Dear S-Person (4)

 

 

 

Hi S-Person,

How is everything going?  I have definitely had better days/weeks than this myself, so I hope things are better for you.  I’m sitting here (you guessed it, at work) at about 10:30 at night.  I’ve been sitting here in front of two different terminals working on two different programs in two different languages for almost four hours now.  Neither one of the programs is going worth shit, and I’m getting more and more frustrated as time goes on.  Almost as frustrated as when I called you the other night, and you interrupted me at least twice.  I will not tolerate interrupting Doll Face.  You know what Daddy will do should you interrupt me again?  Anyway, writing to you is going to be a nice little way to keep my sanity. 

I just keep telling myself that I only have two weeks left to go…just two weeks…just two weeks…just two weeks…I’m getting sleep…Boy am I getting sleepy!  I think I could tell you an interesting story when I went to the bathroom upstairs. With my pants around my ankles, jacking off as I’m thinking of you <sorry if I’m being a little crass; we all do it,> I noticed a piece of graffiti above the toilet in the stall.  It said:  “Acid consumes 47 times its own weight in excess reality.”  Sorry, but I just found that kind of funny. 

Anyways, at the moment I’m sort of out of touch with reality.  My brain is getting kind of fried, and I just don’t care.  I’m tired and weary and depressed and all I want to do is leave my fucking job and be done with school.  I’ve been getting between seven and eight hours of sleep each night, but I’m still tired as hell.  My wife is always leering over my shoulder demanding my attention, and I’m sick of this shit.  I wish I could have talked to you tonight.  It may have helped with my temperament a  little.  What I need is either a twelve hour night of sleep or a good cry or both of the above.  Somehow I don’t think I’ll get either.  So I get to play the old grin and bear it game. 

I wish it was easier for us to make connections.  You called me Monday night, but I was gone and didn’t get back home until 1:00 a.m.  Tonight I called you, and you were gone.  I’m guessing you had play practice, so the earliest I’ll probably be able to talk to you is Thursday.  It’s not like I won’t be able to survive, but I have to admit that I’m starting to get that falling feeling about you.  While I’m trying to keep my desires in check and reduce the wanting, I really hope you have some time to talk with me this weekend.

I’ve been having some fatalistic thoughts lately that I haven’t had for quite a while, not since before I was married.  Thoughts about how interesting it would be to die and see what happens next.  The feeling I’ve been having has been sort of a Hindu kind of thing:  I feel my soul leaving my body and flowing into the world, becoming one with the hills and trees, the cumulous clouds, and the animals in the forest.  There are no singular identities, just the world as a whole.  It’s a very peaceful vision, and at times very compelling also. 

Well S-Person, I’ll leave you with a quote from the liner notes of an album by the group Propaganda.  “Without love, beauty, and danger it would be almost easy to live.”  Cheers to a complicated world that we take one day at a time.  Looking forward to a hand job from you baby <mental image>.  Goodnight. 

                                                                                                            Max