They argued a lot
Quietly disliking one another
At first quietly
In the bedroom
Behind closed doors
But the fights escalated
Mom would yell and storm into the hallway slamming the door behind her
Dad never yelled back
He stayed silent
As if there was no point in trying to fix it anymore
On a rare occasion he would
Raise his brows at his wife
As she interrupted again
He was selfish that way
A seemingly prolific writer with
No patience for other people
Especially woman
Just wanted to fuck them
Getting off once again
Shaking the semen
From his once-erect penis
His cock temporarily satisfied
From the vaginal wetness of the
Newest slut he laid eyes upon
One day the marriage exploded
My sister was away in England, married now and my brother off at college
But I heard mom.
She would spend long nights crying in her room
Dad moved into the basement and no longer ate meals with us
Both hired lawyers
Money problems became apparent
And it was difficult to make ends meet.
Eventually Dad moved out and started
Dating a woman from Wisconsin
She was twenty years younger than him
Which put Mom over the edge
Like me she was angry and sad--feeling betrayed
I was confused
Not knowing what to do or how to help
I scrunched myself so I was small and indiscreet
Thinking if I don't do anything wrong, maybe they will keep loving me
Now invisible
Keep smiling
Alone in my room
Listening to The Beatles and playing "Hey Jude" until it couldn't be played anymore
On my scratched cd
Most of all
I wanted someone to talk to
I felt empty
Confused
Lost and forgotten
Amidst the monsoon of their divorce
For a while I saw glimmers of hope
Now away at college myself
On my own
Meeting new friends
Decorating my dorm room
Talking about biomedicine and related ethics, literature, art, and philosophy
But still part of me was sad
I missed my folks
I missed high school
But most of all I missed feeling
Important
It had been a lonely year
That is until I met Johnny
At first we would go to parties together
And hang out with friends
Soon we were sequestered
In his apartment
With the shades drawn
I'm falling for you he said
All I want is you.
Without noticing,
My grades started to slip
We became inseparable
Neglecting school
Eating every meal together
Cacooned in his arms
Oblivious to student loans
Or grade point averages
I was consumed by the moment
Didn't I deserve his attention?
Johnny didn't care if I flunked out
If i suggested I needed to study
Or wanted to spend the night apart
He became angry
I hid my failing grades from my mother
Deep down I wanted to be rescued
Johnny became cold if I wanted to study
He wasn't content to be alone
Without me
I wanted to believe I loved him
But what did i know about love?
I am all grown up now.
Looking back, I realize that sometimes it takes an earthquake to wake someone up.
I got the earthquake then, and I tremble because I have it now.
Back then, I remember standing in Johnny's living room, with the shades drawn as usual
The past came crashing in
I was pregnant
Johnny suggested we get married
He thought we could buy a little house somewhere eventually
I buried my head on his shoulder,
Closed my eyes tightly, and wished I could stay in this room forever
Where there were no consequences
Or complexity
Only promises of being in love
Doug I never told you this and I'm telling you now
The noir story, the one where I went off to California...I had an abortion when I
I was eighteen.
I don't blame Johnny
He loved me best when I was isolated
And helpless
And now almost twenty six years later
I cry because a second earthquake has hit
Didn't see it coming on the richtor scale
I decided to move out for a while
After she received my explicit messages
I knew like back then I had mixed emotions
It was time to say goodbye to the friend
Who wasn't honest with his wife
No more hiding
No more depression
Time to make a commitment to myself
As I reflect on my past, I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant
But I remain grateful for the lessons I learned
Today, I wish I hadn't crossed the line I didn't know existed.
I don't blame anyone other than myself.
Ultimately I choose the direction of my life. My choices have consequences
Not just for today
But for many years to come.
Cacooned in the Chrysalis in Johnny's apartment
With the blinds closed
This is the part of the true noir story
I had managed to forget for a while.
It is a lesson I won't ever forget again.
Quietly disliking one another
At first quietly
In the bedroom
Behind closed doors
But the fights escalated
Mom would yell and storm into the hallway slamming the door behind her
Dad never yelled back
He stayed silent
As if there was no point in trying to fix it anymore
On a rare occasion he would
Raise his brows at his wife
As she interrupted again
He was selfish that way
A seemingly prolific writer with
No patience for other people
Especially woman
Just wanted to fuck them
Getting off once again
Shaking the semen
From his once-erect penis
His cock temporarily satisfied
From the vaginal wetness of the
Newest slut he laid eyes upon
One day the marriage exploded
My sister was away in England, married now and my brother off at college
But I heard mom.
She would spend long nights crying in her room
Dad moved into the basement and no longer ate meals with us
Both hired lawyers
Money problems became apparent
And it was difficult to make ends meet.
Eventually Dad moved out and started
Dating a woman from Wisconsin
She was twenty years younger than him
Which put Mom over the edge
Like me she was angry and sad--feeling betrayed
I was confused
Not knowing what to do or how to help
I scrunched myself so I was small and indiscreet
Thinking if I don't do anything wrong, maybe they will keep loving me
Now invisible
Keep smiling
Alone in my room
Listening to The Beatles and playing "Hey Jude" until it couldn't be played anymore
On my scratched cd
Most of all
I wanted someone to talk to
I felt empty
Confused
Lost and forgotten
Amidst the monsoon of their divorce
For a while I saw glimmers of hope
Now away at college myself
On my own
Meeting new friends
Decorating my dorm room
Talking about biomedicine and related ethics, literature, art, and philosophy
But still part of me was sad
I missed my folks
I missed high school
But most of all I missed feeling
Important
It had been a lonely year
That is until I met Johnny
At first we would go to parties together
And hang out with friends
Soon we were sequestered
In his apartment
With the shades drawn
I'm falling for you he said
All I want is you.
Without noticing,
My grades started to slip
We became inseparable
Neglecting school
Eating every meal together
Cacooned in his arms
Oblivious to student loans
Or grade point averages
I was consumed by the moment
Didn't I deserve his attention?
Johnny didn't care if I flunked out
If i suggested I needed to study
Or wanted to spend the night apart
He became angry
I hid my failing grades from my mother
Deep down I wanted to be rescued
Johnny became cold if I wanted to study
He wasn't content to be alone
Without me
I wanted to believe I loved him
But what did i know about love?
I am all grown up now.
Looking back, I realize that sometimes it takes an earthquake to wake someone up.
I got the earthquake then, and I tremble because I have it now.
Back then, I remember standing in Johnny's living room, with the shades drawn as usual
The past came crashing in
I was pregnant
Johnny suggested we get married
He thought we could buy a little house somewhere eventually
I buried my head on his shoulder,
Closed my eyes tightly, and wished I could stay in this room forever
Where there were no consequences
Or complexity
Only promises of being in love
Doug I never told you this and I'm telling you now
The noir story, the one where I went off to California...I had an abortion when I
I was eighteen.
I don't blame Johnny
He loved me best when I was isolated
And helpless
And now almost twenty six years later
I cry because a second earthquake has hit
Didn't see it coming on the richtor scale
I decided to move out for a while
After she received my explicit messages
I knew like back then I had mixed emotions
It was time to say goodbye to the friend
Who wasn't honest with his wife
No more hiding
No more depression
Time to make a commitment to myself
As I reflect on my past, I wish I hadn't gotten pregnant
But I remain grateful for the lessons I learned
Today, I wish I hadn't crossed the line I didn't know existed.
I don't blame anyone other than myself.
Ultimately I choose the direction of my life. My choices have consequences
Not just for today
But for many years to come.
Cacooned in the Chrysalis in Johnny's apartment
With the blinds closed
This is the part of the true noir story
I had managed to forget for a while.
It is a lesson I won't ever forget again.
No comments:
Post a Comment