Pushing and Pulling

He's up close
Supporting me
Every step of the way
Even when I haven't eaten
For thirty six hours
And my bubbly personality and
Optimistic outlook has diminished
Difficult imagining Eliza
Experiencing any pain
But now the pain rules her life
With the prospect of being normal,
Just out of reach. 
Forced to persevere this weekend
On stage
When all she feels like doing is sobbing
Chronic pain in her heart
Because intent was misconstrued
He stood there silent
Facing his wife saying nothing
With his tail between his legs
While she blames herself
Wanting to give up
And not work through the pain
The road to recovery isn't possible
Not now
Perhaps when their marriage has healed
And she forgives me for the intent that wasn't there
And she can feel safe
And whole
And know we would not have crossed the line
Maybe then after time
We can repair our friendship
Until forgiveness comes
I have no choice
As she does all the talking
Silenced again
Neutered
Until then I hope I don't shut the garage door
With the car running
Until then you will have to breathe for me
Pushing me when I need to be pushed
And pulling me when I need to be pulled along
Holding you and squeezing your hand
Until then I weep
At my desk, in my bed, behind closed doors
Pretending not to be in pain
Lesley held me yesterday
And I sobbed in her arms
Unable to explain why
She rubbed my leg and said I would be okay
Until then I'll punish myself
For intent that wasn't intent
Misconstrued, misunderstood.
It is my fault
And there are no second chances when perceptions
Threaten a marriage
I only wish he was a man
With integrity
And a voice who could have a solid relationship with his spouse
And have me as a friend
But I came along a year ago
Not being a part of his past
Only his present
And now because I have crossed the line
There is no future
No friendship
The Arizona landscape calls to me
I'll enjoy the sunsets on my own
And the saguaro cacti
Hoping to dry up in the desert
Desert Fury
Desert Pain
Desert Love
Desert Misunderstanding