Games Men Play

Can't sleep
My refrigerator hums loudly
There is silence
For a while
Until the bedroom door opens
And closes quietly
A few moments later he comes in
To where I am
By the computer
Let the damn dog out he slurs
His speech left of center
It's 2:21 and Millie is still up
Waiting for me to join her
On the bed
Where she'll curl up
Behind my knees
Safe and warm
While he
The stranger beside me
Snores
Later when I'm still awake
Staring at the ceiling fan
I'll hear him get up
Piss in the toilet
And come back to bed
If I'm lucky he'll leave me alone
For another night
For another few hours
I'll be safe
Strictly speaking
I'll never tell the truth
Both he and Anthony
Move around like chessmen
Keeping me in between them
One of them is always blocking me
From the stairs
Checkmate.

Blowing out the Candles

Looking back, I can see where some would say, "Dude, that's weird," but for us we knew we were meant to be together, till death do us part, in sickness and in health.  We didn't overthink it.  I met my husband when I was just eighteen.  He was 43.  It was 1974.  I was wild.  On our first date I asked Ron how he felt about swinging.  He was by no means receptive.   Just a month later he was banging Heidi in the back of our Ford...Heidi ' s girlfriend wasn't all that desirable to me, but I knew for Ron seeing me with Shannon really made his pants tight.  Ron and I had this no touch understanding between us.  When he was with Heidi I could watch but I couldn't join in.  And when I was with Shannon, he wasn't allowed to touch either of us.  While I won't be graphic in my descriptions I'll just say while Shannon and I were licking each other's pussies, Ron would lay on the bed with us and stroke his own cock.   That really turned me on and then Shannon would put the dildo between my legs and pound it until my crotch was ready to rip open.  If she got tired, I would rub my clit raw in ecstasy and moan as Ron stroked his own penis and came.  He would shout out my name or Shannon ' s and his cock would go limp soon after. Nervously with a hint of embarrassment,  Ron would zip his semen-soaked pants, get up without saying anything, and head down to the basement bathroom.  Seconds later,  I'd hear the hum of the washing machine as Ron washed his stained underwear in the big machine.  Our swinging ritual became pretty routine. I liked dressing up in sexy lingerie I wouldn't normally wear in public.  Ron had a little OCD so he'd fuck Heidi on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.  On Mondays,  Wednesdays, and Fridays I got to romp with Shannon.  On Fridays, Ron would put a football game on in the living room and synch the game with my fucking with Shannon.  I'm not a big sports fan but I just did what he told me.  He made Shannon and I each pick a team.  Each time my team scored, I had to go down on Shannon.  Each time her team scored she had to go down on me.  If the game was tied, well that's a whole other story.  Ron and I went on with this arrangement for quite a few years.  Feeling pretty secure in my relationship and having that adventurous spirit spiced up our marriage.  I felt desired and confident,  that is until one Tuesday when he was fucking Heidi.  As I was watching, I noticed a look in his eyes.  It was a look I hadn't noticed before.  He was falling for her.  I didn't say anything during that very moment,  but the next time Ron and I were intimate I couldn't continue.  Call me the queen of bad timing, but I looked at him and told him I couldn't do it anymore.  He was angry and wondered why I had suggested it in the first place.  Mind you we had been swinging for three four years.  Though he was disappointed,  he agreed to end our swinging predilections.   Weeks went by and our marriage was obviously strained.  Without fucking Heidi on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays and without me romping on Mondays, Wednesdays,  and Fridays, Ron and I had a lot of time on our hands, time with each other.  He was in a constant slump, making no more than small talk with me.  He was distant;  I was angry and felt betrayed with the indelible impression of of my life partner connecting to another woman.  I was jealous and becoming more insecure as the days passed.   So as the old cliche goes, I took matters into my own hands.  I invited Heidi out to lunch and shared with her my intentions for resuming our swinging.   Ron was out of town visiting his sister in Iowa, so when Tuesday rolled around Heidi came over as usual. I took her coat, offered the bitch some brandy, and stabbed her right then and there.  She didn't see it coming. When Wednesday came, Shannon popped over.  I told her we wanted to spice things up so I blindfolded her before she enteted my apartment.  Not wanting to waste a good fuck, I led Shannon past Heidi's bludgeoned corpse into the bedroom.  Since we have a no touch policy she wasn't even aware that Ron wasn't there.  We fucked each for a long time.  I loved feeling her tender flesh against mine.  Her tongue did amazing things, licking every inch of my body and sending me into perpetual orgasms.  She would blow into my mouth and on my face until I couldn't take it any more.  Laying in a tousled  heap on the bed, our bodies sticky with cum, I got the already- bloody knife out of the nightstand drawer and killed her.  Sanguinary visions danced on the ceiling.   I guess looking back swinging wasn't for me.  I got too jealous and it ruined my relationship with Ron.  When Ron came home he must have been in shock seeing three hacked- up women.  The police didn't come for a while.  Ron was how shall we say...preoccupied.  He didn't go to work that week.  You see when Ron and I got married he had a fetish I abhorred,  never could quite get my mind around it so he suppressed it while we were together. We would have celebrated Ron's birthday next week.  Happy birthday baby.  A little necro... at last.  This is what you've been waiting for.  I love you.  Perhaps insecurity has it perks.  Although I'm gone, I'm looking at us with fresh eyes.  I always loved you babe.  Happy birthday. 

Peripheral Neropathy

Indelible mark I say-
But not quite in that poignant way.
The way I imagined very dear-
Fantasizing that you were near.
Holding you close as friends do-
Stroking my hair and getting me through.
It's the married part that helps define-
That which is yours and that which is mine.
Strangers online connecting hearts-
Both parties giving each other
respite from the dark.
Like a savior you came when I needed you the most-
And now circumstantially crucified
With sins and nothing to boast.

My hands they tingle now as do my feet-

Burning damage and pain not obsolete.

I guess I learned my lesson
Lots of them in fact-
It's unfortunate though
Because there's no going back.
I too miss the friendship; I miss it the most-
The other "sexy" stuff dissipates
Like Nina Dousman's burning hair
The Villa Louis ghost.
I saw her once from the front parlor window
Her hair on fire
Bright flaming and red-
But as one knows appearances can
Deceiving
And for all intents and purposes
The neuropathy signals I must be dead.

Wake Up Goblin

Snow is melting here,
Turning to grey slush.
But the theatre scene is vibrant
Kitschy musical ambience
Flooding the auditorium with
Notes from "You Make me feel like a natural woman."
From the terrace window
Looking in
There is a lone woman
And a lone man
Sitting at the kitchen table
With a plate of cold chicken
Between them
Together but apart
With a roller coaster
Of experiences and interactions
And miscommunication--
Impatience and prejudices
Around them too
They did share a child
One child
Who possessed the inclination to
Grow up as a fool
Her mother's distorted wish
I waited outside
Among the shadows until I was sure
She was safe
If he found out,
Tom would be mad
I needed to protect her
If need be
I was willing to wait all night.

Sara Smiles

Relishing sunlight
On my skin
If only for a moment
Today is a good day
And you
Oh sweet friend
Helped if only a little
Is it wrong for me to have hope?
Hope for a friendship
Stronger than before
Afraid to open my heart
And unbutton my blouse
One button at a time
Breaking free from a winter
Of below - average temperatures
Forecasters call for a considerable
Amount of wind
Enough to tousel my hair
I do live in Wisconsin you know
Mercury remains frozen
At least for now
Dipping
Below his belt
With warming trends unlikely
I won't go there again
Blowing on your denim pants
As you drive through the desert
Idling down to 40
And adjusting my carburetor
This year the cold air
Ended up here in Wisconsin
Iowa too
When normally it would end up in Siberia
Will we ever break free from the
Wintry mix
Swirling around us
Us in the fog
That's a funny word
Us
Fog is funny too
I giggle
Taking life with a grain of salt
Being patient
Guarded
My blouse stays buttoned now
Would it have then?
Mother Nature can be cruel
Air from the Arctic flows in
Reaching this far south
The sun penetrates my skin
It feels right
This crush as you call it
Relatively warmer today
Enjoying the sun
And the fog
And thoughts of us
Rekindled
Chance of an early spring.  

  

Independence

I grope around the floor
Looking for something
The key that I dropped
Perhaps or the pillow from the settee
Can't find
Frustrated
In a rage
Throwing things around the room
Fortunately the unbreakables
This time
Anthony hovers over me

Eccentric looking, white pants, brown leather belt

Tousled hair and glasses

He brandishes a small leather notebook

Upon which he writes

Takes notes

As I unable to see

Continue to grope in the darkness

I hear the rustling of a newspaper

Headlines detail a murder

In Greenwich Village

Anthony shuffles

Towards the Venetian blinds

Looking out across the street

There's a police car in the distance

Watching the house

I am scared

I wish I could have told him about my husband

That he was abusing me

But I didn't want to play the victim

And get any sympathy from you

He hurt me

And now that you've cut me out of your life

It's too late for that

I got to know you very well

In a short amount of time

And you have hurt me more than he

Waiting just outside

Waiting all day

I am frightened

And you don't fucking give a damn

I sprinkle the gasoline at the top of the stairs,

And around the bedroom

Things are dark now

And I wait to take the matches out of my cardigan pocket. 

 

Pushing and Pulling

He's up close
Supporting me
Every step of the way
Even when I haven't eaten
For thirty six hours
And my bubbly personality and
Optimistic outlook has diminished
Difficult imagining Eliza
Experiencing any pain
But now the pain rules her life
With the prospect of being normal,
Just out of reach. 
Forced to persevere this weekend
On stage
When all she feels like doing is sobbing
Chronic pain in her heart
Because intent was misconstrued
He stood there silent
Facing his wife saying nothing
With his tail between his legs
While she blames herself
Wanting to give up
And not work through the pain
The road to recovery isn't possible
Not now
Perhaps when their marriage has healed
And she forgives me for the intent that wasn't there
And she can feel safe
And whole
And know we would not have crossed the line
Maybe then after time
We can repair our friendship
Until forgiveness comes
I have no choice
As she does all the talking
Silenced again
Neutered
Until then I hope I don't shut the garage door
With the car running
Until then you will have to breathe for me
Pushing me when I need to be pushed
And pulling me when I need to be pulled along
Holding you and squeezing your hand
Until then I weep
At my desk, in my bed, behind closed doors
Pretending not to be in pain
Lesley held me yesterday
And I sobbed in her arms
Unable to explain why
She rubbed my leg and said I would be okay
Until then I'll punish myself
For intent that wasn't intent
Misconstrued, misunderstood.
It is my fault
And there are no second chances when perceptions
Threaten a marriage
I only wish he was a man
With integrity
And a voice who could have a solid relationship with his spouse
And have me as a friend
But I came along a year ago
Not being a part of his past
Only his present
And now because I have crossed the line
There is no future
No friendship
The Arizona landscape calls to me
I'll enjoy the sunsets on my own
And the saguaro cacti
Hoping to dry up in the desert
Desert Fury
Desert Pain
Desert Love
Desert Misunderstanding

 

Bible Study

I want to do right Daddy
Guilty though I am
Ten years in prison
My sentence
Assault
Jail
Extended supervision too
Three counts
And a felony
I know what I did was wrong
Enticing the young things
I met at the Baptist Church
Touching the preteen girls
Once or twice a week
Charming them
In their homes
At Camp Joy
Or in the back of church
During Bible study
Some say I am cunning
And manipulative
A liar at heart
You may look at me
And say I deceived you
Masquerading as a man of God
Me?  What about me you ask?
The other first person in this narrative. 
I look at you and know the toll
Will play out for many years to come
It's only been fifteen days now
When you write you say I'm pretty
Or cute or adorable
I cringe because when I look
In the mirror I see you in my reflection
Apologizing for what you did
Accepting your actions as wrong
Facing the consequences
Whatever they may be
Remorseful and regretful
And behind bars
Me? I'm left messed up
No healing comes from exclusion. 

Wash Over Me

This is the last poem
I'll write
At least for a while
You see I was picking
Rosemary and thyme from
Outside
Out back in
Shakespeare's garden
And I tripped
And fell
Into the pond
The one running lengthwise
Across our property
The one with the goldfish
And the frogs like I heard in Portland
This summer
Hit my head
Unconscious
Like Ophelia dead
Gone
I know you'll miss me
But you never bothered to tell me
While I was alive at least
I've had an accident
Don't you see? 
So may you all. 

Empty Prayers

Show me how to reach
The unreachable
Forgiveness
Only possible
Someday
Oh God
Show me how
Tired of saying
Empty prayers
I refuse
To doubt myself anymore
My soul empty
Ready to heal
Can't depend on you
Chasing dreams
That aren't there
Like catching wind
In a net
Damn Madge de Lasac
I am alone

Can't do this anymore

Tears of the faithful.  

Leper

This is what it feels like
To be held
After you have been ripped away
Putting regret aside
The best I can be
Believing in you
Believing in me
Being set free
No longer defined
By the debris we leave behind
Can't stop weeping
You loved me

I loved you

I do love you now
Put the lust aside
It is fleeting
We both have strayed
And the truth became hard to see
I'm sorry for dividing your heart
And mine
Let's reach with open hearts
Open doors
I don't want to sin any more.
Please be my friend

When you're ready

When we are both ready

When we are standing on firmer ground

Someday

Unless I'm dead.

Mortality

Show me mercy
Show me peace
Show me love
Show me compassion
Bring the dead to light
Do whatever it takes
To forgive me
Rewrite the story
The story of reality
I was lost in some other story
As a grown woman
One would have thought
I knew the difference between
Reality and fantasy
Shoulding myself every moment
As I eat or don't eat
As I wake or as I sleep
Drowning in a sea of illusion
Shouting hallelujahs from the rooftop
I wish
Trying not to feel the pain
My pain
Though it's not about me
Happy for your family's health and happiness
I am happy knowing you
To have known you
If only for ten months
And now
I stand before you
Broken
Barely breathing
Praying for forgiveness every day
Denial
Isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Acceptance

Raise Your Skirt

 

Happening to catch ourselves both single
We had waited 35 years
Unable to act
Not acting
Yet silently undressing each other
Over the years
Focusing on our friendship
Never crossing the line
Respecting self
Honoring spouses and children
Helping each other guide our actions
Always filled with moral rectitude
But wanting to be touched by the other
Somewhere in our subconscious perhaps
With necessity at the mast
Our repressed intentions kept in tact
Hidden
And now
A chance to be free
First my blouse
Unbuttoning it one button at a time

Your fetish and mine
I giggle
As you look into my eyes
I have waited for a lifetime
Literally
To feel your hands brushing
Against my chest
You are tender yet primal
I hesitate to use the word pussy
But at this very moment
It seems appropriate
My pussy is wet
Dripping
So excited to meet your acquaintance
I shift my stance from one foot
To the next
Never knew I could writhe while standing up
With your eyes you ask me if I'll raise
My skirt
With my eyes I tell you it's okay
To slip your fingers into me
And receive a little gift
I've waited so long to give
I am yours.

Spending My Time

 

Right now I'm using my left hand
With my right I touch my right breast
Gently stroking and pinching the corresponding nipple
As I rub my clit with my left I pick up the pace rubbing my clit fast and in circles with a slight arch in my back as I come way too early
Pulsating
Rubbing my right nipple again
Through my gray tshirt
I am on the edge
I picture you inserting one finger
Eventually two
But for today it's my clit all the way
My hips rise off the bed
The kids are busy getting breakfast
I hope the door does not open
Oh God
Fuck me
Ah
I picture you grabbing my ass
And at this thought I explode
Dripping, pulsating, throbbing
Hunk of womanhood
That I am
You need to fuck me
Today is Valentine's Day after all

Perhaps for St. Patrick's Day

I'll let you take me on my desk at school

That is if we're talking by then.

Coming Dear

Yes
Yes
Oh yes
Uhhh, Uhhh
Oh
Oh
Oh
Fuck me
Make me come
Uhhh
Uhhh
Oh
Oh
Yes
Yes
Oh
Ahh ahhh
Yes
Yes
Ummmmmmm
You were so good
And on my birthday even
Thank you.

Used on Craigslist

 

 

I'm just a dot;
A useless dot upon the floor
A dust bunny beneath the table
Under the foot stools you bought
on Craig's List
Gently used
Full of hair
And urine from the other family's dog
Baxter was his name I think
These stools frequent your living room
Just as I used to frequent your heart
The heart you took advantage of
Robbing me of my youth
My innocence
My small-town girl charm
I guess in a way, in a big way
I let you down too
Acquiescing to your persuasion
Leaning in a bit too much in my
Low-cut bathing suit
Wanting your attention
Your love
Your friendship
When what I was looking for
Needed to come within
My serendipitous soul
I still hurt
As do you
And your wife
I believe healing will come
I am hopeful
That's all I have left
Oh intangible hope
I long to hold you
And touch your scars
Weep in your arms
Rekindle our love
That is one of friendhip
And tell you how sorry I am
For letting myself
Fall
For
You

Painted Lady

I need you now
Please stay right beside me
Crying out
Feeling desperate
Alienated
Want to curl up on the couch
Next to you and your wife
You don't have to talk
Just reach out your hand--
One maybe two
Teach me how to knit
Or crochet
Let me play Suduko
Or struggle through a crossword puzzle
Throw a Bible in my lap
Or gently place it there
Genesis
Exodus
Leviticus
Numbers
Deuteronomy
Joshua
Judges
Ruth
Samuel 1
Samuel 2
I don't remember the rest
But it's my fault
I blame myself
For letting fantasies swirl
Around in my head
And today was such a good day
I heard you smile
And laugh
And tell me you loved me
I must have been hearing things
Listening more closely it was you--
Sobbing
Feeling angry, cheated, and betrayed
"A fucking whore" you scream
Yeah that's me all right
I turned 19 and didn't even know
How to insert a tampon
The diagram looked like I should
Put it in the side of my body
Fucking whore I am
Waited until I was married before having sex
Fucking whore I am
Just call me Jezebel
Throw me out of your house
Before you can forgive
And let wild dogs tear at my flesh
I am a whore abandoned by
Everyone including God
Still screaming
"I am a bloody fucking whore"
As I illuminate my transgressions
For all to see
Crying
Sobbing
Imploring
It's too late my friend
Just let me put on my lipstick
Before I die.

The Noose

Feeling like it's hopeless
The girl who lost a friendship
A wife who lost the trust in him
A husband who lost me
Whatever I had to offer
Just wanting friendship

But that option has been stripped

From me.
I want to believe
That none of this is worth dying for
But the rope may hang this week
I stand here with fears and failures.
I gotta believe
My soul will stop wandering
On and on and on it goes
I never have to be afraid
Now
Now that he is gone
The knot tightens.
Suffocation sets in.
Gasping for air
I cannot breathe
I have given up thinking of him

Though you may call me a hypocrite.

In some distant place
Why have you left me?
I sleep now. 
I am alone
Like I've always been.

Cruel Fate

Hope lost
Fate challenged
Holding on to you and me
Purpose
Meaning
Trust in Him
Though I am shaken
Broken
Ruined
Always with me
I can't see you
Still afraid
Does He know what He is doing?
Never going to leave
Take my hand
Be with me
Can't understand
Each new day is worse
Than the last
And it's only been five days.

Redemption

Despite a packed house
And laughter at my lines
My soul feels crushed
Heart is frail
What did I do wrong
In her eyes?
Can I have a second chance?
Please may I have a second chance?
My intentions are pure
Like the glistening snow
Beneath my window
I long for that opportunity
And will not disappoint
With a stranger such as he
Perhaps he did not communicate
That which crossed the line
Now that I know
Or I guess I can surmise
That which you need
I can be the righteous one
If he should feel weak
I can be the righteous one should he be tempted
Please take responsibility
And fight for our friendship,
Once you are able to
A friendship
I don't know if it will ever be possible
It will need to be repaired on so many levels
One with clear boundaries
Let me know redemption
Lost my will to fight
I don't think it's the Spotted Cow within me
I am yours.  I pray that I am not among the wicked
I question my morality each day
Tonight Job and I spent some time
Together
Let me be reborn
In thine image 
The Lord watcheth over me
If the path of destruction is far away,
Why is the annihilation so near?

Spoon Me

You spoon me
While we both try to pretend
You don't have a hard on
Pressed right against my ass
Insert desperate cuddle buddy
Time here
Five seconds 
And then bang me please.

Quaff My Love



Soon now
It will be over
Come on now
Pull the trigger
Oh happy trigger
And if you can't
Find yourself
To do it
Here are the pills
Go on now
Take some
Not one
What are you
Waiting for
It's 3:00 a.m.
Last night
It was the light pole
Ramming with the car
Just step on the gas baby
Instead you thought about it
Pulled over in the church lot
And found religion
At least for a little while
To save you
I'll get you
Don't try to hide
For now
I pinch your nipples
And insert one finger
Then two
Rubbing your clit
Until you're on the edge
Begging me to enter
I spread your legs wide
Though I have forgotten the restraints
Pulling the sheets down
To look at you
You beg me to unbuckle
My belt
Unzip my pants
Pull my cock out
Taking turns
Fingering you
And stroking myself
I forbid you from touching yourself
Not just now
But for the rest of your life
Self flagellation
Like King Henry did
After Becket died
I dangle my cock up your body
Naked ready to come
To your lips
Sucking you
Quenching my thirst
I laugh letting you in on
The little secret
Pineapple does make semen
Sweeter
If only I had known.
That's the pattern here.
If only I had known. 
With my rosary out
And my Bible wet with tears
I find little comfort in Genesis tonight
"God saw all he had made, and behold
It was very good."
Instead I keep on sinning
What's the fucking use
Maybe tomorrow I'll try Psalms
Nevermind
I skip to Revelation
And slip into my purple neglige
Whore of Babylon
My whore
My lover
Fornication is filthy
As is betrayal
He's no good for you
You always said
And after time passed
I fell for you
I trusted you
And believed you
Laughed with you
Cried with you
So cheers to you
I die because of you.

  

Whose Pussy is It?

 

 

Two days without Words With
Friends ha
I tremble when I hear
That
Word.
Shuffle.
Start a new game.
Play.
Reboot.
Nudge.
I'll always have the low score.
His little minx.
The one in the black dress
Now
With blood splattered
On the walls,
The carpet will have to be changed.
Painters will be there tomorrow.
Police tape prevents you from entering
Your own house
Her pussy
She found the loaded gun
In the back of the closet
You were at the cafe
Having your hot chocolate
Without whipped cream
My cherry, I remember and smile
A drizzle of chocolate syrup
On my body
Pleasuring me
Now  it's opening night
There is nothing to celebrate
Margaret on stage
You used to call me
Sara
Eliza
Polly
Anna
Doolittle
Now
Her maiden head remains intact
It's tragic all right
You might as well nibble on
My ear and call me Juliet
Or Ingrid
Or Alicia
I don't know who I am anymore
Send me the bill
Might as well pay some more
I long to nudge you
From the grave
And mingle with your spirit
But I respect the living
As I always have
Pass
I am cold Devlin.
Sepulchers are cold. 
Annabel Lee was right. 

  

Raising the Blinds

 

 

They argued a lot
Quietly disliking one another
At first quietly
In the bedroom
Behind closed doors
But the fights escalated
Mom would yell and storm into the hallway slamming the door behind her
Dad never yelled back
He stayed silent
As if there was no point in trying to fix it anymore
On a rare occasion he would
Raise his brows at his wife
As she interrupted again
He was selfish that way
A seemingly prolific writer with
No patience for other people
Especially woman
Just wanted to fuck them
Getting off once again
Shaking the semen
From his once-erect penis
His cock temporarily satisfied
From the vaginal wetness of the
Newest slut he laid eyes upon
One day the marriage exploded
My sister was away in England,  married now and my brother off at college
But I heard mom.
She would spend long nights crying in her room
Dad moved into the basement and no longer ate meals with us
Both hired lawyers
Money problems became apparent
And it was difficult to make ends meet. 
Eventually Dad moved out and started
Dating a woman from Wisconsin
She was twenty years younger than him
Which put Mom over the edge
Like me she was angry and sad--feeling betrayed
I was confused
Not knowing what to do or how to help
I scrunched myself so I was small and indiscreet
Thinking if I don't do anything wrong, maybe they will keep loving me
Now invisible
Keep smiling
Alone in my room
Listening to The Beatles and playing "Hey Jude" until it couldn't be played anymore
On my scratched cd
Most of all
I wanted someone to talk to
I felt empty
Confused
Lost and forgotten
Amidst the monsoon of their divorce
For a while I saw glimmers of hope
Now away at college myself
On my own
Meeting new friends
Decorating my dorm room
Talking about biomedicine and related ethics, literature, art, and philosophy
But still part of me was sad
I missed my folks
I missed high school
But most of all I missed feeling
Important
It had been a lonely year
That is until I met Johnny
At first we would go to parties together
And hang out with friends
Soon we were sequestered
In his apartment
With the shades drawn
I'm falling for you he said
All I want is you.
Without noticing,
My grades started to slip
We became inseparable
Neglecting school
Eating every meal together
Cacooned in his arms
Oblivious to student loans
Or grade point averages
I was consumed by the moment
Didn't I deserve his attention?
Johnny didn't care if I flunked out
If i suggested I needed to study
Or wanted to spend the night apart
He became angry
I hid my failing grades from my mother
Deep down I wanted to be rescued
Johnny became cold if I wanted to study
He wasn't content to be alone
Without me
I wanted to believe I loved him
But what did i know about love?
I am all grown up now.
Looking back, I realize that sometimes it takes an earthquake to wake someone up. 
I got the earthquake then, and I tremble because I have it now.
Back then, I remember standing in Johnny's living room, with the shades drawn as usual
The past came crashing in
I was pregnant
Johnny suggested we get married
He thought we could buy a little house somewhere eventually
I buried my head on his shoulder,
Closed my eyes tightly, and wished I could stay in this room forever
Where there were no consequences
Or complexity
Only promises of being in love
Doug I never told you this and I'm telling you now
The noir story, the one where I went off to California...I had an abortion when I
I was eighteen.
I don't blame Johnny
He loved me best when I was isolated
And helpless
And now almost twenty six years later
I cry because a second earthquake has hit
Didn't see it coming on the richtor scale
I decided to move out for a while
After she received my explicit messages
I knew like back then I had mixed emotions
It was time to say goodbye to the friend
Who wasn't honest with his wife
No more hiding
No more depression
Time to make a commitment to myself
As I reflect on my past, I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant
But I remain grateful for the lessons I learned
Today, I wish I hadn't crossed the line I didn't know existed.  
I don't blame anyone other than myself.
Ultimately I choose the direction of my life.  My choices have consequences
Not just for today
But for many years to come.
Cacooned in the Chrysalis in Johnny's apartment
With the blinds closed
This is the part of the true noir story
I had managed to forget for a while. 
It is a lesson I won't ever forget again. 

  

Dotted Line

Going to be brighter days
Keep my head up
Hard to understand
And accept
But I have no choice
It's out of my hands
And he's a sorry son of a bitch
Who promised me I had not
Crossed the line
And that we'd be friends
Forever
Until death separated one of us
And even then we'd still be united
If this is what it feels like when you're dead
I don't want it
Cut me lose before I collapse.
If I were to meet you in person
I'd slap you
Until you grabbed me
Pinned my arms behind my back
And made love to me
But life ain't like a noir
With open doors and rainy landscapes
In real life people get hurt
And in my head I pictured fucking you
I don't blame you
Thank you for some beautiful conversations
And for the chance to discover what I needed to know
While at times I fantasized about you making love to me
I know you'd always be a gentleman
And by the time you felt you knew me enough to try
I knew you well enough to know I didn't want you to.
I respect myself, you, and your spouse.
Is that cruel?
You're a fucking basted
And I will always love you. 
Please forgive me Leslie. 

The Death of Me

 

Tomorrow would have been my birthday
29 again
No really, I would have been 44
But there will be no celebrating
Instead of birthday cake and
Mom blowing out the candles
My kids will lose their mom
They've lost her already
Grace auditioned for a play tonight
I'm so proud of her
Growing up into a beautiful young woman
Classy, earthy, giving
Not afraid to laugh that big laugh she's
Had since the day she was born
Miles got a Google Chrome book this week
He's been glued to it ever since
The kid has had it rough
After you cut me off he came
Down with pink eye
And then pneumonia
But he's resilient
Heart surgery at seven months with more in the future;  he doesn't have a choice
Sure he could stop fighting
Like his mom
And then Isaac
My artist and baker
Who still sleeps with me each night
Not a little boy any more
He will be a man someday
I hope he loves language as much as you do, and hot chocolate,  and his wife's lemonade. 
I hope he reads the newspaper, books, photography,  and learns to like poetry
My husband he's a good man
Works hard
Shows his love by providing for the family
Acts of service
And you with those dark eyes
And that voice that reminds me of my father's voice,
Please know that you're a good man
And you're human , but you love your wife and your family
I'm sorry
I did not mean to hinder that
And hurt
Tomorrow have a piece of cake for me
Know that someday after I have left
We'll reconnect
And you'll sprinkle my ashes over Lake Powell, the Colorado River, or some other God forsaken land
You and your scorpion goggles
Don't worry I won't mail them in an
envelope labeled handle with care
Know that I wanted to reach out
But I was done being selfish
It's not my place
It never was
Again,  I can't reiterate enough how wrong I was
And how repentant I am
V we never know when our time is up
We must love and forgive
I love you (platonically of course).
I'm blowing out the candles. 
Pfffffft.
I'm sorry.  

  

Alkie

 

 

An enigma
Unable to be understood
Walking the streets, hands in pocket
Pushing his cart full of six packs
Home
Speculative jobs here and there
Shoveling the walk for Betty
Mowing the lawn for Pete
Trimming hedges
Tinkering with the mower
Always willing to lend a hand
Out again
On a run
To the grocery store
down the street
I worry that tomorrow he'll end up
In the gutter
Like Edgar Allan Poe did
Clothes reeking of last night
Dark
Dank
Melancholy
His name is Tony. 

Egotistical

 

Watch me
Study me
Move with me
Chase me
Hunt me
Trick me
Catch me
Coax me
Tease me
Make me love you
Finger me
Toy with me
Play with me
Reveal to me
Dream with me
Dominate me
Submit to me
Pleasure me
Eat me
Lick me
Tickle me
Spank me
Spread me
Fuck me
Tantalize me
Taste me
Tie me
Blindfold me
Kiss me
Caress me
Stroke me
Enter me
Make love to me
Scratch me
Laugh with me
Sing to me
Read to me
Get wet with me
Fly with me
Ride with me
Drink with me
Hold me
Look at me
See me for who I am
Please don't hurt me.