed eyes
An infinite number
Of phantasms floated
One by one
Disappearing into the arid air
He extended his arm
Embracing her curves
And stroking her back
There had been girls
Before
Women he had slept with
But she was different
Somehow
He wanted her to be happy
As he gazed in her eyes
He saw the incarnation 
Of geishas or was it Mother Theresa?
Having forgotten
Taking her in his arms
Draining her of her strength
She didn't resist
The first time they met
He had slept with her
Unlike the icky local girls
She moved with him
Hearts aligned
While her hips thrust forward
Came against him
Simultaneously
He strove to quiet himself
Reluctant to let her go
Wanting more
Falling asleep with her loose hair
Held tightly in his hand
Both breathed peacefully
With faint smiles on their lips.

Monarch Whispers

Why am I even fucking here
God seems to be wasting
A life on me
I am not living
Only surviving
Instead of thriving
Doing everything right
Minus a mistake or two
Out of the fog
Seeing clearly
The shit I can't take
Anymore
With your almost fatherly kisses
You wish to adorn me with
Hawaiian leis
Dobbing moisture on my lips
From the rim of the glass
You circle with your pointer finger
Making melodies
Where there is no saxophone
Commanding silence
As we watch the game
I used to think
You would gather me in your arms
As I collapsed onto your chest
A lifetime of weeping spent
Before you dried my cheeks
And made me laugh again
Who am I
Who are you
I am me
My self esteem looks distorted
But it is strong
Stronger than ever
And I leave you now
My wet complexion
Drenched cheeks
Bloodshot eyes
I am nothing

Ludicrous Existence

Stalking us everyday
Although we acknowledge
And accept
And weep
When we grow accustomed
To one's presence
Words
Voice
Thoughts
Laughter
Near or afar
And it swells and disappears
Sharply
Or like a balloon floating up off the white settee
Grieving begins
Takes over
Sinking us into the abysmal depths
Of depression
The hungry, dank existence
Running parallel with the Valley of Ashes
Like the River Styx
The wailing of souls
Lost
Grieving that which is still alive
Unconscionable cruelty
Misunderstood
Forsaken wench of perpetual desire
Our loved ones
Not forever
Move to pause
Daring you to see past the error
Of our ways
Trust
Embrace
Forgive
Celebrate
Your love
Give it freely
Once again
Steadfast
Eternal
Golden
Despite the loss we feel
We are among the living
And deep inside me
You shall live forever

Ephemeral Heights

Fate may set us free
Do you believe?
Set aside preconceived ideals
Opening up
To freedoms within
Catholic hypocrisies
of what is righteous
And what is a sin
True believers
That is what we are
Beyond the here
Beyond the now
Thoughts drift afar
If I reach out tonight
Extended past the chorus
And the refrain
Will this love that I can't contain
Be realized
Or will it shatter
Destroying the few things I had
Standing in the rain
Longing to be tamed
Living without
Living in doubt
Is no way to live at all
Desiring beyond
What the eyes can see
Once the restraints are loosened
Tighten the chains that hold me down
Let me be me.

Hard To Like You

You said you were falling for me
I was your British goddess
Joining you for that cup of tea
I don't know how to convince her
It's inexplicable
I don't know how to move on from here
And get over someone as notorious, arrogant,  and charismatic as you.
It isn't hard to follow you
But what is the price
Just a wartime souvenir
That's what I am to you
Leave me with my pulp fiction and lingerie
Don't know how you got the way you are
You're screwed up and talented
Looking like a dumb bloke
You and I cautiously enjoying our company
I only know I am better
Better than before
I never belonged where you are
I know that now
Fiction mistaken for reality
Distorted visions
I wake up with the sunrise between us
Thinking I need you
My heart is broken
Losing you over and over
Whenever we're not together
Life is strange
Dallas awaits.

The Horses Came

Galloping they did
Into my room last night
Staying with me
Holding
Listening
Consoling
My lips not moving
But the equine understanding
Choking on the butterscotch candy
Being bullied at school
The football quarterback I assured
My parents of his honorable intentions
Until he took the lamb away
Sitting in the empty theatre
You know I'm gay right?
Sure thing
No hesitation
He was murdered
In Lansing, Iowa
The same town my father grew up
In that trailer
Dirt poor
Just like Joey
And Megan
And their mom who was bludgeoned
To death
Silent screams
From the park
Last breath
Trotting beside me
As the kaleidoscope of banshees exited
They're really gone
Fading out for good
Hoping they don't return
It's our one year anniversary my love
Feeling feverish still
Rosemary and Thyme
All that is left
From not so long ago
Fragrant and pure
My little pet
Do not be afraid
The past behind us
I love you.

Smoldering

Shhhhh
Let you in a a little secret
The promised land
Is here
Right before us
It's been here all along
Staring at you
In jeweled mockery
Some days
Tis the secret
Digging deeper into myself
Finding out who I am
I've always been here
Smoldering
Unwavering
No longer elusive
Why was I waiting to win the lottery
Or lose the weight
Or get my ducks in a row?
Ancestral baggage follows
When you turn sixteen
You can get your license
When you're eighteen
Time to vote
Age twenty one
Time to drink baby
When do I lose my virginity
Get engaged
Marry
Have a baby
Or two
Or three
When?
The clock is ticking
Smoldering
When can I be happy?
When I'm older, if I'm good,
Christmas is coming
Maybe in your birthday
Later
We have to be patient
Well fuck patience
Fuck another passage in my life
What do I have to look forward to?
Retirement?
Death?
Cancer?
I'm good enough now
Happiness is within me
I'm happy now
And still
And sacred
At peace
Unplugging from mass consciousness
Dancing naked in the rain
Smoldering yet into tomorrow.

Spring

What do you want my pet
The taste of dominance from afar
What is it you desire from me
My authority released yet again
Tell me how you feel
Do you want to whimper for me
Beg me for your release
Feel the cat o nine tails
Whisking across your skin
Pleasuring not chastising
Or would you rather take my
affectionate offering
Hot wax dripping on your breasts
When all is said and done
And we are reunited
For the first or the last
Ecstasy will be mine to give
You will have no choice
But know in my head
I hear your voice
And serve you without restraint
I only ask
For your continued trust
As you nervously
Taste with your begging eyes
Surrendering to the sub within

Stranded

In a flood of strangers
You've longed to know me
Barging through the crowd
Up to where I stand. 

Your eyes meet mine
As mine do yours
But you're unable to reach me
There are too many people

We have each other in our sight though
Communicating without speaking words
Our tongues silent
But arms desperate to embrace

It's now raining
The rain pelts my skin
I imagine the raindrops are your hands
I hope you imagine touching my skin

Though we see each other
And feel each other
We can't swim against the current
Know I hear you

Your waves pound against my flesh
Beat against my breasts
Bruise my inner thighs
Moistening the folds of my skin

The conch shell is ready
To meet the imprint of my lips
Summoning the boys
One boy
To assert his dominance again

Oh Adam

Restless feet
And dim directions
Crying voices
Vague reflections
A family in crisis
A mother in pain
Anemic father
Children strained
If she chooses death
Her ashes remain
Memories of Eve
Won't be in vain
As she wanders the road
After her last repast
The voices whisper
They are her last
Silence and time
Have led her here
Expelled from the garden
Naked with fear
And neither the breath of the wind
Or the fire of the sun
Will animate the body
Once the soul is undone.

X, Y, and Z

Wandering alone
Over the soft earth
Of my nothingness
The one filled with quagmires and
Dutch elm disease
I utter incoherent thoughts
Cold and feverish
Once again
Waiting for the calm to crystallize
And the barriers that bind my mind
To release
Transforming the satyrs and the sadness
Slowing the anger
That devours my longing
And opening myself to love
That surrounds me
Embracing my sorrow
Wiping my tears
Keeping me alive for another
Night
Writhing in darkness
As my sanity is consumed
Over and over again
My knees scrape along the jagged rocks
The fertilized eggs
Giving birth to my fears
You hold the torch to my salvation.

Sweet Juxtaposition

Tender breathing
From the little babe
Sleeping in my bed
Whispering innocence
With each inhalation
I breathe too
Forced breaths
Shouting plagues
Of experience
Pained
A fixed mindset
Unable to grow
Or prosper
Privileged heiress
On satin sheets
With a corset
Much too tight
Immortality no longer
On my radar
Ponce de Leon's fountain of
Youth
An illusion
Bram Stoker's
Dracula
Without blood
No fresh supplies of youthful
Vitality
Instead senility
Suspicions
Paranoia
Bingo
I have a bingo
No good
Where are my pills?
I want a lion
And a lamb
We're out of lambs?
Figures.

Duplicity

You left me crying
In my bed
I was going to
Ease the pain
By eating fried okra
Or deep fried cheese curds
Until I remembered
That piercing heartburn
That left me hunched over
Clutching my chest
Gasping for air
Instead I close my eyes
Dreaming of happier days
Knowing that I will be
All right
Someday
But that someday
Looms in the distance
Taunting me still
For now
I am alone
Unhappy and afraid
Trusting no one
Not even myself

Spirit Hear Me

Hopi rain bird spirit
Hear my cries
Bring forth a life worth living
Hopi sun and cloud Kachina
I lift her fears to you
Bring her peace and days of sunshine
Hopi rain bird spirit
Thank you for your blessings
Your abundance great
All over the earth
From the turtles of the Pueblo
Isleta Pueblo rain birds too
Showering joys upon your troubled mind
The Hohokam load carrier visits
Arm in arm with the Apache
And the Sun Chiefs of the Pueblo
The water serpents swim
In ceremonial unison
While Miembres Deer eat any vegetation
They can find
The gambel quail adorn my pottery
The dinner plate where I lift my fork
Used to the way I am
Yet hard to hold back the river
Such is the paradox in which we live
Acoma Pueblo pictures comfort me
Ancient Hohokam birds fly
Some without wings
Water birds pecking for food
In the Rio Grande river
Crickets chirp
Dragonflies appear
One must always know
What one wants
Growth
I hear the Hohokam flute playing
Summoning joy
Omens are good
My soul immortal
Mythology and religion unite
Deviating from conformity
Chief Seattle I am here
"There is no death...only a change
Of worlds."
Oh great sun!
Oh great moon! 
Emissaries of my spirit.
Surely we would perish without you
Givers of life
Keepers of the night
Father Sky
Mother Earth
I bow before you
Not as idol gods
But as keepers of harmony
And balance of life
Among all kingdoms
Catfish
Grasshopper
Owl
Fish
Pigeon
Buffalo
Bear
I feel your strength
San Ildefonso water birds
Santa Domingo Pueblo goats
Aztec parrots
Miembres ram
Eagles
Your flamboyant gaze
From the heavens
Gives me strength
And fortitude on this new day
New year
Alpha
Omega
Yin
Yang
Life
Death
Inspiring me
So I may live
And give
Forgiveness
The earth red
Mingles with the black
And the white
Shaping my dreams
Hanging them on lonely clouds
Just out of reach
For if realized
All would be disappointment
And I want to go on living
At least until the end of creation.

Yesterday

I don't give a shit about
The clothes you wear
Dad's rags
Chantilly lace
Black Converse
A rhinestone cross
I love you as much as I
Loved you yesterday
Through the looking glass
I see life in me
Doing my magic
Feeling better than I have
In my entire life
Pouring out of me
The rabbit within me
Celebrating
No longer dating a ghost
Or gazing at the green light
At the end of the dock
That one in fiction
Can't lose her again
The ventilator breathes
Though it's my fight
Teddy has been ripped away
It needs to be over
Though I'm still here
Looking back at me
Dancing between arrivals
Departures
Standbys
Promising you we'll move
In the same direction
Inconvenient to have
Fallen in love
Torn in half
The beauty of life
Winning
And losing
The time has come
To discover
Where I belong