My Addiction

My addiction
It's like a drug
My addiction
Oh I'm oh so smug
I awake in the night
And I can't fall asleep
Robbing my soul
What can I keep?
Burglaries
here and there
Opioids I am aware
Vicodin
and Percocet
The gateway drugs
I'm bound to get
What am I to do?
My soul is on fire
If I confess to that love
What kind of future will transpire?
I'm injecting now
I can feel no pain
I am broken again
And have nothing to gain
Rescue me
Rescue me
I want to be free from the pain
Sadly coming back
You're with me now
Trying to sympathize
Living a life of wonder
Past all the lies

On You

You used to make me feel that I could do anything and everything
You are the reason why I used to believe
And now it comes crashing down
Swirling around me
Robbing me of even the last breath
Even the last breath
Even the last breath
Even the last breath
You're the reason why I can't
Read any more words written by you
I miss you
I construct fantasies about you
I like the bondage ones the best
Though I doubt I cross your mind
I'm giving up on you
I'm giving up on everything
Maybe someday when I've purged
All of my secret sins
You can come back to me
But for now I'm giving up on you
Only in my dreams do you appear
The hellish nightmares I construct
I wake up screaming
And believing
You are near
Clawing me with giant talons
That you wear
Don't come near me any more
I am the dust that you see
Even I have given up on me
Even I have given up on me
Even I have given up on me
Even I have given up on me
No longer do I believe

Not Enough For My Own

Roaming the desert highways
Trying to find my soul
Thought it was you I was looking for
Little did I know

A women's search for meaning
I am not alone
Though I feel abandoned
Searching for my home

Fate brought us together
You were my deep embrace
Hug solidified my comfort
My pain it did erase

And now what now
Where do I go from here
Realization and discovery
Embracing faith, truth, and fear

Here I am
I am not enough for my own
Here I am
I am not enough for my own
Here I am
I am not enough for my own
Here I am
I am
All alone

A kaleidoscope of browns
Chuckawallas and snakes
Havalinas on the lawn
Dusty red Sedona cake

The Arizona sunset
I have not yet seen
Your visage in my eyes
Dark grey not green

I'm making choices
Moving fast
Not merely a whim
Like choices from the past

How can I stay with him
He'll never know the real me
So to settle in life
Would be embracing insanity

Here I am
I am not enough for my own
Here I am
I am not enough for my own
Here I am
I am not enough for my own
Here I am
I am
All alone

My Dearest Pet

When I forget that which is love
I am afraid
Fearing everything
Afraid to let go
Fully embracing my womanhood
Is that which I desire
Loving
And being loved
Every once in a while
I slip into patterns of normalcy
Growing despondent
And insecure
Clutching onto the teddy bear I had
As a child
Oh to be that child
Rocking in the mustard - colored rocking
Chair
Clinging to my mom
When I was sick
And couldn't sleep
I am all grown now
And I still need that touch
The touch from you that says
I love you and I understand
I will be here as long as you need me
I hear you say
Please say it over and over
Until I believe
I want to believe
But sometimes the dust gets in my eyes
I will sleep well tonight
I know you are holding me
Rocking me slowly
Then faster
The syncopated rhythm
We know so well
Make me come Master
Please can I come?

Off Switch

Sleep evades me
Though I embrace it more often these days
Longing for that heavenly dose of shut eye
Yet staring at the ceiling
Feeling frustrated
Descending into hell
Feeling anxious
And depressed
When all I desire is your touch
The lucky bastard who happened
To come into my life
When I needed you the most
I want to go back to bed right now
Though I've just gotten up
Perhaps I'm afraid to be the tigress
The one that I know I am
Before he rejected me
My deluge of feelings and emotions
Are my own worst enemy
I'm crumbling
Falling
It doesn't really matter what circle if hell where I reside
If i don't self soothe and figure it out soon
I won't survive
I worry and weep
Knowing he went away
Unwillingly
But abandoning me
I acknowledge I'm struggling
Today I write down the negative thoughts
Plaguing me
I rationalize my worries
Keeping them in perspective
Talking to myself
Calmly
Recognizing the thought patterns
In my head
Though there is no on off switch
I am aware
Cognizant
I notice them
And work with them
Combating any impending worry
I am exhausted
Yet unable to sleep
I am alone with my thoughts
For the first time all day
I will learn to unwind
Build in time for meditation
And relaxation
Things will get better
The cycle will be broken
For now I remain numb
And want to go back to sleep

Sacrifice

She's crazy
You should know this
Yet on the inside there is a
Pinch of sanity
Ready
Watchful
Tucked away so even she
Can't see that which remains hidden
Underneath the domes and arches
Employed only in a window
Or a door frame
Cut off
No longer consciously choosing
To live a life of misery and pain
But going through the motions
Of that which society teaches
And expects
Impossible to decipher where one
Vestige of breath begins
And another extinguished
Protesting anti - Buddhist tendencies
And pro Catholic policies
Sometimes dark thoughts
Flicker
As she longs to sacrifice herself
For you
For humanity
For her sins
For the sins of her brethren
Immolation
What if it goes wrong?
And she's stuck
With additional scars along
Her delicate white skin
Is the sacrifice
Worth it?
Will it remove the pain and
Her timeless devotion
To that which is good?
Separated by distance
Space
Longing
One day she'll surrender herself
For now
She surrounds herself by early
Fields of grain
And cotton
And by the dwelling
of the Papago Indians
Suicide by fire
Heavy is lust
When tongues crave taste

Tardis

Deep in the recesses of my heart
There is hope
What started unexpectedly
Has grown now
Contemplatively serene
I smile
Embracing my inner
And physical self
There are no musts or shoulds
No normals
After being asleep for fourteen plus years
I am awake
Vigilant
The night watchman securing vacancies
In my heart
I am happy
Putting seedless grapes in your mouth
Laughing
Unloading barrels of sticky delicious wine
Listening to Bob Marley
And Frank Sinatra
Knowing that my body isn't perfect
And knowing that's okay
Relishing relaxation
And reclaiming self
Breaking down the fear factor
One step at a time
I have a palette for giving
Painting passion and climbing
Through the portal of your heart.

Skeleton Flesh

Twenty three hours
It's a long time waiting
Still haven't eaten
Or swallowed a drop
I'm queasy and broken
This can't last much longer
I see your reflection
Though you're not really here
Haunted by the intangible
Frightened by fear
I shake and I tremble
Hoping to feel
Though my marriage is over
It's so very real
This is one thing I'm in control of
Though twisted I know
In the shower I'm shaky
Now I'm cold to the touch
Shivering and convulsing
Numb in the mirror
Perhaps weight loss will happen
And someone will notice
Hooked up to wires
As you hold my hand
And say you won't leave me
That you understand
That you understand
That you understand
That you understand

Tying the Knot

Personal and unique
Snaps of expression
Not like the photography of my day
Gone are the super staged
Awkward prom photos
With the bride and groom
Hovering in a wine glass
Perfectly centered
With a soft filter on
Fresh and real
The rules are gone
Though I still cling to tradition
Time to evolve
I know this
I want to believe
I want to make it my day
Embrace me
Be genuine
An intimate guest list
Grown between a fine-art
Heirloom photo album
Revisiting family traditions
And cultural heritages
Who am I?
Why am I in this mess?
I hardly remember walking down the aisle
The first time
Today is a day for remembering
And weeping
Glowing the way unwanted things do
Like a neon sign
Guiding me to the taste in someone else's mouth

Restraint

I give myself six days to forget you
on the first day I keep myself busy
frequenting the casino with a girlfriend
on the second day I rust
staying in bed with the sheets pulled up to my chin
on the third day I clean my bedroom purging clothes from my closet
on the fourth I read a book but I am distracted,  feeling your touch
sweeping across my body and your tongue teasing my nipples
on the fifth day I try to erase your scent
from my sheets but it lingers even still
on the sixth day I adorn myself with leather and lace, lay in bed imagining you
cupping my ass
as I wrap my legs around you
cradled in your arms as you pull me near.  i am safe, in love, and home at last.

Pioneer

Although the world is large,
It is a little smaller now
More intimate
Delicate as your hands
Beyond my backyard on Michigan Street
Past the metal bars that protected me
From life beyond the alley
I still cling to that which is familiar
When I was little I would twirl on this rusty bar dreaming of being an actress
I wasn't afraid
Even when Jimmy ' s ball pummeled into
My left eye, I persevered
Kept going
Amidst the blood
The fear
The stitches
And the pain
Today I reach out
Still a timid soul
Though grounded in your spirit
Looking forward to nursing
My calloused hands
And stepping out into the Arizona sun.

Caged Bird

I am awake
I cannot sleep
I dream of you
I'm in this deep
Long ago
You whispered here
opened up
And didn't fear
We had it all
One time long ago
I spoke to you
I let you know
You promised once
We'd still be friends
The sun has set
This is the end
This is the end
I know it is
Holding you
Hers and his
And now I'm here
And you are gone
The desert weeps
I trudge along
My steps are heavy
Soul is dark
We lost our window
Extinguished spark
I said I'm sorry
She did forgive
But I am dead
So you may live
I give to you
Over and over again
No longer lovers
No longer friends
I cry at night
In my dreams
Expected fantasies
Or so it seems
My soul is broken
Heart is trashed
Affinities lasting
They will outlast
Suffocate my spirit
Let me rest
Unchain my longing
Buttons come undressed
Peeking through the window
The window in your eyes
I don my mask
Cast down the marital lies
Can't stop feeling
Sometimes I'm even numb
Can't stop grieving
Becoming so undone
Spinning circles
In the air
Just hold me tightly
Fingers through my hair
Don't want to settle
Just want to feel
Love me love me
Confirm that this is real
So the next night I am sleeping
You are next to me
Caressing my body
Letting me be free
Letting me fly free
Letting me fly
Free

Self-Esteem

I'm going to like me
Someday I am
Confident
Secure
Happy
Being me
No fears
Or irrational
Abandonment
Issues
In love
Emotionally
Physically
Fulfilled
I'm going to like me
When I make mistakes
Improving each day
Laughing
At
The
Idiosyncrasies within
Smiling without
Giving of time
Heart
And soul
Cuddling up tight
Knowing I am sleeping
Safe
All right
I am me.

L'Auberge

I always thought
We'd be together
As friends
Knowing each other
So well
We'd flirt with the taboo
But never cross
The banks of the Oak Creek
So little time has passed
Some days I'm angry
Most days I'm sad
My heart remains heavy
Shaded by the towering sycamore trees
Surrounded by L'Auberge's cottages
The primitive log cabins
From the outside
Appearances can be deceiving
On the inside the rustic exterior
Gives way
To classic French style
Brown leather sofas,
Roaring fireplaces,
Silk sheets
Plush towels
Assorted amenities
Do you ever think of me?
I sit here in Sedona
Looking through the glass-walled
Dining room
Already knowing
Luxury has shattered
And so has the ordinary
No vacancy
Jehovah's Witness Convention
In town.