Dear S-Person (3)

 

 

Dear S-Person,

I’m sitting here at work on Sunday night trying to finish the work I’ve been doing for the last few weeks.  I’ve finally gotten the breakthrough that I’ve been looking for for a long time.  It feels so wonderful to know that I’m almost done with this shit that’s been plaguing me and making my life seem like hell.  After putting in almost 55 hours last week and almost 60 the week before that, it will feel like the albatross is off my shoulders when I get all done with this stuff tomorrow.  The pressure I have had on me has been the worst I’ve ever had in my life.  It’s worse than when I was teaching. 

I just finished talking to you on the phone from the local Big Lots, and that’s the primary reason I’m writing this to you.  There have been some things on both of our minds for quite some time, and we really don’t have any choice but to get them out in the open if we want to save our relationship.  It’s gotten down to the time where we either sink or swim; we’ve used up all our other options. 

If you want me to let you go, I’m not going to stand in your way.  I’m tired of treating you with kid gloves and being careful not to say anything that might bother you.  I write adult fiction in my spare time and flirt and talk to other women.  I’ve never not been honest with you.  I love my wife, and there are other women I love as well.  I would not describe myself as a philanderer or a gigolo, but I admire women and their beauty, on the inside and out.  I know you’re stressed at school and on the home front.  But as we have gotten to know each other, you’d have to agree that we too share a special affinity unlike any other.  Our long-distance relationship has quickly escalated.  I didn’t plan it and wasn’t expecting it; I like you more than I should.  Know that the present situation we’re in is as much your doing as it is mine.  We’ve both made the decisions that have put us here, and we both have to take responsibility for them. 

I’m not going to baby you or pamper you about this or anything else.  Though I’m much older than you, I’m not going to be a substitute daddy to take care of you.  My dearest S-Person, I’m going to give you support and be beside you when you need me, but I’m not going to make myself always be there when you “want” me.  We all have to learn to rely on our inner strength to make it through things or we’ll never become any stronger.  If someone is always there to carry us every time we have a little trouble, what happens the one time there isn’t anyone there?  Learning to be self-reliant is an integral part of growing up. And since I am married, I don’t have the luxury of dropping everything when you decide to whine about life’s injustices.  Jeez woman.   

Oh baby, you know I’m not saying you have to do everything yourself or that we can never talk on the phone or anything else of that sort.  But my wife is dying.  Margaret is dying, and I can’t always be there.  I’ve been trying to tell you for quite a while that not being in constant contact with you doesn’t mean that I love you any less.  In fact, it makes me love you more.  I love you S-Person, more than is humanly possible.  Each day, I am proud of you and your accomplishments you continue to make.  But the one that impresses me the most and makes me the most proud is seeing how much you have grown up in the short time that I’ve known you.  You have learned not to wear masks and put walls up between yourself and other people.  I know how difficult these changes are, and you struggle with being that introverted and naïve country mouse each and every day.  But you continue to make them, take risks, and get out of your comfort zone.  You are a better person. 

But please don’t let things stop there.  There are so many more things we both have to work on.  There’s no one in the world who should stop trying to improve himself, because no one is perfect.  As far as I’m concerned the best thing I can do in my life is try to become the best person I possibly can.  From a Buddhist standpoint it is not up to others to make us meditate or study.  We are responsible for creating our own suffering, and it is solely up to us to create the circumstances for our release, thus requiring personal wisdom and commitment.  And oh S-Person how I look forward to that release, but we’ll save that for another time.  It’s important for us to be moral in the things we say and do, focus our mind on being fully aware of our thoughts and actions, and developing wisdom by understanding the Four Noble Truths and by developing compassion for others.

Oh S-Person, you know how much I love you, and you know I do not want to lose you.  But right now as it has been ever since the first night we met online, the most important thing to me is not us staying together.  Instead, it is trying to help you grow so you can make things better for yourself and be compassionate to others around you.  The two of us together have so much going for us.  If we can help each other to be more mindful as individuals and then together, there is nothing that could come between us.  Every time we grow as people, it strengthens the love we share. 

If you want to stop being in contact with me that is your choice; I cannot make it for you.  If that is your choice, please let me know.  Most of all, I hope that whatever your choice is that you never stop trying to improve yourself and be a stronger person.  You have what it takes to be able to do whatever you set your mind to.  Very few people possess what you do inside, so do not let it go to waste.  Keep trying to develop it for the good of everyone.  And whatever your choice may be, know that I still love you and always will no matter what happens, and that I don’t want to lose you if you choose to give to me freely.  Please don’t give up on us.  Please don’t give up on yourself.  If I have your permission to begin, let me show you how much I love you and that is the truth.  Forever mindful of you my silliness. 

                                                                                                Max