Troubles

 

       "Will you think about it?"

   

      "Yes."

 

     "How much time do you need? A day, a week, a month, a year, a couple more years?"

 

     "A couple days."

 

     "Okay.  It's already been four, five, Ethan is six.  What's going on?  Why haven't we talked?"

 

     "I've been busy."  

 

     Deri rolled over.  It had been like this for quite a few years, so she should not have been 

 

shocked by this latest conversation.  Neither one of them had done anything to foster their 

 

relationship over the past fourteen years:  no dates, flowers, massages,  or sticky notes on 

 

the bathroom mirror.  Most of all--no laughter between the two of them and no joy. 

     

      She and Tim had a beautiful family:  three boys, two girls, and a new pup they called Dover. 

 

On the outside, it looked like a happy family who had achieved the American dream:  

 

happy marriage,  2.2 kids plus a few more, dog, two successful careers, two mini vans, and a modest

 

home that was comfortable enough for seven people living under one roof.

     

     While Deri was not surprised by the outcome of her initiated intimacy last Friday night, her heart

 

was sad.  She wanted to be loved.  Her expectations must be unrealistic.  God was still punishing her

 

for the time she kissed Ben Johnson in the convent's garage, or the time she cut off the chicken's 

 

leg to watch it bleed out behind the barbed - wire fence just for fun, or for the thousands of 

 

other indiscretions she had committed since she was born.   That evening, four of their children had

 

four different sleepovers, and Ethan their youngest  had been tucked into bed hours earlier.

   

      She and Tim were alone.  It had been a quiet night, with Chinese takeout and a Disney 

 

picture on the television.   After the movie, Deri excused herself and went to her bedroom.  

 

She decided to tie a fuzzy robe around her otherwise naked body.  This felt good, in a 

 

sexy kind of Eskimo way.  It was much too cold in the house for her silky black negligée.  

 

Meteorologists forecasted that tonight's weather would reach an all-time new record 

 

low.  The last cold spell to hit Wisconsin was in 1986 and that was minor compared to this 

 

Arctic blast. 

     

     Deri folded back the covers of her duvet and crawled into bed.  She could feel her skin 

 

and it felt beautiful.   When her husband crawled in next to her a short time later, her 

 

robe choice became an instant sensation.

 

     

     "Feel my robe dear.  Isn't it soft?"

 

     

     "Ooh I like that."  That was all he could say as he beamed in her direction. 

 

     

     "Can you find my right breast?  Gosh, I feel  so sensual. How about a little lower.  Grab my 

 

ass.  Feel how smooth it is.  Can you feel that?  Oh, if your cock could go anywhere it pleased, 

 

where would it go?"

 

 

His fingers raced across the playing field teasing her.  Being touched felt good, warm 

 

and inviting and yet..

     

     "Show me where you'd like to go."  He inserted a finger into her already wet vagina. 

 

     "Oh you're ready." He reached over to the nightstand to take out a condom. 

 

     "Not quite I murmured." Her mouth was parched and she immediately pictured 

 

someone else on the bed with her.   Not a third body but someone in place of someone.  She 

 

bit her lip, straining not to call out Clark's name.  She smiled, reminiscing about their 

 

many conversations over the years.  Deri wanted Clark to be inside her and not the 

 

stranger who lay next to her.  She also knew the reality of that dream and had to continue 

 

to work to accept that.  It wasn't ever going to be any easier.  She was fated to live an 

 

unhappy existence.  Damn him for wanting her.  Damn him for loving her.  She surmised 

 

they were both cowards. 

     

     Just when Tim was covered and ready to penetrate her, Deri stopped him.  Never before had she 

 

refused entry.  "Just to let you know.  Should that condom fail, I will not have this baby.  I will not

 

keep it or give it up for adoption.   I will terminate this mistake."  She turned to Tim and asked, "Are 

 

we on the same page?"

     

     "I don't know.  I haven't thought about it." Tim had a pained expression on his face.  He was

 

disappointed, and she was sorry. 

     

     Deri rolled over.  This had been the excuse for a long time.  She couldn't go on like this 

 

any longer.  She had been busy too, and now she was happy."